While real Nashville is hiding inside our homes to avoid the CMA Fest tourist crowds, we might as well check in with life in fake Nashville. Let’s see what monstrosity CMT has managed to cook up for us since we last visited Deacon and the gang.

The midseason cliffhanger had our sweet Will collapsing onstage live on The Chew after several months on steroids. Never mind they are giving the most interesting character the lamest storyline. Anyway, Will is out of the hospital after having a mitral valve heart infection. Everyone was a bit shocked to learn Gunnar knew about the roids and did nothing. Anywho, Will has to take it easy and might need surgery.  Zach shows up because he was worried about our Wilma and apologizes for being an egotistical jerk. Wow, we are tying nice, pretty wrap-up bows on things early, aren’t we CMT?

Maddie is still annoying and dating the Justin Bieber clone, Jonah. Oh yeah, I forgot about Maddie having chemistry with Jonah’s goofy pal, Twig. It also looks like Jonah is cheating on her and using Twig to keep her occupied so he can communicate with the side bitch.

Daphne had to find out Deacon roughed up that creepy music mogul, Brad, from his son, Jake. Now that makes her question competing in Brad’s American Idol copycat show called Nashville’s Next Country Star. Brad is still taking Deacon to court and it doesn’t look good. The court will draw on past records of Deacon exhibiting violent behavior. Look, kids. Can we do something else with Deacon other than bringing up his violent past? Anyway, he thinks it might be best not to date Jessie so it won’t jeopardize her chances of being able to see her son.

By the way, where is Glenn? We’ve seen Twig more than we’ve seen Glenn and I do not want this to be a two-wine-bottle episode.

Gunnar is still annoyingly blonde and having casual sex with Alannah, who still doesn’t want to a serious relationship with him. This show is so not rooted in reality because who would not want a relationship with Gunnar who is talented, hot and rich?

So, she takes her hoochie self over to Avery’s place to “check on him.” They begin to discuss Juliette and Alannah figures out, like everyone, that Avery is Juliette’s bitch. They start to drink and he begins to pour his heart out to her. I do not like this game she is playing, folks. Anyway, Avery does insist he isn’t giving Juliette another chance. Yeah, whatever. Alannah tells Avery that he doesn’t look at her like other guys. Men look at her like something they want to own, but not our Avery Poo! She ends up falling asleep at his place, but nothing happens. Oh, but something does happen. The paparazzi snap a photo of her leaving.

Deacon is all pumped up because he is taking Daphne and Madds hiking at Radnor Lake, but Maddman has a hangover. Insisting she had just one drink, she argues with Deacon about it and threatens to move out. Cool. Fine with me. I don’t want to have to see your unnecessary character on this show for, like, 9 more episodes. Of course, this destroys Deacon, so she must be destroyed. And he apologizes to her. He doesn’t want her to become an alcoholic like him.

Scarlett goes over to Wilma’s place farting sunshine and rainbows and trying to get him to cheer up. She thinks he should start songwriting again. He takes her suggestion to heart and eventually starts to write.

When Gunnar takes Alannah to dinner, he sees the photo of her leaving Avery’s place online and gets pissed. He goes to the recording studio to confront Avery over it and ends up getting smacked in the face with a guitar when a musician steps in to protect Avery.

Maddie decides to go over and hang with Scarlett for a while (poor Scarlett) and Daphne gets all boo hooey because she doesn’t want Maddie to go. You are literally the only person in our solar system who doesn’t, Daphers. If I wanted teen drama, I would watch a good one like Riverdale. Anyway, she ultimately decides not to move out.

Jessie is tired of Brad finding ways to control her life and doesn’t want to lose Deacon. So, she tells him she wants to fight Brad and fight for Deacon. Cool, Jessie. I’ll fight you for him along with most of my lovely readers. My money is on us.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Two Sparrows in a Hurricane" (Season 6, Episode 10)

NASHVILLE recap: "Pick Yourself Up" (Season 6, Episode 9)

NASHVILLE recap: "Sometimes You Just Can't Win" (Season 8, Episode 8)