The do's and don'ts of discussing kink with your partner

Over the course of the pandemic, particularly throughout the various lockdowns it entailed, many couples will have found themselves getting a little more experimental in the bedroom. Meanwhile, those who were forced to isolate separately may have enjoyed some increasingly raunchy conversations over the phone. In either instance, the pandemic has given us plenty of time to explore our sexuality and, in turn, share some exciting revelations with our partners.

From unveiling an unexpected interest in BDSM to any other wild kink, openly discussing a newfound sexual preference with your partner is to be encouraged. However, the prospect can be quite daunting! How will they react? What if they don't share your interests? These burning questions will loom in your mind until you decide to have this conversation. Don’t dwell on what might be; trust your partner and enjoy open communication – you should be able to be completely honest without fear of judgement.

Femme Fatale

Worry not - with a little guidance you can approach this conversation with ease. Femme Fatale, an ambassador for leading sexting service Arousr, is thankfully an ideal expert and she’s on hand to support you through this process. With a great deal of experience in discussing countless kinks, Femme has shared her top tips; dispelling your anxieties by helping to introduce any new-found sexual fantasy into the bedroom.

Discuss your current sex life.

‘It’s important to note that a conversation about your newly discovered kink is unlikely to manifest naturally if you’re not already having open conversations about sex generally. If you are candidly discussing your sex life, great job! Unfortunately, not everyone finds it that easy. In fact, a misplaced feeling of shame is one of the leading reasons couples don’t discuss their sex lives. Evidently, a lot of us are holding back!

Shame - regardless of where it stems from - will inevitably impact open conversations about sex, as this feeling can convince one or both parties that no positive outcome can be reached. Fortunately, this is most definitely not the case! Relationships are all about compromise, trust and being open-minded; don’t let your own self-doubt hold you back – let your partner in.

When you do feel comfortable speaking openly about your sex life, don’t overwhelm yourself by trying to discuss every aspect of your sexuality in one go. There’s no rush and you should feel comfortable going at your own pace. Most importantly, remember that no matter what consensual desire or behavior you’d like to explore - from bondage and butt plugs to, ironically, a little humiliation – you’re not alone! Our sexuality is limitless and as we all naturally grow and evolve, so too will our sexual fantasies. Let that be exciting and embrace the unknown with your partner.

Embrace your kink.

In order to truly understand your kink, you first need to explore what feels good and what truly turns you on. Before you start discussing your kink with a partner, take some personal time to fantasize about the fetish; masturbate to images and videos in order to better understand what you enjoy most about this particular kink or behavior. Then, you’ll know exactly how to share your interest with your partner.

If you’re not in a relationship, you might not feel entirely comfortable opening up. If this is the case, consider finding other kinky folks to speak with! Surrounding yourself with sex-positive people can be a huge asset in normalizing the diversity of sexual desire. Don’t feel ashamed of your kink, celebrate it! Having this outlook will really help you to advocate for your needs when speaking with a sexual partner.’

Frame the conversation.

Once you get to the stage of talking to a sexual partner about your kink, frame the discussion as an exciting opportunity to deepen your connection. Highlight what you think is already going well, before inviting them into more intimate parts of your world. By framing this conversation as something thrilling, it’ll naturally feel more positive and empowering.

Be patient and answer any questions they might have; this is an excellent opportunity to share more with your partner. Equally, remember that pleasure isn’t a one-way street! Take this time to ask what your partner likes and whether they have any kinks or fantasies they would like to explore too.’

Respect each other’s boundaries.

It goes without saying that, should your sexual partner have any reservations about engaging in your kink, going at a pace they’re happy with is necessary. They should feel entirely comfortable and receive no judgement for perhaps not wanting to participate in certain activities. This respect must be mutual.

These initial conversations serve as an excellent opportunity to plant your kinky seeds and pique your partner’s interest. There’s no need to jump in head-first immediately; take your time, be patient and communicate with one another. Then, explore your curiosities without hesitation!

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