Leaving my family was easy for me.
A childhood and teenage years of watching my parents and extended family succumb to addiction forced me to grow up far too soon. Drug addiction resulted in a life-altering compromise of my safety once as a child, and led to a permanent break when I came of age that will never be repaired. I am not the only one with a story such as this.
I am still trying to understand what happened to my long deceased parents, and I suspect I am not the alone. The news of Demi Lovato’s relapse has shocked me as well. Many of us had just seen her at perform at Bridgestone Arena. She looked so happy, so...confident. The recent news makes her look all too human. I think we all wish her well.
Joining us today are three people who are intimately familiar with the subject matter to be discussed.
Brian Sullivan is the Director of Public Relations for Addiction Campuses, a provider of inpatient, outpatient, and after-care based Drug and Alcohol Recovery Services across the United States. Brian is a survivor of a suicide attempt and continues to successfully battle issues of depression and anxiety in his daily life. He is a former journalist and past contributor to Out & About Nashville.
Amy Sulam-Gibbs is an LGBTQ+ mom to three kids and a contributor to Out & About Nashville. She is a survivor of drug addiction and continues her successful fight to stay clean.
Rebecca Baillie is an author and treatment specialist for Addiction Campuses. She suffered a relapse after a long period of sobriety, but continues to successfully fight addiction for over two years now.
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Julie
Okay, confession time. I'm 50 years old, I've barely been on the internet... I've never been in a quote-unquote chat room. I'm a Luddite :-)
Brian
That’s fine! Go ahead
Julie
Amy knows my story from the private school days. My kid almost kicked out of school because parents never used computer before
Rebecca
I kinda miss chat rooms. Now we just argue in neighborhood pages on Facebook
Julie
Okay, I am sort of set up. You two ready to roll?
Brian
I’m ready
Rebecca
I'm good
Julie
Cool. I will have you both know it is my daughter who taught me how to do the text-to-speech thingy. This one is for both of you and Amy to when she comes on board. What was the reaction you had when you heard the news about Demi yesterday?
Amy
Honestly at first I was shocked. It’s a shining example of how well some people can publicly hold it together when everything is falling apart. I also felt awful for her, not because she overdosed but because heroin is a Motherf***** to kick. It comes at claws at you in your sleep. It’s like the abusive ex we go back to, this may not be her last OD.
Brian
I first thought about Prince and Tom Petty and all of the people we have lost to fentanyl. I knew from a previous article that her previous addiction was opioids and cocaine, and recently we have seen a lot of the fentanyl/cocaine mix. I thought about all of the people in recovery that she was an example to. But I mostly thought about her, and the weight of that, and the shame and guilt. They are the worst enemies of sobriety, in my opinion. They keep us isolated and fearful. Her recent single “sober” meant so much because so many people in recovery have experienced relapse. We don’t want people to be set up for a relapse or to expect it, but it is in many cases a part of recovery. There’s no shame in reaching out for help. It is a disease. A treatable and preventable disease, but a disease. Let’s move forward and be solution and treatment focused without judgement.
Rebecca
My heart broke for her, because she lives her life in the public eye. It's hard enough to relapse and be an everyday nobody like me. Just knowing people I knew were talking about it. As much as there is this big push to remove shame from addiction. There's no way for anyone to understand how much shame I carried. And no one was talking about me on the radio. I just wanted to shield her from everyone's opinions.
Julie
Rebecca, this one is for you. Can you give me your story that you would be comfortable telling a public setting?
Rebecca
Lol I'll share whatever today as long as it helps someone.
Julie
Go as deep or shallow as you want. No pressure here…
Rebecca
I had almost 13 years clean and sober. I was active in a 12 step program and worked in the recovery field. But it's like Amy said on the inside I was falling apart. I was in a relationship I didn't know how to get out of. I became physically ill. In my mind my disease was telling me that I had been sober so long I didn't need to ask for help. I should be able to handle these issues on my own. What would people think of me if they knew I had been sober over a decade and I was falling apart? The next thing I knew I was drunk.
