Sex Is Weird
I mean, can we all at least agree it’s little bit of an odd concept theoretically. Granted, this is coming from a person who didn't discover her own clitoris until around age twenty-one and that was with a vibrator, in private, on accident. I didn't even know a clitoris was a thing until THAT moment.
We get all jazzed to smash the gross parts of our bodies together and for what? Darn sure not for procreation, and, for most of my life, not for satisfaction either. Once we add it to a relationship, things get complicated and often messy, yet we spend a good chunk of our time chasing it. There are apps designed to help us find it, and websites, social media, and the like all designed to make us want it, chase it and find it. I'm sorry, I just find it odd.
This one little activity kind of rules our lives. Like we're lab rats.
Now, I will admit, I don't think I'm very good at this whole sex thing. I'm a pretty awkward person in general, and when I'm naked I'm off the charts awkward. I always have this running dialog in my head during sex, questioning everything I do. "Does that actually feel good, or is that a pity moan? Please don't be a pity moan! How will I ever learn if you pity moan?!”
Not to mention I'm trying to cover up my body the whole time, so I'm basically naked at angles I think I look good in. I feel incredibly awkward being on top of anyone because I know they're getting that front-camera-was-accidently-on-chin view, I feel like my boobs are underwhelming, and I'm not super confident about my lady business.
Yes, I said lady business because I'm 12.
I get really stressed out during sex. Not to perpetuate Jewish stereotypes, but I'm so neurotic that sex is actually stressful for me. I find it hard to let go and relax. Also, I'm very much demi- and sapio-sexual. If I don't feel a connection, I can't get in the mood. Probably because I'm so self conscious. And if you're stupid ... No , just no. I'm a true nerd. I need you to have opinions on politics and possibly emotions about Dr. Who.
All these barriers I make have made my sex life in the past, well, weird. I'm not all hyped to genital your genitals. I wonder things like, “Are the noises I'm making normal? Screw normal. Are they sexy to my partner, or do I unknowingly orgasm like a drowning swine. If so, how can I not sound that way?”
So. Much. Stress.
Furthermore, I don't understand one night stands. Probably because my sexual attraction is attached to emotion and intellect. I just don't get it. Like, I'm gonna do the weird , super exposed genitals thing with you and never call you again? I couldn't do that to someone else and definitely not to myself. So even if BOTH parties agreed only for one night, I still couldn't do it.
I'm too awkward. The first time I saw a strap on, I thought, yep! I'm gonna accidentally take someone's brain out with that. I have no stroke technique and a tool for vaginal implement is dangerous in my ...er ...um hands? Let's go with hands.
You see I lacked sexual confidence, because I kick my own ass like we all do. I'm not super sexually experienced, and I definitely don't rock body confidence well. That was the case at least.
As of late, my sex life has had a bit of a shake up. It's still weird and I still feel awkward, but slowly I'm crawling out of that. Because, well, I'm having really good sex, since coming out and starting to explore my sexuality on many levels. Many weird, awkward levels.
I'm starting to do things I hadn't done and entertaining the idea of doing things I never thought I would. My partner told me, "I don't think you've explored the depths of your sexuality," and I hate to admit but that statement was accurate. Of course at the time I was like, “Whatever! Yes, I have—I know my limits!"
I'm slowly realizing that's not the case. But again, I'm so awkward I just imagine it going weirdly. Like, what if I break someone's genitals? Or someone breaks mine? So many questions! So there I lived, terrified of sex and my sexuality, until I took a leap out of my comfort zone and real talk, got turned out. When you are climaxing non stop, it’s hard to stop and feel awkward.
Don't get me wrong I feel awkward in the in-between moments, changing positions and trying not to fart and stuff, but I think that's normal. I still feel like I look weird naked and have no bedroom "swagger." What I needed was a take-charge type, because I'm an awful driver and terrible lover, if I'm being honest. I just find that level of connection too base and too exposed at the same time.
Sometimes, I wish I had the confidence of a porn star to be like, "Look at these boobs and this downstairs mix up! It's amazing!" But that's weird. I wish I could walk into the bedroom with the confidence that I walk on stage with (over confident, not self aware and shameless), thinking, ‘I'm awesome, I've practiced for this, I've prepped , I'm ready!’
But with sex I'm like, “What?! Nobody said there was a pop quiz?!"
Look, we make weird faces during sex, most of us have a weird body thing we hate, and yet still there is someone out there who can't wait to see us naked. That's weird. We're weird. Sexuality is weird, and there's no way around it. So let's all be weirdos who embrace our own bodies, explore our sexualities and have weird sex like the self confident weirdos we are.
But seriously, genitals... am I right?