Kacey Edenfield was the quintessential all-American boy from Tennessee. The star pitcher of his high school’s varsity baseball team and the son of a former professional baseball player, Kacey had it all: the status of a sports star in a southern school, a strong team, a supportive family, and, of course, good looks. But he also in the closet. Once he came out, his life took a number of twists, one of which was a tangent almost no one probably imagined for him: his years as Helix Studios’ exclusive Troy Ryan.
Kacey Edenfield was gay and, like so many of us when we were in school, was hiding that fact about himself. He had a lot to lose, after all. The locker room can be a cruel place for gay teens. And his own father, Ken, had come from that very culture, playing for Western Kentucky before being drafted by the California Angels, where he worked his way up through the minors to play two years of major league ball.
What was life like for Kacey? He was proud of his dad and seemed to be following in his footsteps in baseball, and otherwise led a normal life. “I played high school baseball pretty much all the way up to my senior year. I did a lot of skiing, a lot of whitewater kayaking. just tried to stay active and outdoors as much as I could,” he said.
Ultimately, as is so often the case, it was a boy who drew Kacey out of the closet and led him to put it all on the line. “So, he was the first guy that I'd met my town that I thought was relationship material, I guess, and I tried to move in on it,” Kacey recalled. “And he was like, ‘I don't talk to closeted guys, I don't want the drama...’”
The boy must really have been something because, “I was like, ‘Well, okay...’ So, two weeks later, I was like, ‘Hey, you know what? Now's as good a time as any let's... Let's just do it!’"
The fallout was predictable, as his decision impacted his relationship with both his father and his team. Luckily, Ken Edenfield proved himself to be a true star of a dad. “It took a month or two. At first, it was really really hard,” Kacey said. “We went to counseling together, and everything kind of worked itself out after that. He started to understand. He actually ... now he's probably one of my biggest supporters.”
Kacey Edenfield / Troy Ryan - photo courtesy of Helix Studios
When asked what helped his dad get over his initial disapproval, Kacey laughed. “You know, for some people, it just takes a ‘click,’ and I think it was the same thing for him. In the counseling, you know, his biggest thing was, ‘If he's never done anything with a girl, how come he knows he doesn't like it?’” he said. “The counselor kind of countered that with, ‘Well, Ken, have you ever done anything with a guy? How come you know you don't like it?’ Ever since then, he's like, ‘Alright, we're done. I get it!’”
Things with his team didn’t go so well, however. “Actually, my best friend kind of alienated me,” he recalled. “And the rest of my teammates took a step back. It was pretty rough. But I don't regret it. I mean, everything happens for a reason.”
“My senior year, I ended up quitting [baseball],” he added. “I had gotten a lot of playing time sophomore and junior year, and my senior year I wasn't getting any... That was kind of my tell tale of, ‘Alright, there's something behind this.’ And then, of course, it got affirmed a couple days later, after a practice. One of my teammates came to me and told me what was said, and it kind of bothered me..."
Kacey Edenfield / Troy Ryan - photo courtesy of Helix Studios
When Kacey finished high school, he had decided to move to Colorado, when he had a life-changing interaction online. “I got recruited, supposedly, [by Helix Studios],” he said with a realist’s skepticism. “I don't know ... who knows if he was affiliated with the company or not? But long story short, I ended up putting in an application [with Helix]. Two weeks later, I got a call back, and they were like, ‘Yeah, let's fly you out!’”
“I told them to give me a couple weeks, because I was already planning on moving to Denver,” he added. “Then I could kind of hide it from everybody else. So as soon as I got [to Colorado], I said, ‘Yeah, I'm good.’ I flew out there a week after I moved in...”
Helix Studios [link features PG-13 edits]must have liked what they saw of Kacey, whose porn name was Troy Ryan. “I shot four scenes before I became exclusive my first time around. It was after my second trip out. My first trip out was in August, and my second trip wasn't until like November or December. So it was kind of spaced out a little bit…”
Being exclusive with a company like Helix restricts the options for working with other studios, but provides the benefit of a guaranteed income level. “You have a guarantee on how many scenes you're gonna get, and you have a guarantee on what rate you're gonna get per scene. For them, it was a six-month term. And then, afterwards, you had the option to renew or whatever. So I was guaranteed a certain rate, for a certain amount of scenes, through six months. They had to shoot me, and I had to be committed to just them. I couldn't go to another studio and shoot at the same time.”
