Breaking up, or leveling up?
Breaking up is fun, right? I mean nothing is more fun than falling hopelessly in love with someone and having your soul completely crushed when they bail on you.
Let me paint you a picture of one of my break ups. We fell in love REALLY hard and fast: together constantly, texting, FaceTiming or talking on the phone. We had great communication and never argued. I would have stood by this person on a walk through hell. Nothing they could've done—not cheating, lying, or choking me–would've made me not want to be with them. Okay, the choking I liked…
I overlooked some red flag behavior because I hoped for growth. This person would at times allow insecurities to reign. When certain people would comment on my Facebook page, this person would recoil and ignore me, to the point that comments on my Facebook page gave me a nervous, stressed out, PTSD-type response, fearing how this person would treat me after they read way too much into innocent comments. I would shake checking my phone. But, they were actively working on it, so I was understanding.
On the other hand, I had one behavior left over from my drug use that I’m not ready to discuss openly at this point, but it is in no way violent, cruel or destructive. It’s just weird and embarrassing, and I am currently in very active therapy for it. And THIS this would be the thing that ended us. Compared to that person’s graveyard of insanity…
So one night while I’m asleep this person goes through my phone (and the maturity award goes to…?). They saw a text that basically said that BEFORE we got together I had slept with someone. I hadn’t disclosed the extent of that old relationship because I was embarrassed I did it. Eventually I would have, but I was still freaked out that I had done that. Make sense? Add to that the fact that this person constantly questioned my previous relationships, wanting details that were just inappropriate and not their business.
Still, I tried to be understanding. This fact finding mission happened right before my birthday and the winter holidays, basically ruining all those since we had planned activities with my family. The person made some small gestures during the holidays after we had some space but nothing reflected the great plans I had been looking forward to.
Honestly, deep down somewhere I want to ruin their birthday some year. I won’t but I want to! Now, if you have a brain capable of logic you’re prolly thinking, “Why the hell did you put up with any of that?” I genuinely believed they could get better and were working on things. When you love someone you do stupid things like that.
In a phone conversation last night this person told me because of the behavior I’m in treatment for people will love me but not want to be with me, even though I never stopped being kind to this person and would never have said something so hurtful. So the original content for this column went out the window: welcome to my “f*ck that” moment.
Here’s why break ups are awesome: I bet you a million dollars that not only *can I* find someone BUT on my first try I will do better, while that person will never do better than me. I’m not perfect, but I am a good person down to the foundation. And it took the break up to show me my awesome.
With the stress of Facebook freak-outs gone, I’m free to post and connect however I choose. I look at my feet and see no grass growing under them. Call me Ms. Movin-on. Break ups are something we sometimes need to grow. There was time when all I wanted was for us to get back together, all I wanted was that person, and I’m not there anymore, I’d be sad if we were no longer friends but I have no desire to be with that person romantically.
There’s nothing like a break up to make you change your look and level up your game, getting you in tune with your inner badass. I changed my hair, started dieting and working out, and put myself out there. At the suggestion of a friend I got on some dating apps to find some “distractions,” and Sully, as usual, was right. The distractions made me feel better. Except for the night I got punched in the face but, I digress.
There’s nothing wrong with being sad after getting dumped, but please know there will come a day when you think, “I don’t care anymore if they move on, I’m over them!” It’s a tiny personal independence day. You’ll shake those feelings off like an etcha-sketch, clean slate!
I know when you’re in the thick of it, it can seem like taking up cutting as hobby is a good idea but focus on staying positive. You will reach a point when you think, “Nah, it was nothing!” Trust me. Eventually I put down the ice cream and took the sad songs off the loop on my ipod, got a makeover, downloaded a dating app, banged a stranger, and watched that sadness fade.
I’m enjoying being single and not caring if I meet someone or not. My life is fantastic, stress free and amazing! I have honestly never been happier than I am right now, and you’ll get there too. In breakups we should learn for the next time to ask for what we deserved and didn’t get.
Here’s the deal: people have a right to not want to be with you. You can’t get outta pocket about it. I’ve been through some shit in my life, my metal has been tested and I know what kind of partner I am—a damn good one. I’m taking that knowledge with me into my future dating situations. I understand now what I bring to the table, and I’m happy to eat alone as long as necessary.
I know, I know—it’s February. I should be all sad and cliché single about Valentine’s Day but I’m not. I’m psyched! And if you’re single you should be too. Here’s to not settling, and to not making peace with a person who f*cked up your once-in-a-lifetime Star Wars birthday cake fight because jealousy ruled them.