Now that we have successfully recovered from our Thanksgiving food comas, it’s time for a trip to fake Nashville!

When Gunnar and Scarlett get a 24 hour break on the road, our skinny little heroine decides to head back to Nashville. OH MY SWEET JULIA SUGARBAKER! She pronounced it like “Nash-vull.” I get that Scarlett is supposed to be from Mississippi, but even natives call it “Nash-vill.” Rhymes with Bill. Could someone please pass that along to Sherpa Boo Boo? Thanks.

Markus is becoming more and more demanding of Rayna’s time and being the spoiled little brat we know and love. Deacon stops by to check in on their work in the studio, which gives Markus the idea to cut a song Deacon has written. It’s obvious Deac isn’t thrilled, but agrees anyway. I can already tell I will need an extra bottle of wine to get through this episode.

Puke and Puke, Junior are heading back to Nashville and Junior is still miffed about having to lie for his dad about the real cause of Jeff’s death. But, as usual, Puke has a photo shoot with Forbes magazine to focus on. I suppose it’s for their “Highest Paid Annoying Human Being” issue. Puke wants to spend some quality time with his son, but answer me this: Where is Puke’s other kid? Did she just disappear?

Well, one song gets played at the Bluebird and Will has a publishing deal. This doesn’t ever happen. I have friends who are songwriters who are watching and throwing breakable items at the television right now. Oh- and a top artist has already put the song on hold and wants to write with our Wilma. If anything, this show is not steeped in authenticity.

Avery is doing everything he can to work, but money woes might be a problem. Please let him turn to prostitution! It would make this show so much more interesting! Anyway, he does get a gig at The Five Spot. And even though he is financially better off than Avery, Will is sulking because the artist interested in his music is Wade Cole. Ya know, the jerk face guy who didn’t want to have his photo taken with Will at a high profile event?

Deacon hates Markus (like the rest of the free world) but Markus kisses his ass enough to get him on board with Markus recording one of his songs. But, after spending the day working with Mark McGrath, Junior, Deacon actually might like the guy. (Don’t do it, Deacon! Step away from the punk!)

Daphne is all excited about doing publicity for her duo act with Maddie, but Mads is being a complete bitch and harshing her mojo. At every turn, Maddie laughs at her attempts to formulate an image as an artist in the spotlight and it pushes Daphne further into rebellion. Please let her start hocking cigarettes at the tetherball on the playground.

Scarlett is hoping to spend the evening with Dr. Hottiepants, who has had a long day and just wants to veg out for awhile. When he brushes her off to take a shower, the two words that came out of my mouth were “He’s cheating.” It’s not verified. I am just saying. When they are having pillow talk post boom boom, they can’t seem to connect on any level or spend any real time together.

While Puke attempts to take Junior fishing, Gabriella appears with a photographer from Forbes. Puke claims to not know about the photo session, but Colt goes back to being all teen angsty. At least he has an excuse to be moody, but there is literally no excuse for Maddie.

When Avery tells Emily about his money woes, she offers to access Juliette’s accounts, claiming it’s for the baby. While we’re accessing Juliette money, go ahead and put my down for around 10K. I think I deserve it after watching EVERY episode of this show. Anyway, Avery refuses and insists on providing for his kid on his own. As soon as Avery leaves, Emily gets a text from Juliette, asking if she can talk.

Gunnar has pulled an all-nighter in his hotel room, trying to write a few songs. When Erin finds him the next morning, he is oddly high strung and hasn’t written a single lyric. Arguably, it is the dumbest scene all season.

When Will does get the chance to meet up with Wade Cole (at ASCAP), he confronts the guy about the photo incident. Wade admits that neither his fan base nor his wife’s charity would appreciate him being seen with a homosexual. He went on to say that a photo with Will would be interpreted as an endorsement. Personally, he doesn’t care what Will does, but he has to answer to his wife. That is the biggest pile of salty excuse on the planet, but Will seems okay with it. Sorta.

