We open with Luke and Rayna at a photo shoot and I’m assuming it was designed and dressed by Manuel. It certainly is reminiscent of 1996, complete with rhinestone embellishments and a black Tim-McGraw-covering-the-bald-spot cowboy hat. Now that Luke and Rayna are a confirmed thing, can’t you just picture Tim and Faith sitting at home, each glowing brighter than the TV set: “THIS IS US!!! OUR OWN TV SHOW!!! AND FOLKS CAN’T TELL THE REAL PARTS FROM THE FAKE BECAUSE IT’S ALL SO OVER-THE-TOP!!!”

Just like Tim and Faith, the duo has no choice but to consider a joint tour, Christmas album and their own Walgreen’s perfumes. Speaking of: I wouldn’t put those fragrances on my cat box. Why do I own a bottle? Let’s not go there. (It was 1996! I was young.)

And just as we all hoped, Rayna won’t make any decisions. Their handlers are even planning times for when their tour schedules match up so they can plan a wedding date. The first weekend of November it is, but GIVE ME A BREAK! I grew up watching Dynasty and Falcon Crest. (Cue Deacon riding up shirtless on a stallion and whisking her away, leaving Luke at the altar.) Also: their celebrity couple name is Ruke.

Appropriately, the scene cuts to Juliette kneeling in her bathroom, heaving into the porcelain. Backstage at her tour rehearsal, she’s trying to leave Avery a message now that we know she is his baby mama. Attempting to explain the bun in the oven, she is interrupted in the bathroom and then continues yackin’ up some morning sickness, all while Avery’s voice mail is rolling. I suppose it’s better than finding out through one of those awful baby shower cakes. Luckily, she gets to delete that message before it sends. Afterwards… you know what this calls for, kids? You know it. You love it. ANOTHER Juliette freak out. She is sweating like mama making bacon and then yells at Zoey for no reason and stomps off.

But don’t worry, girls, she went to get ice cream. She comes home to find Glenn and Emily rifling through her house. They think she’s on the nose candy. So, instead of telling them the truth, she throws them out. And she’s leaving Nashville to film her Patsy Cline movie without them, dammit!

And well, well, well … her co-star on the movie set is a hottie mcnaughty named Noah and we all know him better as Dancing with the Stars’ Derek Hough. Well, load up two of him on my boat and ride out the flood, sailor. When filming wraps for the day, Juliette is cozied up to her new co-star and when he goes in for the smooch, she shuts him down. Silly Juliette, the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody. That seems to be her method anyway.

Deacon is taking off to tour with Luke and Maddie tells him “I love you, dad.” (Cue sappy acoustic guitar music…) Then Maddie goes to Rayna and says she knows Deacon proposed to her. Time for Rayna to confront Deacon and they decide to make things easier for Maddie, but Rayna can’t walk out the door without mentioning the wedding date being set. Drive that knife in a little further, why don’t ya, honey?

I guess the lobby of the Union Station Hotel is the first stop of the Luke/Deacon dreamboat tour 12 hours away because that is where we next find the two, where Deacon is promptly hit on by one of Luke’s backup singers.  And yes, of course, she seduces him later in his hotel room. (eye roll, eye roll…)

And, as we have been seeing since Luke proposed, Rayna is getting cold feet. She tells Luke that Deacon mentioned his own marriage proposal to Rayna to Maddie. (Clear as mud?) In turn, douchey Lukey pulls a douche move and cuts Deacon’s opening act by a few songs. During Luke’s performance, Rayna shows up after flying across country to surprise him for a duet together and Deacon throws off his git-fiddle and rockets out of there. As he is pulling a Juliette-style hissy, the devil herself is sitting there. Apparently, Juliette is in town shooting where the pukey Lukey tour is rolling through and she wants a chat with Deacon. But he’s no help. He has a backup singer waiting to seduce him!

We find Will at gay church (which, of course, is the gym) working out with his adorable man meat trainer who they decide should go on the road with him in order to, ahem, keep him in shape. I travel with my cute “trainer” too. Every O&AN writer has one. That look they shared at the end of the scene was just enough swoon-worthy, though.

Will’s beard, Layla, has lost her beard mind and has basically decided she owns him and is forcing him to do her bidding or she will tell the world he’s gay. She’s turning into more of a hipster beard now. Before hitting the stage for his performance that night, she's all ready to duet with him until Jeff puts the kibosh on things, explaining that screaming girls don’t want a wife to ruin the show. Afterward, hipster beard loses it on Will, prompting the best line of the night from him: “I may be gay, but YOU are insane!” 

She later goes to Jeff, drunk on her hipster beard powers, and tells him she will out her hubs if her next record doesn’t go Gold. Now there’s a @DrunkLaylaGrant tweet if ever I saw one.

Gunnar is recording the new song he wrote with Scarlett, and Zoey offers to put her vocals down ALL THE WHILE WE ALL KNOW HE WANTS IT TO BE SCARLETT. Seriously, Zoey. Go. Leave. Now. I can rattle off ten hot guys I know in the music business who would love to have you decorate their arms. They decide last minute to play a gig at a party instead. That should solve everything, Zoey.

Scarlett not only needs a box of Goo Goo’s, she also needs a bra. You can cut glass with those bad boys, honey. We find the braless wonder at your nearest publishing firm writing music. I mean, every publishing house in the city gives every songwriter a chance, right? But she isn’t writing the fun music every gal wants to hear. Maybe a bra would help?

At the gig/party, playfully called “Barn-aroo,” Zoey, Scarlett, Avery and Gunnar are all set to play and Avery is drunk. Apparently, he has maintained his opposition to sobriety because he just can’t shake his Juliette fixation. Maddie lies to daddy Teddy and also attends the party where she promptly slaps on her cutoffs and red solo cup. Zoey takes the chance to ask Scarlett if she will work with Gunnar again and Scarlett denies she will. At the same time, Gunnar runs into an old friend from back home, Kylie. We find out later she was his first love and now she’s in town working at the Hermitage Cafe.  When Gunnar visits her at the café, we learn she ran off and left him alone in Texas because her parents weren’t fans of the Gun-man.

Back in the locker room, Will and the trainer kiss and, we can only imagine, do the nasty. Guaranteed: half the gays watching this scene paused the playback and hopped on over to Pornhub for the real 360-degrees-of-Nashville experience. Instead of taking out his frustrations by pumping iron, he found a better way to relieve stress with the personal trainer. That’s my boy!

We wrap things up with Rayna suggesting she and Luke tour together after November and call it (get your gag reflexes ready) The Honeymoon Tour. Luke then opens his mouth, says “No more Deacon?” and then he shows her a new tattoo of her name on his arm. I couldn’t help but Ruke a little in my mouth when I saw that.

Speaking of Juliette +1, she somehow manages to head all the way across the country back to Nashville to catch Avery coming back from his gig with a random skank on his lips. She ends up at Rayna’s house – this gal travels fast for being knocked up – and says she believes Rayna would be one of the few who understands (which is it's own jab, isn't it?!) before flashing the sonogram photo.

If you look closely, that little baby’s holding a sign that says, “I may be gay, but YOU are insane!”

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "How Far Down Can I Go?" (season 3 episode 2)

NASHVILLE recap: "I Can't Get Over You to Save My Life" (season 3 episode 3)

NASHVILLE recap: "I Feel Sorry for Me" (season 3 episode 4)