For the Girls

I find myself in a precarious position as I face the New Year head on and head strong. I usually approach the first holiday of the year with open arms, wide eyes and with the best of intentions. 

The celebrations that ring in the clean-slated-do-over are many. Like everybody else, the festivities begin on the eve with smooth Jack Daniels, shaken vodka, nutty friends, funny hats, squeaky horns and hot sex.  But before I can cut loose and let go of the old and ring in the new, I have the feeling this year that I’m supposed to do some preparation.  Not preparation for the parties or bars, but for the 364 days that follow.

The New Year is a big responsibility, and the older I get, the more I realize that there are fewer and fewer New Years to come my way.  It used to be that the New Year signified the right to party.  But now it signifies that I’m running out of time, so I need to stop wasting it. 

I’m not sure where to get direction. It’s a little embarrassing. I feel a bit like an eighth grader wondering what to do as I enter the scary halls of high school. You remember that feeling? You only have a short window to make an impression, find out who the cool kids are, get in with the “in” crowd and then figure out how to maintain your status so that you can be voted “Best All Around” at least once, or the Prom Queen …or in my case do the Prom Queen at least once.  You’ve got to figure out how you want to be remembered at graduation and then immortalized at the 10 year interval reunions that follow …until they don’t.

So now I need to figure out how I want to be remembered when my graduation of life takes place. And, my in crowd has changed considerably. I have a son, a godson, a niece and a nephew that I have a responsibility to leave with some impression so that they may have at the very least a story to tell of Christy Ikner. I can’t leave them with the lame-ass stories that highlight my irresponsible behavior thus far that are currently floating around. 

The Bat Mobile
The bat mobile is a story for the kids as they approach the legal drinking age. Now, I’m well aware there is underage drinking, but the audacity and cahonas that are needed to create a bat mobile out of a 1990 Toyota Tercel takes more than the baby nuggets that sway back and forth while underage partaking is being discovered.  Yep, it takes approximately two pints of Jack Daniels, eight cans of beer, a Melissa Etheridge cassette, a freakishly tall curb, two blown front tires,  and three friends who are out looking for your drunk driving ass to witness it and the arc of sparks trailing me.

The Chainsaw
This story is a tale of caution for dumb-asses and their power tools. There are some things you just can’t know until you experience them. Even if you get that twinge in your stomach that what you are about to do may not be the safest idea but definitely seems like the quickest way to accomplish the task at hand. 

I’ll admit that climbing a ladder with a running chainsaw to cut down a limb from a tree may not be a good idea because apparently when you fall off of the ladder the chainsaw could slice a hole in your shoulder if you don’t release the trigger. I mean that is a life lesson that I wish I didn’t have to experience, but at the very least maybe I can keep my little ones from having to go through a shoulder surgery or much blood loss.

The Finger Print
This is a story for short-fuse sufferers. Because a college fund has already been started for the four little tikes, I expect each and every one of them to go to college. There may be one who only completes Junior College and probably there is a trade school graduate lumped in the quad as well, but they are going on to bigger and better things.  However, I hope they have a sense of balance about their alma mater and will be strong and level-headed enough to not punch a complete stranger in the nose for making fun of their schools sports team while eating chicken wings and drinking beer in Chili’s bar. Going to jail with chicken wing sauce on your fingers really slows down the booking process.

So, do you see my precarious position?

These are just a sampling of the stories that are true, legendary in my inner circle and will be what I am known for if I don’t change my perspective, habits and outlook. 

So, this New Year I’m really looking to change things up. I’m not really sure where to start. Where do you find people who don’t drink too much, who aren’t filled with cockiness at the core and are easy-going and hate chicken wings? I guess I’ll start at the library or maybe Starbucks.  All of the people at Starbucks always look very calm to be consuming a seven-dollar cup of coffee.  

Live and Love Equally…Happy New Year and partake in the latte!

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