The fight for proximity (part 2)

We had hour long conversations and even took to FaceTime to get the experience of sight and sound of the other person. We had a very unconventional manner of getting to know each other. Where most couples would “fake it until they make it” on several topics, we were forced, due to distance, to be upfront and honest about everything. We were comfortable talking to each other, comfortable listening to each other and comfortable flatulating in front of each other. Yes the all rules were broken. Things were going so smoothly until one cold September night. 

We had just finished showering together via FaceTime and were now prepping up for bed. The conversation was as ever cute and engaging. We talked about our days, his time at the gym, the news, and plans for the holidays, before we turned the conversation inward to our personal feelings for each other.

“Well I feel like we are doing things that are sort of out of the norm for me. For either of us. Being so open is new for me…so early on,” he said with his piercing brown eyes on me. I smiled.

“Yes. I agree. I mean neither of us want long distance, but without open communication we won’t have a relationship. It’s already hard enough not seeing you half as much as I’d like we have to talk and keep believing this can and will work,” I replied which prompted him to return my smile with a sexy grin of his own.

“Yeah…sometimes though I have my doubts,” he continued after a brief pause in which his smile slowly faded away.

“To be honest I feel like…if it wasn’t for your faith in us…we wouldn’t be together,” he finished.

It felt like someone, somewhere had turned a switch over the moment. I felt like I had just been doused in ice water. My heart thudded against my chest and my lungs felt heavy as I sat in complete disbelief of what I had just heard. I could do nothing but stare at his waiting face and he read the shock on my face.

“Babe? What’s wrong?” he asked frowning. “I said something wrong, didn’t I?” It was a full minute before I could bring myself to utter words.

“So…so you’re telling me that…you don’t believe in…this? You don’t believe in us?” I breathed. He hesitated and in that moment I saw that his answer was a definite “no” and I felt my heart sink, if possible, lower.

“! I didn’t mean- I meant that this open talking thing…it’s not for me. I don’t know if I’m ready to be that open with you. I mean we are still getting to know each other and...” but I wasn’t listening. I had taken my eyes away from the screen and was now staring fixedly at the blank stretch of wall over my bed. His voice said no, but his eyes…his eyes in that moment of hesitation spoke painfully clear. They said that all this time when I thought things were going so damn well…all this time when I felt like I had found a man who was ready and willing to be open and trust me…all this time I was spending daydreaming of future houses and kids and a future…all this time I was spending giving 100% of myself, I had spent it all alone. After his half heard explanation I furnished an excuse to get off the phone as I felt the tears welling up white hot in my eyes.

Growing up, I was raised by marine parents. They taught me many things; discipline, dedication, endurance and honesty to name a few. I learned so much about love and relationship, not by dating, but just by sitting back and witnessing their marriage on a day to day basis. Over the past 24 years, I picked up on a crucial relationship keynote. Communication. My parents know how to do this all too well. They can sit and have a conversation about damn near anything! Good, bad, uncomfortable, ugly; they can sit and talk it out and then continue growing together. So naturally this trait was passed to my eldest brother and me.

It was almost a full day later before I could bring myself to speak to him. When I did, everything felt different. It was as if something dark and heavy was now hanging over our relationship. I tried to shake it off and say that he was just being reserved and protecting his feelings, but it made no difference. His revelation the day before plagued me. It popped up when I was at work the next day, forcing me to take more smoke breaks than I would usually. It cropped up while my best friend and I ate lunch the next day. I didn’t know what to do with it. It was like stain. A stain on a white sheet that spread the more you tried to wipe it clean.



See also:

The fight for proximity (part 1)

The fight for proximity (part 3)



WhistlePig + Alfa Romeo F1

SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.

The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.

Keep readingShow less
by Spectrum Medical Care Center

Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz

When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.

I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.

Keep readingShow less

Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area

Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!

Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.

Keep readingShow less