I have a nipple on my wine bottle and I’m ready to shot gun if necessary… Nashville beckons.

Rayna and Bucky are getting ready for an outdoor Markus performance in what appears to be downtown and Markus isn’t anywhere to be found. When Rayna does locate him, he is not acting like the confident Mark McGrath miniature that he is.

The Chex Mixes tour has wrapped and when Gunnar gets home, he picks up Cadence in time for news to come on TV about Oscar buzz surrounding Juliette’s performance in Shenandoah Girl, the Patsy Cline biopic. When an interview of Juliette pops up, the baby begins a VERY CUTE wave at the TV. I did that wave when I was her age, but that was whenever I saw a wine bottle. We obviously had different upbringings.

Gabriella can’t stop being a terrible person and wants Puke to choose a photo with Colt for the Forbes magazine cover. But, more interesting things are going down. A pair of IRS agents have dropped by. There is a current investigation into Puke’s business manager, who has been embezzling from him and has fled the country. Here is the BEST part: Puke owes the government $40 million in back taxes. Where is Willie Nelson when you need him?

Emily arrives for her babysitting shift at Avery’s place and it seems she has been spending time with the egg donator, better known as Juliette. She has completed a stint at rehab and is now in a therapy program for postpartum depression. Avery (and the rest of humanity) thinks Emily is being manipulated and he throws her out. She is also no longer the babysitter.

Deacon’s new bar is becoming a copy of what makes individual Nashville bars so unique. For example, The Beverly has church pews. (Eye roll.) Sherpa Boo Boo (Scarlett) loves it and looks like a member of the Beatles in her military cut jacket and pixie hairdo. He also shows her the gorgeous engagement ring he is giving Rayna. Yes, it’s pretty, but it’s not original. It’s not Deacon. I swear, if they introduce an evil twin, I go on strike!! Anyway, Deacon wants to propose on the night of the bar’s grand opening.

Rayna finds Markus and she tries to talk him into performing. McGrath, Junior doesn’t think he’s a country singer. I could have told you that. Anyway, she gets him down to a Good Morning America interview (ABC never far from branding the hell out of, well, their brand). Markus gets a bit rattled when the interviewer asks about critics who don’t think he can cut it in country music. Okay. Here is my deal. Markus is the smuggest, cockiest, most self-centered person to come along since Creepy and all of the sudden he is peeing himself with self-doubt?  

With 40 million bucks needed ASAP, Puke’s accountant suggests liquidating assets. Yard sale at Puke’s, ya’ll! Dibs on the Stetson cologne collection! But, the better news? The IRS is going to keep it quiet. My skin literally just crawled. Oh – and Puke doesn’t want to go home because Colt isn’t there. AGAIN, doesn’t he have another kid? Where is she?

Avery stomps over to his attorney’s office wanting a restraining order against Juliette. While he’s there, could he get one for the rest of Nashville? I mean, she hasn’t done anything to me, but why wait? Anywho, his attorney reassures him that daddy Avery is the one calling all of the shots when it comes to his kid.

When they don’t have a place to write music together, the homophobic Wade Cole invites Will back to his house to work. This ought to be good. But, it truly was good. Wade was welcoming and even volunteered his house for songwriting for the duration of their work together. Will thinks he’s turning the homophobe into a human being with a soul.

At Markus’s show, Deacon, Maddie and Daphne all run into a girl named Cash, who is Frankie’s kid. She is also a musician. Yes, they truly are a dime a dozen in this town. Oh, but this one happens to be touring with Kasey Musgraves. I am packing up and making to fake Nashville this instant! In fake Nashville, you become successful simply by moving to town.

Rayna is doing the intro for Markus’ show and when he hits the stage, he hugs Rayna and we immediately do a shot of Deacon in the crowd. Can I please say once again how insulting this plotline is to me as a woman? On a side note, the lacking confidence Markus kills it with his debut country performance.

