Ask Francine - The First Step in Transforming the Gays: Reading My Diary

A new year, and already I?m looking forward to spring, and the main reason ? April is the month when procreating heterosexuals have their once-a-year intimate relations. I have been invited to dozens of birthday gatherings these first two weeks of January, and as I count back nine months, there?s evidence that most proper Bible-Belt Christians choose one evening in April as their night to be intimate. Two of the offspring, Victoria and Jim, celebrated their 21st birthday with bar-centered events, and here?s proof that alcohol makes you age prematurely.

For shame. If only I could take over America, and lead sinners such as these to a more youthful, healthy lifestyle. Oops! That sounds like an invitation to pray ? get down on your knees, reader.

As we kneel in prayer, I wonder if the Lord will really strike the Demon-crats from the earth and install the Rev. Michael Huckabee as our next commander. I get little shivers when I see him on television, and I know that in the coming months, as we count down to the Rapture, we?ll need the Most Rev. Mr. President as our Lord?s mouthpiece. I hope he reads this fan letter and sends me an 8 x10 glossy.

Like many of you, I spent New Year?s Eve in bed ? praying. As the clock struck midnight, sweat beads formed on my brow and my clasped hands trembled as I asked God to lead me into temptation, and then quickly back out again. Sort of like a Jesus Amusement Park ride. And as Kansas City?s favorite Christian (yes, you sinners have actually sent me e-mails crowning me with this honor), I will be able to lead you out of this lifestyle you have chosen and down the path to PTO meetings, birth control and year-long abstinence (see paragraph 1, above). To begin this transformation, I?ll share with you four pages from my diary this year:
Tuesday, January 1, 2008.
Dear Diary,
Gloria Squitiro, wife of K.C. Mayor Funkhouser, sends me her annual holiday letter. If you?re unaware of its infamous contents, she describes watching a physician give her husband, the mayor of Kansas City, a prostate exam. She described the physician?s fingers as ?sausage-sized.? And she writes ?when the doctor hit his mark ... Funk?s eyes bulge[d> out of his head.? Honestly, Gloria. The things you politicians say... and do... to get the gay vote. Truly sinful.
Friday, January 4, 2008.
Dear Diary,
I?m sorry I haven?t written anything this week. The first week of the new year was blissful and peace-filled. My pool boy, Jay-Jay, just started screaming in the other room. I ran in (thinking that his Brazilian waxing session had gone awry) and discovered that he had won two tickets on the radio to a Korean comedy restaurant. He?s taking me tonight.
Sunday, January 6, 2008.
Oh, Diary.
Margaret Cho is not a Korean comedy restaurant. She is a woman who stands on a stage and tries to get people to laugh by using dirty words. Beautiful little animals, like beavers, have their names ruined with her nasty tongue. I washed my own mouth out with soap when I got home, and I still don?t feel clean. Maybe a sponge bath with Clorox.
Saturday, January 12, 2008.
I attended a private event held to honor me and the contributions I am making to Kansas City. Held in a formerly stately residence in a faded neighborhood, I endured countless speeches of accolades and (while I love the adoration) I can?t handle alcohol. (In fact, it was my unfortunate DUI that led to the court order mandating that I write this filthy column for Camp.) Someone handed me a Sloe Gin Fizz, I took one sip, and nearly fell asleep.
At that moment, a young man nipped my backside with a tiny pinch. This caused me to shriek, soiling my Roberto Cavalli silk blouse with the adult beverage. I was rushed to the nearest restroom to clean the stain, where I discovered a trio locked in a friendly embrace. I ordered them out so I could clean my blouse with club soda. It was a humid night, however, and my blouse would not dry. I was forced to wear my mink for the remainder of the celebration.
The curse of being me. Aren?t you jealous?

To end this week?s column, I have discovered something about the gays that really annoys me: Everyone wants to be tipped. I?m always handing out extra dollar bills for you hairstylists, waiters, and now I must hand hard-earned cash to men who dress as women pretending to sing songs? This whole gay tipping thing is so complicated.? Am I tipping the song-faker and/or is the money going to Musicians Union? You?ll have to bear with me, Kansas City, as I try to understand the fascination you have with throwing dollar bills at cross-dressing drag queens and kings. I?m straight, fiscally conservative and totally confused."

Photo courtesy of Jose Cuervo

2023 Reserva de la Familia Limited Edition Terceerunquinto

On January 10, 2023, Reserva de la Familia, Jose Cuervo’s ultra-premium collection of artisanal small-batch tequilas and Mexico’s crown jewel, announced its 2023 collector’s box, designed by artists Rolando Flores and Gabriel Cázares of the Mexico-based Tercerunquinto Collective. The piece of custom art, titled “Structuring a Landscape”, features a geometric abstraction of the landscape of Tequila, Mexico and will adorn the 2023 limited-release collector’s box of Reserva de la Familia Extra Añejo.

Since 1995, Jose Cuervo has worked with internationally recognized artists with roots in Mexico to design the box artwork for Reserva de la Familia Extra Añejo. Each box is an authentic collector’s item, with a limited quantity produced annually before a new artist is chosen. Previous artists include Gonzalo Lebrija, Pedro Friedeberg, Carlos Aguirre, Ricardo Pinto and many more. Every artist is selected by a team of art curators including 11th generation Cuervo family member and CEO of Jose Cuervo, Juan Domingo Beckmann, Executive Director of El Museo del Barrio in New York City, Patrick Charpenel and founder of Zona Maco, Mexico’s number one art fair, Zélika García.

Keep reading Show less
Photo courtesy of Velvet Ibiza

Velvet Ibiza

Every year, Ibiza is home to Europe’s very epic queer woman’s party, Velvet Ibiza, which is celebrating its 7th anniversary and promises to be next level. Velvet Ibiza is an all-inclusive 5-day and 5-night party and includes transportation from the airport, a bungalow, 3 meals, and activities and parties day and night, and drinks until around 10:30 pm.

This year, international crowds of LGBTQ+ women will be attending Velvet Ibiza on May 2 - 7 to celebrate life, belonging, and freedom. Event organizers have rented an entire resort in order to build a community vibe and allow queer women to connect so there’s no reason to go anywhere unless of course, you want to go shopping, head to the beach, or explore the island.

Keep reading Show less

Financial Planning for the LGBTQ+ community

The new year has arrived. For many people, that means making resolutions and thinking of ways they can do better in the coming year and beyond. Money management and financial planning are often very popular resolutions and goals, but most financial advice tends to be aimed at heterosexual couples who want to grow their family and raise children.

But, what if your life goals are different? What if you don’t receive the same protection under the current laws as hetero couples?
What if you don’t want to have kids?

Keep reading Show less