While he was working in porn, Kacey’s relationship with his father would again be turned on its head. “I had an ex who was pretty vindictive. And, as soon as he found out, he told my family, but... Again, it kind of took my dad the same mindset of, ‘I just have to process this, realize that it's his thing, he's an adult now...’ And he got around to it. We just kind of all didn't talk about it as a family. It was just one of those understood things.” So it definitely seems like dad gets the MVP again.
In the end, Helix would produce all of his professional porn. “I didn't do anything with any other studio. That was the only professional studio that I worked with. The only things I ever did was homemade stuff like Chaturbate and OnlyFans.”
I asked Kacey if he had any people he particularly enjoyed working with, but he was very matter-of-fact about his career. “You know, there were never really any ‘favorites.’ I've really enjoyed working with Tyler Hill and Elliott Gray. Those are two fun scenes, but I never ... it was always a job, so I just kind of walked in and went to work.”
During his time with Helix, circumstances would necessitate Kacey moving back to Tennessee, but he kept shooting even after returning home—for a time. Just as it had been a boy who prompted his coming out, it was a boy who prompted his decision to leave porn behind.
“I got into a serious relationship with somebody who understood the business,” he said. “He understood that it was there before he was. He never really asked me to stop, but I could just kind of tell the look of dejection on his face whenever he had to drop me off to the airport to fly out and... I could tell it was taking a toll.”
“So after my last contract was up, I was like, ‘I'm gonna reevaluate.’ And I did. For a solid five or six months, things were going really good with me and him. Actually a lot better. We were getting very serious. So I decided that that was more important.”
Ultimately, the relationship didn’t last, but the decision to leave porn seems to have stuck. “I've had thoughts about it, but I kind of pushed them out of my head,” he admitted. “I've still got an OnlyFans. I haven't updated it in a minute. Sorry for that. But eventually, yeah, I'll put some more content up there.”
Kacey Edenfield / Troy Ryan - photo courtesy of Helix Studios
Life back in Tennessee took on a much more normal trajectory. “I did some college. I kind of realized school wasn't really for me. I hated high school. So I eventually got out and went into sales and kind of found a niche. I found out I was pretty decent at it, so I could make a good living, and kind of rolled with that.
Still an avid sports fan, Kacey has also found a new creative avenue in his podcast, Balls and Brews. “It's me my best friend Johnse. We drink a little bit, crack open a few beers... We sit here, we debate sports, talk about hot topics in sports, and just banter a little bit--you know, whatever comes to our mind. It's basically our daily conversations, we just started recording it.”
The program has been a little uneven, due to cancellations of seasons and disruptions of life due to COVID-19, but Kacey and Johnse are still putting out episodes. Their discussions range far beyond baseball. “Oh, it's everything. Football, baseball, basketball, golf. We get to NASCAR. I mean, there's a sport... MLS. I try to hit the Premier League when I can. We cover it all.”
For every sport, too, Kacey has his favorites: “I'm a diehard Braves fan, baseball wise... Diehard Tennessee fan, anything college. Diehard Steelers fan. And I'm a Cavs fan. I stayed loyal to Cleveland as a basketball fan before LeBron left, and after he left. And I'm a Manchester United fan soccer wise, that's probably my squad. That's probably kind of everything that I get alerts for on my phone, at least.”
What do they want to see come of the podcast? “If it expanded, that would be fantastic, but it's definitely just me and him having a good time and having our conversations out. We really appreciate the listens, but we don't kind of follow it. We don't do it for the listens, we kind of do it just to have a good time with each other. But if we grew, absolutely. Sports journalism was what I was going to school for before I stopped and that would be the ideal location to land in, for sure.”
So, really, what’s it like being back to the ‘normal life’ in Tennessee? Kacey, again, showed himself to be very down-to-earth. “You know, it's a good place to be,” he said. “Knoxville is the smallest big city in America, I like to call it, because everybody kind of knows everybody. But there's a ton of things to do. Obviously not right now with everything shut down. It can get kind of redundant at times, but it's never boring. It's a good place to raise a family.”