Julie
Rebecca did it just happen in a snap or did you see the fall coming?
Rebecca
Looking back and examining it I can see the fall coming and my justification. At there where small voices of clarity, but I couldn't hear them.
Julie
My mother would relapse suddenly if a pressure situation of any sort occurred. Is this a common denominator?
Rebecca
As addicts we love pressure I think we feed off it. I had friends in my 12 step program who tried to bring things to my attention, but I pushed them away. I'm a very good actor. That'd the difference today. Every in my life knows to push me until they believe my answer and that I'm taking care of myself.
Brian
At Addiction Campuses we have what’s called “A Balanced Life” curriculum. One of the keys to relapse prevention is keeping our patients involved and plugged into resources where they are. So, in this curriculum, there are 6 courses: Family, Social, Work & Finances, Spirituality, Self Improvement and Health. All of these are spinning plates in your life. If one of them goes off track and crashes down, it can throw your life off balance, and closer to a relapse. That’s why, in the curriculum for our graduates, there are short courses in different areas every day. Mindfulness is very important. Knowing yourself. One of the mistakes that many treatment facilities make is that they treat people, and then in 30 days they walk out the door. That’s not when treatment ends. That is the beginning. Your stay in rehab is to equip you with the tools you need to continue life long, sustainable recovery. And we do that while you’re with us, and when you leave, we continue it. We have to keep our patients in recovery mindful of pressures, why they personally are reacting to them the way they do, and to put them in perspective. Many times, addiction will make an issue appear larger or more harmful than it is. If you are self aware, you’re able to take the personal coping skills you have for your personal makeup and use them to combat the issue and prevent relapse.
Brian
Relapse can also occur in times of celebration, when emotions are running high, whether positive or negative. You think, “I’ve done so well, it won’t hurt me this one time.” It doesn’t always have to be a bad situation.
Julie
Demi has said that one of the reasons she fell out of sobriety last time was that she was not working her programme to get sober. How hard is it to stay sober and can any of you relate to that statement?
Rebecca
Omg it can be so easy to start putting my program on the back burner the more successful I become. When I began putting my career before my program is when that slippery slope started. The irony of it all is that I wouldn't have my career without my sobriety.
Brian
I am not in recovery from substance misuse, so Amy and Rebecca are more equipped to answer that. I can tell you that my personal depression and anxiety is a daily battle. The key was learning myself. What do I feel? Why do I feel this way? What is the best way to react? I had blinders on. I saw myself through the lens of depression. I had to begin to see myself the way I am, the way life is, take it for what it is, and live with who I am.
Julie
Are there common triggers for relapse?
Rebecca
Ummm I don't believe in "triggers" if I'm not consistently working a program life is a trigger. Lol (sorry that's not scientific or proven)
Brian
Needles, negative stressors in your life, normal life events either celebrated or triggering unresolved trauma, family changes, increased work expectations, relationship transitions, the current state of the world. People in recovery are mostly sensitive, smart people. They are taking everything happening in the world in.
Julie
Demi has also confessed that a reason for her last relapse was that she was not ready to get sober. Could anyone explain that remark? I heard from my parents too. Pissed me off…
Brian
“Not ready” They’ve convinced themselves that they’re not ready to stop using. Usually unresolved traumas and not having a strong recovery program.
Amy
You have to be ready to be sober. I wasn’t for a long time. You think you can handle it or you think yeah I know it’s bad but I can stop anytime I want to. Sometimes you just don’t want to stop. That’s the bottom line you are getting something from it like Brian said
Rebecca
Here's how I feel about that. Everytime we go to treatment, everytime we sober up or go to a meeting it plants a seed. I went to treatment the first time when I was 20 years old. It didn't stick. The second time I went I was 22 years old (the seed was planted) and I stayed sober almost 13 years. I had a 6 week slip and I've been clean and sober over 2 years now. Whenever I have the opportunity to plant the seed of recovery I take it.
Julie
There are unconfirmed news reports coming out that Demi may have been experimenting with other types of drugs to replace the ones she was using prior to her last overdose. My mother did too after every stint in rehab. Is this common theme?
