I watch tons of television. I personally think that and the DVR are the greatest creations besides the iPod and the camera phone.  And that is saying a lot because a camera phone rocks.  To be able to take a picture the minute that somebody falls down is priceless. And the iPod…well for somebody who has over 1,500 compact discs, the way that I do, it is the ultimate filing system.  Not to mention, not ramming my SUV into a parked car while trying to change discs in the CD changer is such a relief. The longer I live, the easier everyday life seems to get.

But the new television recording devices add the most convenience.  Yep, they empower me to go out after work for a drink and still come home and experience the enjoyment of recorded senseless media. Personally, I use the DVR that comes with my cable package.  I almost bought TiVo,  but my brother-in-law has it, and he is one of those remote jammers…you know that guy who rips through shows at 20 second intervals while never really watching anything?  Anyway, he is constantly flying through his TiVo-ed shows, and I hate that beeping and whirling noise that it makes when its fast forwarding. It sounds like a queen blowing on a twirly whistle leading a Gay Pride Parade.

Yep, with my beautiful DVR, I can stumble in from work, open a can of something and sit down and watch the shows that I use to bust my ass to get home in time to watch.  I could never figure out how to set the VCR for recording shows. It usually recorded the wrong show, or the wide mouthed beast would eat the tape.  So if I wanted to see a show I had to have my big ass sitting on the couch in time for the original broadcast. 

I consider myself a television connoisseur, and I can usually catch a glimpse of a preview and know immediately if it is one to be added to my repertoire. Recently, there was a new show that was coming on, and I couldn’t wait to set my DVR. This one show was advertised at the hi-light of every prime time show that I watch.  This show was one that touched the freckles of my childhood, warmed the cockles of my heart, and took me back for a few seconds to an oddly proportioned kid singing into a Lincoln Log as if it were a microphone and wanting so badly to be Danny, making Sandy, more specifically Dirty Sandy in the tight, black, leather pants, fall in love with her. So when I saw the new reality show, “The One That I Want,” a live competition for the leads of the Broadway musical “Grease,” I thought it was a dream come true.  I mean America can have their American Idol, I was gonna have a say in who the new Danny and Sandy would be…hot damn!

However, hot damn quickly became a hot mess. The One That I Want is the worst show I have ever seen on television. It is worse than Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman and Men In Trees. Yes, one would think that I would like these two shows as well since they have hot chicks as the stars, but sometimes hot chicks should just keep their mouths closed.

Dr. Quinn is really no different than these Sandy’s.  She’s hot, thin, beautiful, but the dialogue makes you want to punch her in the mouth.  These Sandy’s are the same way.  Hot, thin, beautiful…but then they put on their stage face with over emphasized smiles and wide eyes and yep…you want to punch them in the face. 

And Anne Heche?  Well, even though she took Ellen for a ride and managed to dupe many of us in the process, she is still hot.  But now there’s just something about her.  She doesn’t even open her mouth and I want to punch her in the face.

In case you have not seen the show, let me see if I can paint a picture for you. First of all, it is very important that I mention the fact that there ain’t one chick on that show who can pull off Sexy Sandy. I mean who cares about boring, letterman sweater wearing, beach singing Sandy.  If all the girls auditioning for that part try to impress the judges with just their sweetness, their dimples, ponytails, and bubble gum voices… who cares? The producers of this show have managed to turn one of the sexiest shows of the year into just a mundane singing competition. 

And the producers are not the only uninformed regarding this show. I don’t think any one of the contestants have any idea just how important this role is.  I mean it is so important that the original Sexy Sandy, Ms. Olivia Newton-John herself, is one of the judges.  So clearly, if the original Sandy cares enough to haul her older, but still fine ass down to the studio each week to watch these cottage cheese, cookie cutter girls sing terrible ballads and songs from the fifties, then it is important.  And out of respect for Sexy Sandy…I too feel that it is my obligation to keep tuning in each and every Sunday night.  But it ain’t easy.

Live and Love Equally!