You can see a LOT more of Kacey as Troy Ryan at Helix Studios [link features PG-13 edits, but NSFW], or visit his Twitter @TroyRyanXXX—though these days you’ll see a lot more about sports than you’ll see nudes. And, for you sports fans, you can listen to Balls & Brews at anchor.fm/johnse-hatfield. And here's a piece we did a while back on homophobia in pro sports!
Bisexuality
Rarely are the words, “I’m bi,” heard. Whether on TV, film or even from friends and family, it’s almost nonexistent. Coming out as gay is thought to be brave; a pivotal moment in someone’s life. Coming out as bi, however, is often met with rolled eyes, being viewed as a sexual object, and even with the chant, “Bi now, gay later.” Being bisexual isn’t heralded as brave: it is often treated as if it isn’t even a real thing!
Many well-known blogs have used the purple analogy to explain bisexuality. Purple is known as its own color and not half red, half blue. There are even several shades of purple, some with more red or some with more blue. The same exists in bisexuality, where attraction can be fluid. Some can be hetero- or homo-romantic (meaning that when it comes to establishing romantic relationships they are primarily attracted to members of the opposite sex, or same-sex, respectively) but do enjoy physical, sexual contact with someone of different sex than their partner. Some can be polyamorous and even cohabitate with both sexes. And others decide on their romantic and sexual partners freely, a person to person decision based on what about the individual might tickles their fancy.
Understanding bisexuality
Photo by Isi Parente on UnsplashWhile bisexuality, on the surface, should be welcomed as yet another beautiful way of living—loving hearts and not parts, if you will—bisexuality is often viewed in a not so great light or simply swept under the rug by both the straight and broader lesbian and gay communities.
I asked men and women who identify as bisexual to help us take a look at what it means to be a shade of purple in the big world of pink and blue. It should be noted, and of some concern, that most did not want to be identified by full name, or to use a photograph, in order to avoid judgment from one community, the other, or both, or even because of the risk of losing their jobs and family.
Being Bi
Sorting through the responses to our questions on bisexuality, early feelings of attraction for both sexes was a common theme. Most relate it to the same feelings as straight or gay people face. “I’ve known I was bisexual since I was very little,” Emma Frye stated. “I realized I was not attracted solely to one sex as early as I understood attraction. Most people know they’re straight or gay early in life; I was the same with bisexuality”
Some state that they did not recognize their feelings as bisexual, or perhaps did not know there was a name for it, like Lish Rodriquez: “I didn’t know about bisexuality—I just knew that I liked those people. As I grew older and the media picked up more stories about homosexuality and the AIDS/HIV epidemic, it gave me the word ‘bisexual’ to identify with.”
What comes up also, is the difference in fluidity. The majority of respondents were in an opposite-sex marriage and thus present outwardly to the wider world as heterosexual. Out of those people, many refer to themselves as “swingers.” This is a way for them to explore their bisexuality, with or without their spouses’ involvement, while keeping their marriage and families intact.
Taking the “B” out of “LGBT”
Despite its banner of open acceptance, there is a great deal of questioning in the wider lesbian and gay community about the status of the “B,” and just as some have called for the expulsion of the transgender community from LGBT, others are calling for the removal of the “B”.
One Tumblr blog, “Unpopular Opinions,” states, “I think we should take the B out of LGBT. Bisexuals have it way better than most of us in the queer community. They have straight privilege and ride on the coattails of the gay community.”
Turns out, that just as in the transgender community some agree for very different reasons, some bisexuals likewise argue that this just might be a good idea. Recently a YouTuber known as BisexualRealTalk called for the “B” to be taken out of “LGBT.” He concluded that a bisexual looking for support in the LGBT community was ultimately going to have more questions, be left with a greater sense of uncertainty, and come away with a deeper sense of being alone. “Expectation kills,” he says. “The LGBT community is not our friend”
In fact, a major Canadian study published by the San Francisco Human Rights Commission in 2010 called “Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations,” found bisexual men are 6.3 times more likely, and bisexual women 5.9 times more likely, to report having been suicidal than heterosexual people. Bisexuals are also 3-5 times more likely to feel suicidal than gay men and lesbians.
