Gay 101: Four types of fag hags

Warning: No, this post is not PC.

Nothing goes better with your skinny jeans and fedora on a wild night out than a fabulous female teetering behind you in her three-inch heels.

She may be your true B.F.F. (best friend forever) or a total frenemy (friend/enemy), but either way she’s your best accessory when you hit the town. Just like fanny packs and scarves, these ladies come in a wide array of colors and styles proving that a fag can't have too many hags. O&AN presents four notorious fairy princesses.

The Devotee

When it comes to the Devotee, think Grace Adler. If your hag is a Grace, chances are, you know it. It is my belief that every hag fancies herself as a Grace. Say the phrase “fag hag” to any woman over age six and she's likely to launch into a detailed account of how she and her gay best friend Charles are “so Will and Grace."

The Devotee is a hag who has found a safety zone with her gay friends. She tries hard to make her love life work, but when things fall to pieces she runs into the arms of her D&G-wearing gay BFF. Her gays give her the attention and support she needs while lending her a male perspective on why her date never called after she broke out her daily food log on date two. The Devotee is stronger than she seems. She is a dedicated friend, and best of all, she can take a joke.

The Devotee cares deeply about her BFF's struggles as a gay man and will even don a pink tee and mount a float during a pride festival to show her support. She might not be able to hang out at the clubs until 3 a.m., but she’ll sure as hell be there first thing in the morning for a cup of coffee and a huge helping of breakfast bitching.

The Paper Doll

The Paper Doll is a fashion failure - cute, but clueless. She could not dress herself even if she was alone in a big white room with a single dress and a gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choos.

She freezes at the mere sight of clothes, quietly dying on the inside as you try to pry the fuscia leggings from her sweaty fists to replace them with nude tights. The Dolly's fashion paralysis points at a more serious personality flaw: homegirl has no real thoughts of her own.

Maybe you work with the Paper Doll and she chills with you on the weekend or you met in college while you were trying to figure yourself out. Either way, you were surprised to find that you have everything in common. You like the same music. You like the same foods. You both think that Madonna should be excommunicated for her work in cinematic flop The Next Best Thing.

But, look closely and you’ll realize that Ms. Doll only laughs when you laugh. At parties, you'll likely find her quietly mimicking your posture and stance and when you pick her up she conveniently “isn’t ready” forcing you pick out her outfit.

Annoying as she can be, her friendship comes with certain perks. She will always make room in her purse for your Chapstick and iPhone if your pants are too tight. She will tell you that you are gorgeous and funny until your ears bleed. She will gladly lure over the guy you've been cruising for the past hour and she'll keep you company at the bars until the wee hours. The PD loves you unconditionally… perhaps worships you a little bit. Doesn’t it feel good?

Just don’t be too disappointed if your doll doesn’t give great relationship advice. After all she’s spending most of her free nights following you to circuit parties for a reason.

The Fair Weather Hag

Every gay man in the history of being gay is going to come to my office with a silver Tiffany’s pitchfork and an Apple Cinnamon scented torch to murder me for what I am about to say. Carrie Bradshaw is a Fair Weather Hag.

There, I said it.

Fabulous as that fictional diva is, The Sultan of Style herself is no Grace Adler. She’d leave her gay high and dry in a heartbeat for girls-only cocktails at an upscale bar. Sure, she loves to have you on her arm at big events and at dinner parties when her boyfriend can’t show. She loves to “do lunch” and “hit the shops” and bitch, bitch, bitch about all of your mutual acquaintances.

She makes a big production of coming with you to the gay bar and shows up with a few other ladies looking fierce, because she is your arm candy and you are hers. But when it comes down to it, this diva is going to chose her sisters over you every time.

Yes, the beautiful Bradshaw had a great friendship with her colorfully-clad Stanny, but when it came to introducing her main squeeze Petrovsky to her BFF’s, she told Stanford, “Sorry, it’s just the girls this time.”

Poor Stanford took it well, but it has to make you wonder, is a gay man just another handbag for Carrie? The Fare Weather Hag will do this to you time and time again.

She's a fab gal to keep in your life, but don’t expect to converse with her about your future plans for adoption. The Fair Weather girl is a phenomenal party partner, and since you’re her accessory, she can be yours. Her great sense of style and steadfast confidence will attract men from every corner of the room who just want to sneak a peek at the gay guy who befriends such a vivacious woman.

When you leave the club with dozens of numbers, it wont matter that she wont be front-and-center at your wedding. That's what your Devotee is for.

The Drama Queen

This girl is seriously whacked out. Maybe you met her while performing in a production of Annie in the summer of 1997 in a theater program that you hated but endured because the lighting guy had great abs.

She's the woman who sat next to you on your first day.

Due to proximity you became warm up partners, then friends, and now you see her out almost every Saturday night and she invariably jumps into your arms (which sucks because she is a little overweight).

The Drama Queen will randomly break into song belting obscure show tunes and insists with her eyebrows that everyone else sing along. She has one steadfast gay BFF (who looks a little bit like her) who harmonizes with her despite being six martinis deep.

When a hot girl walks by, the Drama Queen's eyes flicker ever so slightly causing you to wonder if the thespian is a lesbian. Only time will tell.

Underneath it all, the Drama Queen is a great friend and almost certainly does some social activist work under the radar. If you called her with a problem the DQ would run to your side even if her car wouldn’t start. Just don’t expect her to get all gussied up for a night on the town.

Her idea of getting dressed up for a night out involves a tiara and a ball gown circa 1920, and how can you not love that?

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

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