Happening in Kansas City
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A new year, and already I?m looking forward to spring, and the main reason ? April is the month when procreating heterosexuals have their once-a-year intimate relations. I have been invited to dozens of birthday gatherings these first two weeks of January, and as I count back nine months, there?s evidence that most proper Bible-Belt Christians choose one evening in April as their night to be intimate. Two of the offspring, Victoria and Jim, celebrated their 21st birthday with bar-centered events, and here?s proof that alcohol makes you age prematurely.
For shame. If only I could take over America, and lead sinners such as these to a more youthful, healthy lifestyle. Oops! That sounds like an invitation to pray ? get down on your knees, reader.
As we kneel in prayer, I wonder if the Lord will really strike the Demon-crats from the earth and install the Rev. Michael Huckabee as our next commander. I get little shivers when I see him on television, and I know that in the coming months, as we count down to the Rapture, we?ll need the Most Rev. Mr. President as our Lord?s mouthpiece. I hope he reads this fan letter and sends me an 8 x10 glossy.
Like many of you, I spent New Year?s Eve in bed ? praying. As the clock struck midnight, sweat beads formed on my brow and my clasped hands trembled as I asked God to lead me into temptation, and then quickly back out again. Sort of like a Jesus Amusement Park ride. And as Kansas City?s favorite Christian (yes, you sinners have actually sent me e-mails crowning me with this honor), I will be able to lead you out of this lifestyle you have chosen and down the path to PTO meetings, birth control and year-long abstinence (see paragraph 1, above). To begin this transformation, I?ll share with you four pages from my diary this year:
Tuesday, January 1, 2008.
Gloria Squitiro, wife of K.C. Mayor Funkhouser, sends me her annual holiday letter. If you?re unaware of its infamous contents, she describes watching a physician give her husband, the mayor of Kansas City, a prostate exam. She described the physician?s fingers as ?sausage-sized.? And she writes ?when the doctor hit his mark ... Funk?s eyes bulge[d> out of his head.? Honestly, Gloria. The things you politicians say... and do... to get the gay vote. Truly sinful.
Friday, January 4, 2008.
I?m sorry I haven?t written anything this week. The first week of the new year was blissful and peace-filled. My pool boy, Jay-Jay, just started screaming in the other room. I ran in (thinking that his Brazilian waxing session had gone awry) and discovered that he had won two tickets on the radio to a Korean comedy restaurant. He?s taking me tonight.
Sunday, January 6, 2008.
Margaret Cho is not a Korean comedy restaurant. She is a woman who stands on a stage and tries to get people to laugh by using dirty words. Beautiful little animals, like beavers, have their names ruined with her nasty tongue. I washed my own mouth out with soap when I got home, and I still don?t feel clean. Maybe a sponge bath with Clorox.
Saturday, January 12, 2008.
I attended a private event held to honor me and the contributions I am making to Kansas City. Held in a formerly stately residence in a faded neighborhood, I endured countless speeches of accolades and (while I love the adoration) I can?t handle alcohol. (In fact, it was my unfortunate DUI that led to the court order mandating that I write this filthy column for Camp.) Someone handed me a Sloe Gin Fizz, I took one sip, and nearly fell asleep.
At that moment, a young man nipped my backside with a tiny pinch. This caused me to shriek, soiling my Roberto Cavalli silk blouse with the adult beverage. I was rushed to the nearest restroom to clean the stain, where I discovered a trio locked in a friendly embrace. I ordered them out so I could clean my blouse with club soda. It was a humid night, however, and my blouse would not dry. I was forced to wear my mink for the remainder of the celebration.
The curse of being me. Aren?t you jealous?
To end this week?s column, I have discovered something about the gays that really annoys me: Everyone wants to be tipped. I?m always handing out extra dollar bills for you hairstylists, waiters, and now I must hand hard-earned cash to men who dress as women pretending to sing songs? This whole gay tipping thing is so complicated.? Am I tipping the song-faker and/or is the money going to Musicians Union? You?ll have to bear with me, Kansas City, as I try to understand the fascination you have with throwing dollar bills at cross-dressing drag queens and kings. I?m straight, fiscally conservative and totally confused."
After the last 2 years of dealing with the pandemic and packing on those COVID pounds here are some motivational quotes that can be the spark plugs to our wellness engines. You can have a full tank of gas, a clean carburetor, all the fluids topped off, and 300 horsepower of Detroit’s finest under the hood, but you’re going nowhere without that initial spark. In your quest for well-being, you need a catalyst to move you from idle to ideal. Here are some motivational jolts to inspire you to get your health and fitness vehicle moving.
Make time for exercise each dayPhoto by Victor Freitas on Unsplash
Thomas Paine said, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” You will have conflicts with making time for exercise each day. The treadmill will conflict with your enjoyment of the living-room couch and its fluffy pillows. Your body will engage in conflict with dumbbells and exercise balls as it seeks better health. Embrace these conflicts with excitement, and walk through the smoke and fire. Triumph is waiting on the other side.
Marathon runnersPhoto by Miguel A. Amutio on Unsplash
John F. Kennedy said, “Things do not happen. Things are made to happen.” The firefighter’s 55-pound weight loss did not just happen one day on a call. The computer programmer’s success in the Chicago Marathon did not just happen on a Sunday in October. The 4th grade teacher’s significant drop in cholesterol level did not just happen the day before spring break. These people made things happen…and it took time.