Rebecca
I don't want to comment on rumors. What I will say is that it's very common that whatever drug we use will more often than not lead us back to our drug of choice
Brian
Process addictions I know are common, even if they aren’t with other drugs. That is caused from the person not getting fulfillment with healthy input, or not using healthy coping skills. For example, I’m off of cocaine, but I can’t stop gambling or having sex to the point that it’s impacting my life to a point where I can’t function. There’s a difference between “clean” and “sober”. They are two vastly different adjectives. You can be addicted and not have drugs in your system, because you have not centered yourself and undergone the treatment you need.
Julie
Also hearing that Demi was sneaking when no one looking for a long time. Normal?
Rebecca
So normal to hide it
Julie
I think everyone in the LGBTQ+ community has had to make a hard break with our past at one time to embrace our future. My family is one of addiction and tragedy. Leaving was easy for me, never went back. Will someone in Demi's position have to break ties with using or enabling friends to truly have shot at sobriety?
Rebecca
I had to break ties with a lot of friends. Well, people that I thought were my friends, but in the end, really liked keeping me f***** up because they gained something from it. I'm a normal non famous person. I can only imagine that there are people in her life that have something to gain by enabling her.
Brian
I have had to walk away. We all have. I’ve known a few celebrities and there is a perpetuated misconception that all they do is party and do recreational drugs. The ones I’ve known are working to stay on top of their game and barely have time for things like that. They are people. Like the four of us. They have homes and wants and dreams and families and legacies. No one, celebrity or pauper, sets out for “addict” to be their legacy. That’s never happened in the history of the world. It’s not glamorous. That being said, there are people surrounding them who make their living off of them. So occasionally, they may receive bad advice from someone they trust. Addiction Campuses has treated a number of celebrities, and you will likely never know their names. Not just because of HIPAA laws, but Because we care about THEM, not their product.
Julie
Old Jewish saying: never separate yourself from community. Is this the key to long term sobriety?
Rebecca
Because of my profession I've seen a lot. I'm fortunate enough to have a supportive family. A lot of people in recovery come from toxic environments. That's one thing the recovering community gives us. A huge community of people that are trudging the same road and we're here to support one another. My recovery family is just as much a part of my heart of my blood family.
Amy
Leaving my community was a mistake that led to my downfall. Editing relationships is good if they are toxic but cutting yourself off like I did is bad.
Julie
Does the LGBTQ+ community count too?
Amy
Yes. Family is where you find it. Surround yourself with good people.
Brian
The Nashville LGBTQ community has really saved me. The times when I have not valued myself, I’ve valued US. I’ve had a cause and a purpose. Whether I’ve felt like I was worth fighting for or not, WE are worth fighting for. WE are worth saving. And my last breath will be fighting for equality.
Julie
Can a hard-core addict every truly get sober...stay sober? My mom lost that battle. It was like dealing with a walking talking black hole of despair
Rebecca
Absolutely
Brian
“When relapse happens, let’s embrace that person with more treatment, more specialized care, and embrace that person with the support they need to sustain long term recovery.” -Maeve O’Neill, Vice President of Compliance, Addiction Campuses
Julie
What would all of you like to tell someone reading this who is struggling right now?
Rebecca
The first year after my relapse was one of the hardest battles of my life because I hated myself so much for relapsing. If I could tell you anything, please know you're worth it. That voice in your head that tells you that you've already f***** everything up and it doesn't matter is lying. You are worth saving.
Amy
Don’t be afraid to start over with new positive friends; don’t let relapse stories scare you. Be excited for your new life.
Brian
Make the call
Brian, Rebecca and Amy are affiliated with Addiction Campuses. Their addiction hotline is 888.614.2251 and is crewed 24/7. More information about who they are and what they do may be found at addictioncampuses.com.
The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Healthline is 800.662.HELP (4357) and is also crewed 24/7 by trained people who help refer callers to appropriate treatment options at no charge. SAMHSA is a government agency and is affiliated with the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.