It's Hard Being This Sexy

Am I right ladies? Sometimes I get carried away and forget that my place in the world is to be an object of sexual desire for the straight guys—AKA the patriarchy. When I get such ideas I'm usually reminded, as soon as I state them, of where I really belong. Most straight guys think lesbians and bisexual women (not men) are hot. Sometimes they like to think, even out loud, that we exist just for their pleasure because … obviously.

Often when I share articles or even positive memes on social media that are meant to be uplifting or funny for lesbians or bisexual women, just like clockwork I will get responses from men like this: "That's so hot," "Do you bag chicks?” or "Are you into three-ways?" It gets really annoying and sometimes downright disrespectful. Sometimes you see something similar when straight women go out gay clubs and grope go-go dancers, try to rub the bartender’s chest, etc.

We are not your property, nor your pet. We don't exist to amuse you. We contribute to the world, fall in love, and have fun just like everyone else, and what we do or who we do it with isn't fodder for your entertainment. So, allow me to clarify some things for you…

Let’s start with the transgender community. No, it is NEVER okay to ask how someone has sex or what's going on with their genitals. It's not cool to ask someone why they are transgender or if they think it's a mental illness. Second, it's not cool for you to go on and on with your insensitive "ally" comments, like "Hey! It's cool, do what you want with your body. It's a free country." And don't get me started on incorrect pronouns! Yeah, whatever a transgender person wants to do to live life to fullest is okay, and no, random guest in our bar, your approval is neither required nor desired.

Second, gay men are not here to be your pets. I have seen ACTUAL ads on craigslist placed by straight girls looking for a gay bestie. Then my head exploded. Look, it's weird to shop for a gay friend the way you would for a dog. Maybe if you weren't insufferable, uptight, and ugly you'd have some gay friends, but you clearly are those things. So … sorry about it!

When you come into our bars, ladies, don't act like a vapid 6!+@#. No, you can't grab the go-go dancer’s package; no, you can't touch the bar staff or the queens; and, no, you damn sure can't get on stage with the queens. I actually heard a drunk bachelorette party say OUT LOUD in Suzy Wongs: "We were at a gay bar! With all the gays! And boys were making out!" Holy cow! You went into a gay establishment and dudes were making out with each other?! Whaaaaaaaat?! I can’t! Seriously, I can’t! Gay men aren't there for you to gawk at when you come into our establishments: act like you've seen paved roads and electricity at least ONCE in your stain of a life.

Now, for lesbians and bisexual women. Number one, I don't rightly care if my sexual orientation is arousing to you: you're gross if you want me to know that. Yes, I have slept with women, and no I don't give a crap if you like that or not. Pictures or memes I post aren't sitting there just waiting for your knuckle dragging, dim witted comment. No, you can't watch: don't be an idiot.

No, I don't want to hang out with you and your swinger wife: your assumptions show a complete lack of self-awareness on your part. Go sling your wife's roast beef sandwich at someone else. No, I don't do three-ways, nor will my girlfriend and I create an instant three-way scenario for you. You'd assume that if a woman says she's attracted to other women, then logically she's not looking to be a cock gobbler. Though I guess common sense isn't common to everyone.

Furthermore, bisexual people aren't chronic cheaters, nor are they more sexually promiscuous than other people. Cheating is a character flaw, sexual orientation has nothing to do with a person's character. Generally, bi sexual people fall in love with you as a person, not your parts. Which means they bond on an intellectual level, and thus are LESS likely to cheat.

Also, why is it "hot" or even acceptable for women to be bisexual but gross and weird for men to be? But that's whole different subject…. In the interest of equality, it should be the same, but it's not. In movies it's a tee hee hee if a girl "experiments" with other girls, but if a guy has a "ONE TIME in college I experimented with a guy story," it's presented as a source of ridicule. What is it about being feminine that is so terrifying to our society that they either have to ridicule it in men or sexualize and degrade it in women? Are we a nation of bed-wetters with mommy issues?! I mean, really what gives? You'd think Vag Vader was the world’s oldest villain.

I can't wrap my brain around it, but hey guess it's our fault LGBT community. We were born this way, dead sexy! In conclusion, don't be an ass-hat when you visit our bars, keep you pervy comments to yourself, and never you mind what I was looking for on Craigslist that one time!




Photo via May Flower Photography

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