Alright, my lovies we are back! Let’s see how bad CMT has covfefed all over the storyline!

So, we pick up ten weeks after we last saw the gang in fake Nashville. Avery, Juliette, Glenn, Hallie and the gospel choir have made their album (in ten weeks?!?!?) and they are celebrating its release. However, reviews for the project called (get your barf bags ready) Grateful are very, very bad. (Quick note: HALLELUJAH! GLENN IS BACK!)

Deacon has taken over Rayna’s office at Highway 65 and he gets a call from Daphne’s school. Her grades are slipping and she might have to repeat seventh grade. Oh, thank you Jebus! Maybe our Daph Daph will become the pot smoking emo bitch we know she can be! When Deacon goes in to chat with her about it, she cops a ‘tude. So, it turns out our sweet Deacon is going to be her, well, for all intense and purposes, her history tutor. Well, hell. I need some tutoring on his Battle of the Bulge.

In the Scarlett world of who the baby daddy, it seems she wants Gunnar to be the daddy and to leave Damien out of the picture. She is avoiding Damien like she avoids food. How very Rayna of you, Scrawny. But now that you are knocked up, you have to eat. I mean, you are eating for the baby AND you. Also, is it just me or did Gunnar get hotter?

Will and Zach are still the cutest couple ever and Wilma is stressing over his new man meat seeing him perform. The night of the performance, Will stresses over what to wear while Gunnar reads daddy-to-be  books. We all remember when Gunnar found out he wasn’t really Micah’s dad, right? Let’s bring up ANOTHER storyline like that and be original.

Much to everyone’s disappointment, Maddie is back. Look, if we get to have some time with Clay, it is SORT OF worth dealing with her. So, she is in the recording studio singing and Juliette moseys in. She tells Madds the song she’s recording is a good one, but not a hit single. Wait, is Juliette still her manager? Juliette later runs some changes she wants to make to the song by her lap dog, I mean, by Avery. He thinks the changes are brilliant. Kiss ass.

Daph doesn’t see the point in working on her history project with Deacon because she claims “We can die at any time.” Like, say, this show is doing right now? When Deacon talks to her, she says she’s tired and needs to sleep. Honestly, she could be battling depression. She goes to bed and he finishes the project. The following morning, a kid runs into Daphne on her way into school, causing her to drop the project (a model of Amelia Earhart’s airplane) on the ground. It crumbles into pieces. So, she takes off to cut class. We next see her in what appears to be a makeshift street market in front of Marathon Village maybe? Anyway, she leaves her snotty prep school (presumably in Bellevue) and walks ALL the way to Marathon? Only in fake Nashville. Anywho, she meets up with a homeless street kid, Liv, (complete with rebel multicolor hair and dreads) who is reading palms. Liv takes her to her “home,” which is an abandoned building full of healthy-looking “homeless” teenagers. So, here is the funniest part about this whole scene. Daph is sitting in a homeless house bitching to a homeless girl about not being able to pass history class. Is the irony of this lost on ANYONE except for the people who create this show? Oh, but it gets better.  In order to cheer a homeless baby up, Daph, Liv and the rest of the street urchins begin singing the theme to the animated show Daria in some weird quasi-stomp production using junk as instruments. Someone watched Oliver! way too many times as a kid.

Zach tells Deacon and Bucky he wants to completely shift the focus of Highway 65 by using some new, modern business tactics and the meeting is interrupted by a call from Daphne’s school. Obviously, he bails to look for her, but Maddie calls and has her safe at home. Okay, CMT. Quit trying to make “Maddie look good” happen. It’s not going to happen. When Deacon gets home, he tries talking to Daph and she yells at him, saying “You’re trying to make us a family, but we’re not!” Okay, Daph. I was on your side until now. You hurt our Deacon. I will squash you, you ungrateful tween!!

Scarlett is avoiding calls from Damien and she opens the paternity test results in front of Gunnar. Even though he says he will help her get through the pregnancy and he still loves her, Gunnar is… not the father! Yes, I agree, this would have been handled better on an episode of Maury.

Maddie doesn’t like the changes to the song that Juliette made and they get into a tiff over it. It’s obvious the crappy album reviews have gotten to Juliette and she is using it to try to protect Maddie from the same fate. Then, Madds brings up the gospel album failing as a reason for Juliette not knowing what is best.

Daphne goes into therapy (good call) and tells her shrink she doesn’t want to be here. By here, she means on this planet. When Deacon talks with the shrink, she tells him Daphne has major depression. What Deacon can do is love her and not try to fix her and be there when she needs him.

Gunnar is whining to Avery about not being the baby daddy even though he told Scarlett he didn’t care. Look, Gunnar, I am just up the street and not pregnant with another man’s spawn. Just pointing that out. Avery tries to tell him life isn’t fair and that he has to deal with the pain of life every day. Um, Avery, you married a narcissistic narcissist. You’re no Dalai Lama.

Clay is BACK (and whoever cut off his adorable dreads needs to be pummeled) but I will excuse that because I am so happy to see him. Maddie is letting him listen to the song Juliette wanted to change and he likes Juliette’s version better. Of course, Clay is too good for Maddie and says what matters is to record the music that makes her happy. When Deacon asks Maddie about which version she will use, she says she wishes her mom were around to help because she was always true to her own voice. Deacon, however, points out that Rayna also made compromises.

Okay, CMT, let’s talk over here for a second. If I begin a Kickstarter campaign to raise money to hire another actor that allows you to write Maddie off the show, can we do it? I mean, give me a ballpark figure here.

Zach gets Deacon alone and tells him he wants to get rid of Bucky- or at least move him somewhere else in the company. Of course, he leaves that decision up to Deacon. I’m sorry, but this isn’t how a billionaire Silicone Valley mucky muck businessman acts. I’ve seen The Social Network.

Juliette meets with Maddie and before Madds sits down, Juliette gets a voice mail from Hallie. As Juliette looks at her phone, she gets all dizzy. Not sure what was going on there, but please let it be the evil voices in her head telling her to off Maddie. Anywho, Maddie plops down and tells her she is using the Juliette version of the song. Um, yeah, because anyone with ears can tell her version is better anyway.

Gunnar physically runs over to Scarlett’s place to tell her losing her hurts more than knowing he’s not the baby daddy. He asks her to give “them” another try. She agrees, but looks to be in pain when she does. Try another emotion besides constantly a victim, Scar.

Maddie and Deacon have made dinner and when Daphne says she isn’t hungy, they try to reason with her, but it ends with Daph screaming “Screw you!” at Deacon. Being the good guy that he is, he tells her it’s okay not being okay and that he loves her. Maddie chimes in, too, but we really could do without her in most scenes. Anyway, they end up in a group hug after Maddie says they’re a family.

And that wraps things up for this week, my beauties! Plus, maybe Deacon will fire Maddie instead of Bucky next week? It’s really the only thing that keeps me coming back.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Til I Can Make It On My Own" (Season 5 Episode 13)

NASHVILLE recap: "Back in the Saddle Again" (Season 5 Episode 12)

NASHVILLE recap: "Fire and Rain" (Season 5 Episode 11)