By Mikey Rox, December 2019 Issue
Gifts galore for
him, her, they, and them — because secular Santa doesn’t discriminate like
hypocrite “Christians” do.
The Vice Wines
If any of your
vices include a 2017 Mount Veeder Merlot, 2017 Spring Mountain District
Cabernet Sauvignon, or 2018 Carneros Pinot Noir, stock up and save with these
aptly named vinos handcrafted to make you feel naughty and nice. $28-$695,
thevicewine.com.
Budsies Selfie and Petsies Dolls
Lookalike dolls
made to order from submitted photographs of your human and pet pals are stuffed
with so much holiday cheer that this thoughtful treasure will be cherished for
years to come. Ideal for drag queens that have everything but this. $99, budsies.com;
$59-$199, mypetsies.com.
Sprints Running Hat
The super-light,
moisture-wicking Tropical Jaguars hat (unisex) protects athletes and outdoor
enthusiasts from noggin burn and wet eyes whenever they feel like running wild.
$29,
getsprints.com.
Bluprint Subscription
Kick-start your
secret Santa’s side hustle with Bluprint — NBCUniversal’s digital subscription
service that offers classes, projects, and supplies across 20-plus crafting
hobbies, like quilting, knitting, embroidery, and crochet — that can easily
transform a creative procrastinator into a weekend money maker. $8-$200, mybluprint.com.
OurShelves Children’s Book Box
Guncles and lesbi-aunts will be bedtime-story superstars when they deliver this quarterly subscription box filled with racially and ethically diverse children’s books featuring LGBTQ, feminist, and other traditionally under-represented characters and families. $20-$70, ourshelves.com.
Dessert Gallery Party in a Box
A
successful holiday potluck requires two staples: free-flowing booze and plenty
of sweet treats. You’ll find the latter in this Party in a Box available in
Southern Pecan Pie, Tres Leches, To-Die-For Fudge Pecan Pie, or a customizable
tasting box. $40-$89, dessertgallery.com.
Kimball Quero Boots
Step up your
partner’s foot-fashion game with these ruggedly constructed wingtip boots
featuring mixed leather and rubber for a no-slip stride that are as dapper as
they are ‘damn, boy — you lookin’ fiiine!’ $245-$255, querohms.com.
Cat Ball Bed
Cats lick their
plates clean when there’s fish on the menu, but roles are reversed when cute
kitties become shark bait in this killer-cozy bed that’s totally fin-tastic.
$85, thecatball.com.
Kombucha Making Kit
Whether you guzzle it or gag on it, kombucha has proven it has staying power, and now the most health-conscious homos in your squad can whip up a fresh batch of their favorite fermented fizz without forking over a bundle per bottle. $45, farmsteady.com.
Rory Rockmore Pronoun Necklace
Using
proper pronouns in the LGBTQ community can be confusing — you’ll stand
corrected if you accidentally misgender — but these 14K gold or white gold
nameplate necklaces (also available in HE/him and SHE/her) remove all the
guesswork so you can save face. $240, roryrockmore.com.
The 5 O’Clock Box & Tom of Finland Vodka
In these three-step
kits – available in sparkling rosé, spiced Old
Fashioned, smoky margarita, and Moscow mule – all 5-o’clock-somewhere-ers have
to do is add alcohol (like Tom of Finland vodka), shake or stir, and garnish to
get tipsier than a freshly cut Tannenbaum. $30, twistyourspirits.com;
$35, tomoffinlandvodka.
Quartz Collective Healing Crystals
You don’t have to
believe in magic to reap the benefits of this collection of curated stones and
crystals — which is backed by scientific research, btw — that can help
facilitate healing, luck, confidence, and calm and soothe negative nervous energy
like anxiety. Rub ’em hard enough and you might even conjure up a top that can
host. $29, quartzcollective.com.
Succulentsbox.com
The best gift for
friends in tiny apartments is even tinier plants that don’t require a ton of
care. Live-and-let-live succulents and minis are the perfect present — because
who the hell wants to attend another ficus funeral? $5-$228, succulentsbox.com.
STOCKING STUFFERS
Mokuyobi Wallets
This color-blocked,
couldn’t-be-queerer-if-it-tried collection of clothing and accessories pop so
hard Crayola is blue-green with envy. Wallets so bright they’ll make a bish
swish harder. $12-$156, mokuyobi.com.
CBD Under $20
Pop a literal chill
pill when your in-laws start their shit at Christmas supper with CBD hemp
capsules or gummies clocking in at under $20 for more than a week’s worth of
you-don’t-give-a-fuckness. $7-$20, cbdfx.com.
Axol & Friends
These cute plush
critters with a purpose have companion storybooks — Axol is
gender neutral, using only the pronoun “they/them” in
the books — which teach children about rare endangered species and advocate for
sustainable, ethical production and consumerism while donating a portion of
proceeds to youth empowerment programs around the world. $19, axolandfriends.com.
Socks That Save LGBTQ Lives
Take a cue from
today’s black-sock-showing youth and don this out-and-proud rainbow-stripe
pair, the proceeds from each will benefit The Trevor Project to provide crisis
intervention and suicide prevention for LGBTQ youth. $17, fairtradewinds.net.
HipDot Pressed Glitter Palette
Hey Sis!, Big Boss
Miss Ross, and Royal Riot are just a few of the names in HipDot’s 15-shade
pressed glitter palette designed for all genders to beat their faces like Ziggy
Stardust. Proceeds will be donated to the Anti-Violence Project. $30,
hipdot.com.
Tighty Whities Ornament
Baby, it’s really
cold outside with these festive, glass-assed skivvies that add some bulge to
your bulbs. $18, alwaysfits.com.
felixSEBASTIAN Earrings
Burl Ives sang the praises of silver and gold in 1964’s Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but you can accessorize all the same with the very-now Nascence Collection Studs available in three shapes and metal tones. $50, iamfelixsebastian.com.
