Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area?s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you?re asking, yes, she?s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her at francine@askfrancine.com.
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My therapist?s office is in a building with too much marble. I always dress down when I visit him, for if I wear anything expensive, he charges me double-rate.
As I entered his office, I kept thinking of last week. Tammy Faye dying in a house next door to me after I made her my Tuna Surprise (I used an expired can of tuna, whoops!). The guilt making me flee my home in Loch Lloyd, resulting in an unfortunate arrest for DUI and the court order stating that I use my God-inspired talents to write filth for Camp.
Sweet Mrs. Mother of Christ, I needed therapy this week. Larry, my bitter psychologist, prepares my favorite tea for each session and then hovers over me like a common servant. Everyone sucks up when you?re rich. You sad fornicators (all 12 who read this column) can only imagine my power.
Speaking of servants, I drove my Hummer (yes, I have my license back) down to UMKC last week and nearly got trampled by Judy Shepard?s PR firm. Here?s a photo of one of the folks they?ve hired to publicize her appearances. I honestly think she?s so busy with her schedule that she?s not monitoring her new PR campaign. I understand that all publicity is good publicity, but really, Judy! One of my neighbors is a VP at Fleishman Hilliard. I?ll have Kim call you.
So I?m in my therapist?s office. Larry motioned for me to sit down.
?Francine,? Larry said, ?it?s time for us to talk.?
?Of course,? I said, ?but before we do, tell me about the gays and the lesbians. As a therapist, you know hundreds of them. Tell me everything.?
His face drained of its color. I pulled out the Unicorn Theatre?s La Cage aux Folles program and handed it to him. He stared at me as I recounted my horrific tale of writing for Camp, attending a Unicorn production, and the stab in my heart when I think about mingling with the gays.
Larry cleared his throat. ?I do have a number of GLBT clients,? he said.
?What??
He giggled. ?Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender. It?s an acronym.?
Straight men do not giggle, and most don?t know what an acronym means, either. Suddenly, I wanted to call his wife and ask, ?Honey, when?s the last time you touched Larry?s pee-pee??
?Do you go to the gay bars, Larry?? I asked him as I remembered that whole court-order nonsense. ?I ? want to go to a gay bar.?
Larry was sweating. ?I knew Sen. Larry Craig would squeal,? he moaned. ?You must keep this secret. Yes, I?m going out tonight.? I promised to meet him at a bar called Missie B?s right after work.
Strangely excited, I went home and immediately found the tightest pair of panties I owned. I always feel safer when my privates are compacted. Foundation garments give me strength in times of stress.
Driving in rush-hour traffic to midtown Kansas City requires faith, so I was praying as I pulled in to a parking space outside the bar?s entrance.
?Dear Jesus,? I intoned, ?please punish the devil-people at Camp by allowing me to turn these sinners into straights. Once I convert the heathen, there will be nobody left to advertise in that homo publication.? As I lifted my head, I noticed my therapist standing outside my car.
?Francine, I must warn you,? Larry whispered, ?they know me as ?Rock? inside here ? and I?m not a therapist, I?m a construction worker.?
I bit down hard on my lip, and nearly drew blood.
The moment I entered Missie B?s, I was transported to another dimension or generation or whatever. Solid black walls swallowed the sunlight, and low chandeliers (stolen from the set of an Anne Rice vampire movie) gave everyone a healthy, golden glow.
?Rock, over here!? At the sound of his name, LarryRock?s back stiffened, and I followed his manly gait over to a table of somewhat normal-looking men and women.
His voice deepened. ?Howdy, y?all. You looking forward to the AIDS Bicycle Challenge??
?My toes are aching to pump those pedals,? exclaimed a shiny-headed man I later found out was named Michael Lintecum. ?Here! Take a pledge form! And a sticker! It?s all for a good cause, you know!? He was so energetic that I took a photo of him with his boy-wonder sidekick Josh.
Michael looked at me and asked, ?Can you ride a bike??
?No,? I answered.
?Well, you?re in luck! St. Luke?s, Old Navy, Salva O?Renick, Ameriprise Financial, GE,? he gasped for breath, ?and other great sponsors are having a pre-bike ride party tonight! We drink six Miller Lights, someone shows you how to ride a bike, and then we single-file 30 miles down I-35!?
His eyes widened as he saw someone beyond my eyes, and rudely pushed past me. ?Mayor Barnes! Thanks for coming down so quickly! The FBI just gave me some intelligence information about a threat ?? He was swallowed by a huge mass of people, and they disappeared through a side door. Suddenly the bar was quiet.
