Marrs Attacks: Oh the guilt

When I eat, I feel guilty for not eating better. When I exercise, I feel guilty because I’m not reading. When I read, I feel guilty because I should be writing. When I write, I feel guilty for not writing more. When I love, I feel guilty for not loving the men who came before my lover.

The list continues. I am Catholic. Try as I might, this is one stereotype I can’t avoid fitting: I am Catholic and I like to feel guilty. I even feel guilty for enjoying to feel guilty because I know it’s bad for me! The circle has no end.

My Catholic high school sent me an update recently saying the Carmelite priests who’ve been the backbone of the school since its founding in 1980 are suddenly pulling out. Their numbers are running so low that their home office in New York decided to nix my alma mater as a school they can afford to staff. So the school, which will remain Catholic and is in no danger of closing, has to come up with a Plan B.

This has little to do with money. This has to do with a lack of men who want to be priests. The one relief I felt when reading this was in not having to feel guilty for not sending a check. Instead I felt guilty for never wanting to be a priest. Anyway …

This newsletter got me thinking about how I should honor my high school memories, and if I should support the school today. I really had a great time there. I did theater and student council; I made wonderful friends; I was even elected prom king. (I’m still waiting for the bucket of pigs’ blood to fall, but after eleven years my suspicion has cooled a little.) My teachers were truly awesome, and I wouldn’t mind striking up an Internet friendship with some of them today. Getting the intermittent alumni newsletter is always a joy for me, and it lets me feel guilty for having grown apart from most of my old classmates. Hence I love it.

The struggle I have is whether I should support the school now that I’m an out and proud, card-carrying homosexual. It’s a great place that does a million things I agree with, and in a way I think it’s petty to hold just one issue against them. I’m sure, if I knew them today, I would find many staff and faculty members who support homosexual relationships and do not condemn others for engaging in them. Still, it’s kind of an enormous issue, one we can’t overlook so easily. Living a gay life is not the same caliber sin as trying to cheat at Sunday Bingo. Kids will not be told at my high school that it’s okay for them to grow up and have a same-sex partner, or at least they won’t be told that on the record.

Catholics are taught to love, and that God loves everyone, and—best challenge of all—that we should love our enemies, but the Church still says I cannot be with my boyfriend. It still doesn’t want me to pursue the same life with him any of my male classmates would be celebrated for pursuing with a girl. That gets me.

I’m not in a position to give much money to any organization right now anyway, so for me this dilemma is largely hypothetical. They may be losing $50 a year because I’m “too theologically confused to donate,” but I doubt they’re missing it much. So what if they go with a secondhand prom crown. Still, other people in my spot have fatter wallets. My wallet itself will be fatter one day. Maybe not fat enough to pay for all my sins, but maybe enough to get the one I can’t cover comp’d.

And by that I mean the sin of pursuing a gay relationship, and of continuing to do so no matter what I’m told or whom it flies with. The Church still says that’s a sin. I can ignore it and smile and think of all the many unrelated things I love about my high school instead, but it doesn’t change the doctrine. It only adds to the guilt list.

I need to go eat something.

WhistlePig + Alfa Romeo F1

SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.

The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.

Keep readingShow less
by Spectrum Medical Care Center

Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz

When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.

I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.

Keep readingShow less

Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area

Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!

Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.

Keep readingShow less