The majority of those we surveyed also felt discrimination from the LGBT community. Rae Schomburg-Hall states, “I receive scorn from most lesbians as they feel I should ‘pick a side’ and I must just need to ‘make up my mind.’” She feels she is seen as “a confused individual. An oversexed person, just looking for fulfillment. Not to be trusted. An interloper. This, coming from a community that heralds inclusion and acceptance is just…just…wrong.”
Views and Perceptions About Bisexuals
Reading through blogs and articles mentioning bisexuality, it doesn’t take long to find the words "greedy," “whore,” or “slut” being heaped upon bisexuals individually or as a group. The belief that bisexuals, regardless of the evidence, aren’t actually, or can’t be, monogamous is another common attitude.
“There are definitely people who think being bisexual means the exact opposite of monogamous, which is kind of hilarious” answers one of our participants. “I think people's sexuality is so personal, and it varies from person to person. Not all of us sleep with everyone, just because we can, although I have had close friends say that I was a whore or a slut because I dated both ‘sides’ from my pool of friends as a young adult.”
R.J. Aquiar, YouTube’s “NotAdam,” has a series he calls “Ask a Bi Guy,” where he addresses many of the perceptions and attempts to use his personal experience to change the attitudes on bisexuality. In response to our questions, he wrote, “There are still so many people out there who can't accept our identity as valid. They're so adamant about sticking to their existing world view, so they'll look for any reason to dismiss us rather than accept this new information that might require them to change their world view. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people, since it's human nature to do that. And it's even more understandable when you look at how much society enforces that gay/straight binary. Most people would, for instance, refer to a male/male or female/female couple as a ‘gay couple’ rather than a ‘same-sex couple’ while a male/female couple is most often referred to as a ‘straight couple’. If you know what to look for, there's bi-erasure all over the place. This can make it really difficult for a bi person to consider coming out since it means having to face all of that adversity head on.”
Men vs Women
Attitudes men versus women concerning bisexuality certainly differ. It is often said that women have it “easier” being bi. The acceptance of a bisexual woman actually involves oversexualizing her. When a woman says she is bi, many men would jump at what they think is a sure-fire way into a threesome. Very rarely is she viewed as a potential monogamous partner.
And if she comes out to a potential same-sex partner? She is often not taken seriously. There is a fear she will want to return to a heterosexual fantasy of husbands, children, and white picket fences in the suburbs. After all, bisexuals are always viewed as having the potential for passing in straight society as an option. One lesbian told us “I’m scared I’ll be hurt by bisexual women, so I won’t mess with them at all”.
Bisexual men do face a different demon, and because of it, very few men will ever come out as bi. Cooper S Beckett—author of “My Life on the Swingset” and “A Life Less Monogamous”—offers personal insight on this. There is “the immediate assumption that I was gay and kidding myself. I've been told it was a phase as well. Straight men don't like bi men, because they're afraid of another man coming along and treating them the way they've traditionally treated women, as someone you could cajole into doing something. They're worried about being cajoled into ‘gay sex.’ I've been told to my face by a gay man that I'm not bi, I'm just on the road to gay town. It's shocking and sad. But I think acceptance is growing.”
Finding a Tribe
There are plenty of online communities to join. Binetusa.org and shybi.com are places to discuss the unique challenges and obstacles bisexuals face. Bisexual.org has a fantastic library of articles, and discussions, and even lists famous people you might not have known were bi. In your local community, look at meetup.org to find bisexual or bisexual friendly meet-ups.
It is much easier to research within the bisexual community than to look in the LGBT community. It is most important to fight for your rights and support others who are questioning or longing for understanding.
“A lot of LGBT experts call bi people ‘the silent majority', since there are likely a lot more bi people out there who would rather hide than come out and deal with all the stigma,” Aguair writes. “Unfortunately, the only way we can change that is for more bi people to live their lives openly, and demonstrate firsthand how much it doesn't have to be that big a deal. It also illustrates how important it is for bi, pan, and other sexually fluid people to come together and form a community to support one another”
Pam Simmons, who has struggled with her bisexual identity for many years, wrote, "The best advice I could give is to find someone you trust and share what you are feeling, how it is affecting you, your fears & doubts. The journey to identifying as bisexual may be a lifelong process. But that’s ok. You define you…. Nobody else. Be true to yourself. And most of all, love yourself.”