LarryRock leaned over and whispered, ?Everybody in this town asks that man for advice. Even former Mayor Kay Barnes.?
If my forehead weren?t filled with Botox, I would have scrunched my eyebrows, pondering that curious comment. With my popularity, I could give Kay Barnes a run for her money, but I know that D.C. is an East Coast Sodom (perfect for Kay) and I have my work cut out for me here in Kansas City converting the gays. Besides, Kay knows that I will help her stomp Sam Graves in the next election. However, like most celebrities, there?s an agreement that we will not recognize each other in public.
?Larry?? I whispered.
?Rock!? he angrily hissed.
?Why do you come to this gay establishment??
He glared at me, grabbed my hand, and took me down some steps to a dark, quiet area.
?Francine, there?s three kinds of men in the gay community: Closets, outs and the ones from Raytown. I am a married gay man, and I only come to Missie B?s because of the bachelorette parties. There?s dozens each night. If I get caught, I tell my wife that it?s a work function.?
Sure enough, a gaggle of drunken girl-whores with plastic penis pacifiers around their necks were stumbling into the bar and began sitting down at tables right in front of us. I suddenly realized that it appeared as if we were standing on a stage. A burst of music and lights suddenly put us in the spotlight, causing the whore girls to scream and applaud.
?What should we do?? I yelled at Larry, over the music.
A gigantic spot of red appeared out of nowhere. I heard a loud ?thunk? as a microphone stained with lipstick made contact with my skull.
?What in hell are you doing on my stage?? the sparkly giantess loudly broadcast into her microphone. ?Kansas City, give it up for these two bitches so they?ll get off my stage!?
The crowd applauded wildly, and we rushed off.
Oh, dear. No gays converted. Perhaps next week.
WhistlePig and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Wind Tunnel-Trialed Whiskey Is a Ryed You Don’t Want to Miss
SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.
The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.
Like Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s signature C43 racing vehicles, trial barrels were tested in the team’s wind tunnel in Switzerland before hitting the track. Select barrels then endured varying levels of G-Forces at the WhistlePig farm and distillery for the finishing touch, accelerating the interaction between the whiskey and the wood, staying true to the physical nature of Formula 1.
“Partnering with WhistlePig has been a very exciting experience. Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake is dedicated to being the best on the track, and the crew at WhistlePig is fearless in their pursuit to create the best whiskey out there,” said Valtteri Bottas, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “We’re really looking forward to fans tasting our custom Rye Whiskey and raising a glass to the rookies, veterans, legends and the exhilarating sport of F1.”
"Joining forces with WhistlePig to release a Single Barrel Rye Whiskey that represents my culture and team has been an honor,” said Zhou Guanyu, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “Formula 1 brings together fearless, thrill-seeking motorsports professionals, and WhistlePig has a shared passion for boundary-pushing innovation. Together, we’ve selected something alarmingly good for fans to enjoy this season when the cars are not on track.”
The Limited Edition Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel will be available for purchase online starting around September 13 for $49.99 MSRP per 750ml bottle and sold in select stores across the U.S. Consumers can win VIP merchandise by scanning the QR code on the back of each bottle.
"We're taking our third Legends Series release on a ryed like never before,” said Meghan Ireland, WhistlePig Head Blender. "Our experiments with dynamic aging went full throttle during finishing trials at the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake wind tunnel, in turn inspiring new ways to expose barrels to G-forces back at the WhistlePig Farm. The herbal and floral notes of the lychee and tea barrel selected with the team create a new, podium-topping experience for PiggyBack Rye."
Fans and collectors have followed WhistlePig PiggyBack Legends Series, celebrating those who give 100% in the name of greatness, since its launch in March 2022 with Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, David Ortiz (“Big Papi”), followed by Country Music Duo Brothers Osborne in November 2022.
To learn more about WhistlePig Whiskey, visit whistlepigwhiskey.com. You can also check out WhistlePig Whiskey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
About WhistlePig Whiskey
Located off the grid on a 500-acre Vermont farm, WhistlePig Whiskey is crafted by a new generation of whiskey distillers and blenders driven to reinvent and unlock the flavor of Rye whiskey. Through their rebellious pursuit of experimenting and pushing boundaries in the industry, WhistlePig has become the leading independent craft whiskey brand for innovation. WhistlePig is committed to becoming the best whiskey on and for the planet, starting with its locally sourced ingredients and sustainable supply chain and distilling process. For more information, head to whistlepigwhiskey.com.
Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz
When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.
I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.
If you don’t have a primary care physician who specializes in LGBTQ+ care in your community, you may need to educate yourself (and your provider). But, before you seek such therapy, here are five things you should know!
- Monitor closely. At Spectrum Medical Care Center, we screen patients for certain risks before starting anyone on hormones. We frequently monitor patients in the first year to ensure there are no adverse reactions and lab results are within safe ranges. Follow-up care is also important to assess your comfort with the transition as well as the social impact and social support you’re experiencing.
- Some changes are permanent, some temporary. For transmasculine individuals going on testosterone, they’ll experience these permanent changes: deepened voice, clitoral enlargement (also known as bottom growth), more body, facial hair, and male pattern baldness. Reversible changes include cessation of menses, increased muscle mass and strength, body fat redistribution, and skin oiliness or acne. For those going on estrogen therapy, the most permanent change is breast growth. Feminizing hormone therapy can also cause atrophy (shrinkage) of the genitals and loss of erectile function that may not be reversible. Estrogen will thin body hair, soften the skin, can increase scalp hair, and decrease muscle mass and strength, all of which are reversible.
- You can’t pick and choose results. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose the physical changes you want, which may feel challenging. Some of my patients will say, ‘Okay, ‘I’ve seen the permanent changes I want, and I don’t want it to go any further,’ and so at that point, we stop therapy. Low-dose hormone therapy can slow down the rate of changes, allowing for a more gradual physical transition. We counsel patients in advance about the common changes, and it’s up to the individual as to when they’d like to scale back and determine whether some benefits are worth the potential risks.
- Be aware of risks. Like any medical treatment, there are potential risks involved. Some risks with testosterone therapy include increased red blood cell mass, acne, hypertension, sleep apnea, weight gain, and dyslipidemia (increases the chance of clogged arteries). Cardiovascular disease is likely increased with additional risk factors for testosterone and estrogen therapy. Transfeminine patients going on estrogen therapy may experience weight gain, thromboembolic disease (when a blood clot breaks off and blocks another blood vessel), and a high level of triglycerides in the blood.
Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area
Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!
Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.
"Our entire team is honored to be named Best of the Best. To be the only gay men's resort recognized in the Top 1% is incredibly humbling," said Kent Taylor, General Manager at Descanso. "We appreciate Tripadvisor and we're grateful to all our guests who gave us such high marks and reviews to help us reach this achievement."
“Ranking among the Best of the Best demonstrates that you have provided exemplary experiences to those who maZer most: your guests,” said John Boris, Chief Growth Officer at Tripadvisor. “With changing expectations, continued labor shortages, and rising costs, this is no easy feat, and I am con6nually impressed with the hospitality industry’s resilience and ability to adapt.”
Santiago Resort was once again honored by Tripadvisor with a 2023 Travelers’ Choice award, placing it among the top 10% of travelers’ top reviewed des6na6ons. Twin Palms will become eligible for ranking in 2024.
Check out all the reviews, and discover more about Descanso Resort on Tripadvisor here. We have an excellent library of resort imagery available to accompany editorial and additional resources on our press page. Please contact Descanso Resort’s General Manager, Kent Taylor, at kent@descansoresort.com for further information.
About Descanso Resort
Inspired by Palm Springs’ history as a des6na6on for Hollywood stars to unwind in privacy, Descanso offers guests a casual yet modern take on the legendary style of that 6me. Created by the same hospitality team that revitalized Palm Springs’ much-loved San6ago Resort and recently launched the all-new Twin Palms Resort, the Descanso property opened in 2022 featuring 15 spacious guest rooms with custom-designed furniture, dreamy King-size beds, and luxe details. Ameni6es include continental breakfast, poolside lunch, welcome snack basket, and lots of special touches. For guests who need to stay connected, the entire property is equipped with blazing-fast Wi-Fi. Mul6-speed bikes are available for exploring the surrounding midcentury neighborhoods and public art installations. Like the Hollywood stars before them, guests at Descanso are encouraged to unwind, relax, and rest in style.
About Tripadvisor
Travelers across the globe use the Tripadvisor site and app to discover where to stay, what to do and where to eat based on guidance from those who have been there before. With more than 1 billion reviews and opinions of nearly 8 million businesses, travelers turn to Tripadvisor to find deals on accommodations, book experiences, reserve tables at delicious restaurants and discover great places nearby.