Dear Patrick Gardner,

I realize that a glowing endorsement from an “Out & About Newspaper” columnist could be the death knell for your campaign against divorced State Rep. Debra Maggart.

According to a recent “Out & About” cover story, State Rep. Maggart (R-Hendersonville) expressed righteous indignation at the very thought of two homosexuals getting hitched and adopting children for their fundamentalist agenda of engineering an all-out gay army. (By the way, Mr. Gardner, we project that the army will be in full force come 2020. We hope to have Rosie O’ Donnell barking orders as our master drill sergeant very soon.)

Seeing as how Ms. Maggart is a red-hot divorcee, us fags figured she knew a thing or two about family values. After all, nothing says homespun traditionalist like severing your family ties in the American legal system. Can I get an amen?

You see, Ms. Maggart is as American as peach cobbler with a frosted glass of cider thrown in for good measure.

Mr. Gardner, your opponent received actual scientific data concerning the psychosis of the twisted homosexual mind from the forefather of American patriotism, Mr. James Dobson himself.

The Focus on the Family ringmaster is the author of such fine literature as “Bringing Up Boys,” and rose to the pinnacles of self-help fame in the 1970s by telling fundamentalist parents to spare the rod and beat the living daylights out of their children as their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ would have them do.

On page 120 of his non-fiction tour de force, “Bringing Up Boys,” Mr. Dobson dispenses sound advice to parents of blossoming homosexuals.

“Meanwhile, the boy’s father has to do his part,” Dobson explains. “He needs to mirror and affirm his son’s maleness… He can help his son learn how to catch and throw ball. He can teach his son to pound a wooden peg into a square hole in the pegboard. He can even take his son with him into the shower, where the boy cannot help but notice that Dad has a penis, just like his, only bigger.” 

One can only hope that the father-to-son penis measuring was included in Dobson’s report to Ms. Maggart.

Mr. Gardner, if you’re elected representative of House District 45, I resolutely believe that parlor games with propaganda machines such as Focus on the Family will be a thing of the past. The last time I checked, Focus on the Family was based in Colorado Springs, Colo., which is a hop, skip and jump from Hendersonville.

According to your official website (www.patrickgardner.org), you seem to have a firm grasp on the real issues that affect your district. Issues such as health-care reform and equal pay for women deserve our utmost attention, and I encourage you to expound upon these talking points in your upcoming campaign.

And not only are you devilishly handsome, but your website mentions that you are happily married unlike some people we know.

Since I live in the maws in the hell (read: Williamson County), I won’t be voting for you come election time. But I do urge all GLBT persons and fair-minded Tennesseans in District 45 to vigorously contribute to your campaign, hence this letter.

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