When Gunnar and Will find out Avery dismissed Emily, they think he’s nuts. But then Juliette’s therapist stops by to chat with him. Is that even legal? Aren’t there some kind of rules you have to follow as a shrink before showing up to a stranger’s home and chatting about other patients? Anyway, the shrink thinks Juliette needs to bond with her baby in order to get better and Avery says no way. He still won’t change his mind when Emily storms over to try to tell him the same thing the shrink said. Avery is the only thing holding her back from getting better. Okay, but can he just stop her from being Juliette altogether? Can he help her with that? I would totally be on board with that.

Oh good. More pillow talk with Caleb and Skinny. That should kill another two minutes of my life I’ll never have back. He tells her he got a promotion at work, making him the head of his own department… in Seattle. “But we live in Nash-vull,” she says. I WILL go all Liza Minelli on her ass if she doesn’t start pronouncing the name of the SHOW SHE IS ON correctly. Anyway, Dr. Hottiepants is turning down the job.

Doing something that Garth Brooks has really only accomplished, Markus gets a quarter of a million album downloads in a day. IN A DAY?!?!  Again, this is Garth Brooks/Taylor Swift caliber stuff and not a boy band has-been trying to make a go in country music. Anyway, Markus grabs Rayna, takes her to the balcony of what I guess is her record label building and pops open champagne. Immediately after, he leans in to kiss her and she pulls him off. That should have been the end of it, but she goes and tells Deacon what happened. Not being the Deacon we know, he wants to go kick Markus’ ass. But, just like everything in Rayna’s world, there’s an emergency at the office and she can’t stop any ass kicking today. Markus is cancelling the tour and moving to LA, so Rayna takes off to put a band aid on his boo boo’s.

Ford and Wal Mart have pulled out as Puke’s sponsors now that the IRS scandal has been leaked to the press. But, let’s be honest. Whose heart is broken over the loss of Wal Mart? Anyway, Forbes did some digging after witnessing Luke’s fight with Colt and things are about to get uglier than Gabriella’s heart. When he tries to blame Gabriella, she schools him and hits the pavement. Anybody else miss those awkward random run-ins between Rayna and Puke? At least they were semi-entertaining.

While Daphne is writing some really good music, Maddie is still down on her sister’s talent and instead agrees to write some music with Cash.

Deacon is preparing to take the stage with Scarlett at The Beverly’s grand opening and Rayna has yet to show. After, Skinny finds Gunnar in the audience, and asks his thoughts on her moving to Seattle. He says he will do what he can to make it work. At least she pronounces ‘Seattle” correctly. Later, she breaks up with Caleb so he can take the job across the country.

Back at Wade’s house, he and Will are wrapping up a session and – how convenient – Wade’s family is out of town. And we all know what is coming next. Wade comes on to him. Of course, Will calls him out on it, wondering how he stays in the closet. Wade says he played his cards right and now he has more money than God and Will could have been the same way. “I’d rather be me than you,” Will tells him before leaving. #TEAMWILMA

When Rayna finally gets to The Beverly, Deacon accuses her of choosing Markus over him. Rayna wasn’t able to talk Markus out of leaving town and she is already pissed. She then tells Deacon she can’t be with him because of his jealousy. But, she really does have bigger fish to fry. Markus is gone and so is her label.

After some thought, Avery decides to let Emily take Cadence to Juliette’s therapy facility, but he maintains his sole parental rights regardless. Emily is also back to being the babysitter.

Trying to fix his relationship with Puke, Junior, Puke goes to apologize to his kid. He begs the little brat to come home, explaining the Puke brand and his relationship with Gabriella are both dead. “I guess you lost it all then, didn’t you?” Colt says before slamming the door in his face. I am starting to like this kid.

Later, Deacon finds Rayna outside the bar and apologizes for acting like Maddie and that’s when he gets down on his knee with the ring. In tears, she accepts. The most exciting thing about this moment is you can see the Titan’s stadium in the background.

AND… my lovelies, Nashville is done for a while, until March 16th. That will literally be how long it will take to recover from my hangover from my wine intake while watching this episode.

Have a wonderful holiday and a very happy New Year! Be safe and I will see you all in 2016.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Forever and For Always" (season 4 episode 11)

NASHVILLE recap: "We've Got Nothing But Love to Prove" (season 4 episode 10)

NASHVILLE recap: "Three's a Crowd" (season 4 episode 9)