Ralph Marston of The Daily Motivator website, wrote, “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” Let today be the first day in 28 years without a cigarette. Stay an extra five minutes on the recumbent bike at the gym today. Start training today for the three-day breast cancer walk that is scheduled for the fall. Tomorrow is always waiting to see what you put in your piggy bank today. Invest wisely and watch the dividends grow.
Full MoonPhoto by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash
Jill McLemore once said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars.” Set that goal to trim 75 pounds from your body. Only losing 42 pounds puts you way out there with the North Star. Aim to run 750 miles this year. Coming up 68 miles short will still put you past that former planet Pluto and on your way to the Orion constellation. Dropping eight waist sizes by Christmas instead of the projected 10 will let you glow with the luminescence of several brilliant wonders in the sky. By the way, I think there’s a full moon tonight!
Zig Ziglar stated, “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Tom Cruise was another aspiring pretty face in Hollywood about 30 years ago before starting to audition for parts in TV shows. Jared Fogle was a morbidly obese college student at Indiana University in the 1990s before beginning his Subway diet. Mark Zuckerberg was just another starry-eyed Ivy Leaguer until he began to implement a social network idea. They all have that common bond: They started something.
These motivational quotes should help get your wellness engine running and once your car is started there’s no telling where your health and fitness can go. Don't forget to end me a postcard when you get there!
This health and fitness article is brought to you by that guy who’s sneaky like a black hole and bright like a nebula. My name is Ron Blake and I can be found playing with my telescope at email@example.com.
Curative has announced that it is currently providing COVID-19 no-cost testing in your area at Metropolitan Community College.
Stay safe and get tested!
You can schedule COVID-19 Test at curative.com, and receive results in 24-48 hours.
Curative is the leading provider of COVID-19 testing in the United States. Curative’s mission is to end the COVID-19 pandemic by providing simple-to-use and painless testing at scale to produce reliable data for patients and health officials. We know that broad access to testing, robust contact tracing, and a vaccine are necessary to end the pandemic.
Is there any cost?
Regarding the tests, there is no out of pocket cost to the individual. Through the CARES act, all individuals with health insurance will be covered for a COVID-19 test. No one is ever charged a copay or deductible.
For uninsured individuals, they are covered under the HRSA fund under the CARES act. Curative will never send a bill to any individual getting a COVID-19 test through any of our testing sites.
How soon do I get the results?
Curative provides results within 24 hours of arrival at our lab (if not sooner). We pride ourselves on our ability to distribute tests rapidly, test patients easily, and send them their results quickly. Other highlights include:
· Non-invasive cheek swab (video) that is more accurate (~90%) than a nasopharyngeal test (~80%)
· Can be self-collected under supervision by lightly-trained individuals (so no onsite medical professional required)
· Results within 24 hours of receipt at our lab
· Lab capacity to process tens of thousands of additional tests
· Manufacturing capacity to meet any order size
· Minimal PPE requirement due to the test’s self-collected method
Please visit curative.com to schedule your no-cost appointment TODAY at a site nearest to you. Together we can end this pandemic!
Curative believes that communal well-being is fundamental to individual health.
Curative is building infrastructure to make essential health services easier to access for everyone. Their infrastructure is designed to change as the world does—offering nearby access, affordable services, and science-based guidance.
Their efforts are supported by the optimism and ambition we share with communities across the US, and together we’re imagining new ways to help more people stay safe, healthy, and informed wherever they are.
“I wish I could work out, too, but I just don’t have the motivation!”
Give me a dollar for every time I’ve heard that and I’d be in Cabo San Lucas with an umbrella drink right now. Let’s identify a few of your motivations to get you on the right path. They are there … you just need to realize them so you can make it a great 2022.
How about getting healthy so you can be at that Christmas celebration in 30 years with all the family gathered around and exchanging presents? There will be nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, children and maybe some grandchildren, all enjoying the sounds and sights of the season. That would be amazing!
How about being healthy so you can watch the first man land on Mars in 2030? You hear all the talk about preparing for a mission to Mars, but it will be a long time in coming. Just think if you were alive and well to see it happen!
How about being healthy so you can attend that 60-year class reunion? It might even be nice to walk into the function with a spring in your step and a glow of health about you! Many of your classmates will have walked past St. Peter and those pearly gates by that time, but you can give yourself a chance to stay here with some proactive measures.
How about being healthy so you can spend more time being relaxed and retired? It would be awesome to just not have to do anything you didn’t want to do! Get up every day and use that watch they gave you as a fashion accessory only. With a healthy body, you can spend ample time in the lap of leisure well into your 90s.
How about being healthy so you can walk your dog with your grandkids or great-nephews after that Thanksgiving meal many years down the road? It will be so cool to have that turkey dinner with all the relatives, but it’ll be even more fun to be able to move around without having to catch your breath between steps.
How about being healthy so you can continue to enjoy vibrant sunsets, thrilling football games, colorful leaves in the fall, summer barbecues, or birthday cards in the mail?
Everyone can find the motivation to work out! You just have to identify which motivation will get you to your starting line each day and which will help you get to your daily finish line.
There are plenty of great things to enjoy in life. Find your motivation and start earning your frequent flyer miles for your healthy life. Then soar into the future with excitement about what will be!
This article of motivation is brought to you by a guy who knows a good thing when he sees it. That guy of good vision is Ron Blake, and he can be spotted on that bright horizon at firstname.lastname@example.org.