How to avoid a mistletoe meltdown

by Mindy Parker
Staff writer

You’ve spotted it. That curious little hemi-parasitic member of the Plantae Kingdom that shows up every year in some sort of hallway or door frame and toys with our emotions for the length of the Christmas party.

Now that you have spotted it, what are you going to do about it?

There are many appropriate and a few inappropriate ways to deal with this predicament, depending on your intake of eggnog. The other crucial detail is WHO you are encountering underneath this sprig of love.

We can safely divide these into four categories: family or friend, the ex, the one you want to avoid, and the person whose presence prompted you to attend this gathering of cheer in the first place.

The member of the family or close friend is perhaps the easiest to manage and the one on which we can all agree. Even if you accidentally find yourself under the mistletoe, this situation can be amicably resolved with a smile, a pose for the picture, and a quick peck on the cheek.

The ex is a bit different. Whether or not you knew he/she was coming… oh let’s get real, you asked the host multiple times and you were quite aware they’d be there. That’s why you look your best tonight, after all.

It is fair to say that you will be unable to avoid this situation for the entire night, so confrontation is the best tactic. At a moment you deem precise, down your eggnog, quickly move the two of you to the appropriate place, and lay it on. Follow this process with something to the tune of, “There. See what you’re missing?” I recommend this at the end of the party with a quick exit to follow.

It is surely possible to avoid the one who clearly would like to catch you in the doorway at an unsuspecting moment, but with all of the festivities, games, mingling, and refreshments, who has time to worry about avoiding your stalker?

Enjoy yourself at the party, and if you find yourself in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the wrong company, simply become distracted and head the other way. Realistically, the plant itself can’t be more than a few inches in length and width, so take a step to the side, and situation safely averted. Of course if you’d like this person to permanently leave you alone, an exclamation of something like, “No I will NOT kiss you!” at a voice a bit higher than the lull of the party should do the trick.

And if (like one of those moments in the movies when everything seems to slow down and a spotlight comes down from above with singing and music…) you find yourself under the mistletoe with the one you’ve been watching all night, GO FOR IT! You have the mistletoe, the tradition of the kiss, the egg nog, the perfect sexy holiday outfit, and the overwhelming joy of the season all on your side. It’s Christmas, for God’s sake, what other excuse do you need?

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