We're all clear on what we're supposed to do in order to be happy. Get the right job. Check. The right partner. Check. The right house. Check. So how come so many of us get all this stuff (or come close enough) and still can't relax and enjoy our life?
What many of us are missing is peace of mind. Unfortunately (or fortunately) this is not something you can buy in the designer department at Neiman-Marcus or build from carefully chosen lumber from Home Depot. Peace of mind means we like ourselves and we like other people; we feel safe in the world and trust ourselves.
No one I've ever met lives in such a place all the time, but we can all live here more-and-more. This column explores some ways to do so.
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Religion
There are more LGBT-friendly religions around to choose from than ever-before. Religion offers you a structure in which to pursue your inner peace. It also offers a community of fellow seekers. This is no small thing: to be part of a community seeking inner peace can be powerful. For some of us, this kind of structure may be a good fit, for others, it's too constricting. If you're looking for a community to support you and with whom you can share the highs and lows of a journey towards peace, a church, mosque, temple or religious community may be helpful.
Meditation
Meditation has often been portrayed as some big mysterious thing. The truth is, meditating is about being quiet and listening to yourself. Period. Your thoughts can drive you crazy - have you noticed? Meditation is simple: the hard part is just slowing down enough to do it. There are lots of different ways to meditate and there are several LGBT-friendly meditation groups here in San Diego County you can check out. The real benefit of meditation - whatever type you try - is that it helps you slow down and see what you're thinking and what's going on with you internally. This greatly increases your access to feeling peaceful and contented more of the time.
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Cognitive therapy and affirmations
In some ways, cognitive therapy and doing affirmations are similar: both help you experience more peace of mind by replacing disturbing thoughts with neutral or positive ones. A simple cognitive technique is "thought replacement": you notice your thoughts, stop thinking the destructive ones and replace them with neutral or positive ones. Saying affirmations is similar: you repeat positive thoughts so they gradually replace your old, habitual negative thoughts.
What is a spiritual path and what does it have to offer? Most of us start on a spiritual path because we want a way out of our misery...we're tired of suffering. We want happiness and peace of mind. Most of my clients on a spiritual path have some sort of structure that supports their process of questioning and discovery: they may meditate, pray, go on silent retreats, etc. One good place to start on your own path is a book like Jack Kornfield's "A Path with Heart" or Pema Chodron's "The Places That Scare You." Yoga, chi gong, gardening, hiking in nature and even good ole' psychotherapy can be components of a spiritual path.
Without asking the right questions, we may foolishly believe that our happiness lies in external events or people that we cannot control. To find peace of mind we need to do inner work: it's a journey into yourself. You have your whole life to enjoy this journey, so relax. It's like growing a flower: you plant a seed, water it, care for it and allow it to unfold in its own time, or you can get out there with a knife and try to force the flower petals to open faster. Peace of mind is the same way: we plant seeds of peace and contentment, water them with prayer, meditation and whatever nurtures us, and allow it to unfold. And, when we do the work, it will...
About the Author
Michael Kimmel is a psychotherapist in San Diego, Calif. His website Life Beyond Therapy assists individuals and couples in their continued growth and development.