Get a napkin, you messy [w]itches! Pardon me, I’m about to get REAL Memphis in this one.

Yes, I know it’s February, the Valentine’s month. I’m not gonna bah humbug Valentine’s Day. I am, however, addressing what happens when your search for romance blinds you to the point you’ve made collateral damage of your friendships.

We’ve all been there. Hell, I’m guilty of being messy at points in my life. What does it mean to be a “messy” [w]itch? The best I can explain it is that, in dating relationships (including ongoing sexual relationships, or friends with benefits arrangements), your dating or sexual habits create awkward situations in your circle of friends.

Have you slept with several people in the same group friends and now friendly get-togethers have some hanging tension? That’s called “running through the team,” and that’s oil spill messy! Ever been hookup friends hoping it would lead to a relationship? Acted out to your ex’s new significant other? If you answer “yes,” [w]itch, you messy. 

How you handle yourself when it comes to dating and sex in your circle of friends says a lot about you—specifically how much you value yourself and your long-term friendships. Failure to think “How will this affect my long-term friendships in this group?” speaks volumes about the EPIC level of selfishness you are reveling in and how little impulse control you have.

I know it’s hard to think clearly when your hormones go freaking crazy, but there are a few things I remember that seem to keep my genitals from running amuck and making me “that friend” [again], the one who ran through the team and risks making gatherings uncomfortable. They’re sort of my facts of life for when I get borderline messy.

In break ups, I tell myself:

1) NEVER EVER EVER under ANY circumstances EVER talk shit about your ex in public or on social media. No matter what they did, you look trashy and they look like the victim. This is basic messy behavior. 

2) If your ex throws shade on social media or in any other public setting DO NOT RESPOND, even to defend yourself. If what they are saying is nonsense, give it the amount of respect and attention it deserves: 0.

If I’m gonna be in a FWB relationship, my mantra is: 

1) Know your place and stay in your lane. You are not the girlfriend/boyfriend, you are the FWB! As such you have no relationship standing or claim to the other person. 

2) Don’t overly comment on their social media. It makes you look desperate and stalker-y. Honestly, I’d ignore the social media.

3) Keep your mouth SHUT. If anyone knows you guys are hookup friends, you’ve failed to stay in your lane. You’re messy.

4) If you catch feelings and they don’t, break it the hell off! You’ll only end up doing something stupid eventually. When someone says “I don’t want a relationship” the rest of that sentence is “with you.”

5) When they start dating someone seriously—this can’t be stressed enough—keep your fucking mouth SHUT. Do not comment on pictures, or like pictures, post on their wall, tweet, retweet, text, FB message, call, communicate with them via shadow puppets across the bar, or send mother [loving] carrier pigeons. Fall back, all the way back. You lost regular friend privileges when the sleeping together started. 

Don’t like the facts? Hey, they’re what keep me on the straight and narrow: you have to find your own. Whatever the facts are, they can be ignored, sure, but doing so means you aren’t borderline messy—you’re a messy [w]itch. You don’t want to be the one who stops getting invited to stuff because you’ve run through the whole team, do you?

Ignoring the realities of sex with friends also puts you at risk of looking crazy because your emotions put your common sense in a sleeper hold. Also, I may have just saved you from getting your [booty] kicked. I know having to control yourself might pissed you off—but this is likely because you’re messy, so what do we care? Rather than be upset, grow, learn and clean your messy self up! 

To quote the wise sages Sharionna and DJ Chose from their masterful work the song “Basic Bitch,” “Hoe, I hope you got a backup plan cuz that dude that you f--in say he ain’t yo man.” In short don’t be so desperate for love, affection and sex that you end up possibly ruining good friendships. Don’t be blinded by sex or attention. Don’t be messy. Trust me, I know: being messy results in regret at ever having been so foolish.