While recording Deacon’s song, Markus starts to change up the words. Deacon is immediately off of the Markus fan wagon and Rayna tries to be the diplomat. Big mistake, Ray Ray. You ALWAYS choose #TEAMDEACON. Have I taught you nothing!?

Erin takes the slap happy Gunnar to a place where he can find some inspiration. No, not to the bedroom, ya freaks. She drags him to an art museum where she tries to get him to touch the boob of a statue and make a wish. Some natives told her it’s a local legend. Well, surprise, surprise, he gets busted for touching a museum display and they get chased out. She should have just taken him to bed. See kids? This is what happens when you don’t listen to your Auntie Angela.

When Avery comes back from his job hunt, Emily seems like she wants to tell him about the Juliette text, but he won’t shut up about his employment woes. Before she can say anything, he gets a call from the jingle production studios and they want to offer him a nice slice of money for an ASAP job, but he will have to cancel his gig at The Five Spot.

When Will digs a little deeper into Wade’s beliefs, it seems he has actually campaigned for legislation against LGBT rights. Drop him like Teddy’s soap in the clink, Wilma!

When Rayna gets home, Deacon is all pissy and un-Deacon-like. He starts telling Rayna that Markus wants to sleep with her. He brings up the fact that Markus texts her. “No guy just texts with some woman that he doesn’t want to sleep with. More to the point, some woman that he thinks he might have a pretty good shot at sleeping with,” Deacon says. Okay, Nashville writers. What have you done with my Deacon and why you have you put an insecure teenager in his place?!

Speaking of insecure teenagers, Colt starts being the brat that Puke raised and gets lippy when his pops confronts him about the attitude he copped in front of the Forbes photographer. The argument escalates when Junior calls him “Luke” and Puke raises his fist to him. (And you all wonder why I call him Puke. You raise a fist to a child, you ARE Puke.) Anyway, Colt tells him to go ahead and hit him. “Do it because you can’t hurt me any more than you already have.”

The fight with his son rattles Puke, so he puts the brakes on the publicity machine and tells Gabriella he needs time to focus on his son, several months if needs be.

When Scarlett’s romantic whirlwind weekend with Dr. Hottiepants doesn’t turn out like she planned, he gets irritated with her. He points out that he is curing cancer and belittles the work she does. He tries to go back on what he said, but it seems Scarlett is finally figuring out his true colors. #TEAMSHERPABOOBOO

And this happens as soon as Gunnar figures out that his writer’s block is because his songs over the last few years have been about Scarlett. But, he now believes she is no longer his muse. Yeah right.

Maddie finally realizes she is being a complete douche waffle and apologizes to Daphne for being a ... well, teenager.

In order to clear the air, Rayna goes to Markus to just ensure that he doesn’t have feelings for her. Markus assures her that he isn’t interested. So, here’s the thing. If my man was acting like Deacon, he would be sleeping on the couch until I had received a VERY genuine apology, fine jewelry containing precious gemstones and a private evening with him dressed like Peeta from the Hunger Games.

Oh- and Rayna then has to go to Deacon and tell her she loves him and that he is the only man for her and blah blah blah. As a woman, this plotline is insulting.

So… Like marrying Layla and letting Kevin go, Will makes ANOTHER bad decision and decides to keep working with Wade. Maybe he will donate the money he makes from the song to an LGBTQ cause.

Proving once again that Colt is smarter than his dad, he packs his bags and goes to live with grandfather for a while.

We end the episode with Emily getting the dreaded call from Juliette, but no idea what was discussed.

Why couldn’t it have been a booty call from Avery or a true come on text from Markus?

I am literally feeding you juicy plotlines, Nashville writers!!

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "We've Got Nothing But Love to Prove" (season 4 episode 10)

NASHVILLE recap: "Three's a Crowd" (season 4 episode 9)

NASHVILLE recap: "Unguarded Moments" (season 4 episode 8)