Gays are keeping 'Cashville' true to its name

I love Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera but if I have to start one more day with “Main Street verses Wall Street,” I’m going to forget trying to be abreast of Today's happenings switch to reruns of The Golden Girls and Facts of Life.

At least on the reruns there are lesbian icons. I mean Bea Arthur is ancient and everybody knows that Jo is a lesbian no matter how many Lifetime movies that Nancy McKeon does about husbands, divorces and affairs.  At least with the reruns I know that I’m dealing with fictional characters and situations.

Now, I’m not so ignorant that I don’t know the market took a hit and companies are closing and bad house loans are being called, but this constant reminder that we'll soon be eating dog food and stealing water from our neighbors is starting to piss me off.

Not because I’m above stealing water from my neighbor or wrestling my dog for his Dog Chow one day soon, but because, once I finally bought into the fact that it was all going to hell in a hand-basket, I decided to do my part to fight the recession and spend some money.

I thought, "What the hell?" If I was gonna be eating dog food soon, I should take advantage of what I had now and head to O’Charleys. Besides, when was the last time I had ventured there without having to wait in line with a little vibrating disk in my pocket? Not that the vibrating disk isn’t cool in its own right (that’s a different article), but finally not having to stand in line for chicken tenders might be an upside to the recession.

Well, imagine my surprise when I arrived and still had to stand in line behind the suburbanites with their 2.3 kids wearing matching Gap outfits. Even in this recession, I was handed a vibrating disk just like this time last year when “Main Street” was a bunch of dumb asses, ignorant to the fact that we were all driving cars via ridiculous finance opportunities and living in houses that were about to have a balloon payment come due or a spike in the payment because of the unfixed interest rate mortgage.

Since suburbanites didn’t seem to be heeding Matt and Meredith’s warnings, I decided to further my search for short lines in the public places that a recession was sure to affect.

Yep, I headed out to gay street, aka Church Street. I mean gays are frugal and lesbians are cheap, so surely during a recession I wouldn’t have to wait to order my drink. Imagine my surprise when I got there and it was packed. It looked like Mardi Gras or Pride weekend on a Wednesday night.

I had to wait for my turn to order my beer just like I did this time last year when “Gay Street” was a bunch of dumb asses and ignorant to the fact that we could sit home and make cosmos for half the price and twice as strong as what we were willing to pay in the gay bars just to be near our peeps, pimps and hook-ups.

And it wasn’t just the bars on gay street, it was everything.  The bookstores were crowded, all of the good movies were gone from the movie section, the best used books had been picked over and all of the new releases had already been thumbed through.

The hair salons had no walk in time available and were styling by appointment only. The coffee shop had a line for lattes like it was the late 90’s. And just try finding a parking spot that doesn’t require calling Onstar at the end of a long night on gay street to locate your car for you.

I understand that there is a market adjustment going on right now, but Matt and Meredith need to get a friggin' clue and get down to the burbs and try to get some chicken tenders without a line. And it just ain’t O’Charleys, Matt and Meredith. Just try busting into The Cheesecake Factory or La Paz… it ain’t happening without a vibrating Disk in your pocket.

And if that's not enough proof for you nay sayers on NBC mornings, join me on gay street and wait in line for an overpriced drink in posh surroundings and don’t even think about getting your favorite porn at the bookstore… it’s already been rented for the night. Wall street may be sucking wind, but gay street is proof that we don't call it Cashville for nothin'.

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