My hands are shaking, for if anyone finds out I am writing a column for this tabloid, I could get kicked out of my mansion in Loch Lloyd. I just know it.
Outside, my cabana boy Jay-Jay (who reads this piece of trash) is vacuuming the pool. His sweaty, tanned chest flexes in the hot sun. Why did God waste such beauty on such young manflesh, only to have him desire other men? I feel dirty writing these words, knowing that people like you are reading them.
I want to scrub my skin bloody in a bathtub filled with Clorox.
How did I get into this mess?
Tammy Faye. She moved in next door to me. So I bake a nice tuna surprise, knock on her door (it took her forever to answer it), and after one look at her, I urged her to take a bite.
?You?re so skinny,? I tell her. ?What is your secret??
She just smiled, took a puff from her cigarette, and shut the door in my face.
Before I got back to my house, the place was crawling with news crews and morticians. Tammy Faye was dead.
Popping open a nice ?78 Chateau Lafite Rothschild, I drank half of it on an empty stomach. As the sound of helicopters hummed through my slate roof, I knew the truth: Tuna surprise killed Tammy Faye. I should have checked the expiration date on that can of fish.
In a sweat, I climbed into my Hummer and burned rubber toward the Legends in Wyandotte County. Nobody would think of finding me there.
Nobody except the cops. Spread-eagled against the side of a police car, I was charged with DUI and not the murder of the Pentecostal Princess, thank God. Within minutes, my darling Jay-Jay rescued me with his skin-tight black tank top and crisp bail money. My attorney got me a private visit with the judge, and that damn liberal dictated that I give 50 hours of service to the needy.
Who are the needy, you ask? Camp Newspaper. I have to spend 50 hours writing a column for Camp.
They?re hideous monsters. I am being forced to explore the gay/lesbian and bisexual/transgender community of Kansas City (please, God, take me home right now, I pray to you in heaven).
So I?ll begin my journey into Hell by recounting my tale of a dark, terrifying place called the Unicorn Theatre. As my driver circled the block (that Democrat judge took my driver?s license for a month), I looked out the tinted window and found myself in ghetto Missouri. The limo door opened, and I stepped onto a filthy sidewalk on my way to witness a theatrical presentation of La Cage aux Folles.
I immediately saw my reflection in the Unicorn plate-glass windows. Even with three adult children (very young adults, mind you), my beauty is still ravishing. Beyond the windows, they?re building a new stage. Called the Jerome Theatre, named after some Jerome, I assume, it looks sleek, as if designed by a notable from Johnson County. With real estate in a slump, unemployed architects have to feed their families, and designing nice things for Missourians must tear out their hearts.
Suddenly, I was surrounded by a gang of half-drunk, uncultivated wildlings. They seemed sane, and their cloddish manners were somewhat endearing, so I took their photo with my new iPhone. Perhaps the Camp people will print it. Like a pack of homeless dogs, they followed me into the theater. I ducked into the women?s room to escape. No one is to be trusted, especially in the ?hood.
What an odd mix of people were in the audience. Men on men, women on men, women on women that look like men. I clutched my Kate Spade tightly and let my theater program drop to the floor.
The show began, and the damn thing was about MORE HOMOSEXUALS. Tap dancing and green tongues and swinging from rafters, the men who love men while dressing up as women left me exhausted. I couldn?t even rise from my seat during intermission. I sat there, wondering how such public antics were legal in Gov. Matt Blunt?s state. That cute little mousey wife of his would have tinkled in her big-girl cotton panties witnessing this.
The second act attempted to normalize ?gay? love. I had to divert my mind, so I thought about the pile of rubbish in front of the late Tammy Faye?s house, wondering whether it contained any artifacts to sell on eBay. Suddenly the show was over, so I snapped an iPhone shot of the cast. Out of nowhere, I found myself surrounded by the drunken creatures that I met earlier at the door.
One of them slobbered, ?Wanna go have a drink with us?? I smiled politely, and watched a handsome man reach down, pick my program off the floor, and hand it to me. They surrounded me, and I had no choice but to follow. Exiting the theater, I saw my limo waiting, so I quickly jumped in and commanded a swift return to Loch Lloyd. I turned around and saw the group standing silently, staring at the limo, sadness in their eyes.
Everyone is sad, I reminded myself, and glanced down at the Unicorn program in my hand. Someone had written ?Joe? and a phone number on the cover. How odd. This will be a story to tell my therapist tomorrow. Yes, Larry will hear all about it.
WhistlePig and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Wind Tunnel-Trialed Whiskey Is a Ryed You Don’t Want to Miss
SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.
The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.
Like Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s signature C43 racing vehicles, trial barrels were tested in the team’s wind tunnel in Switzerland before hitting the track. Select barrels then endured varying levels of G-Forces at the WhistlePig farm and distillery for the finishing touch, accelerating the interaction between the whiskey and the wood, staying true to the physical nature of Formula 1.
“Partnering with WhistlePig has been a very exciting experience. Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake is dedicated to being the best on the track, and the crew at WhistlePig is fearless in their pursuit to create the best whiskey out there,” said Valtteri Bottas, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “We’re really looking forward to fans tasting our custom Rye Whiskey and raising a glass to the rookies, veterans, legends and the exhilarating sport of F1.”
"Joining forces with WhistlePig to release a Single Barrel Rye Whiskey that represents my culture and team has been an honor,” said Zhou Guanyu, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “Formula 1 brings together fearless, thrill-seeking motorsports professionals, and WhistlePig has a shared passion for boundary-pushing innovation. Together, we’ve selected something alarmingly good for fans to enjoy this season when the cars are not on track.”
The Limited Edition Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel will be available for purchase online starting around September 13 for $49.99 MSRP per 750ml bottle and sold in select stores across the U.S. Consumers can win VIP merchandise by scanning the QR code on the back of each bottle.
"We're taking our third Legends Series release on a ryed like never before,” said Meghan Ireland, WhistlePig Head Blender. "Our experiments with dynamic aging went full throttle during finishing trials at the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake wind tunnel, in turn inspiring new ways to expose barrels to G-forces back at the WhistlePig Farm. The herbal and floral notes of the lychee and tea barrel selected with the team create a new, podium-topping experience for PiggyBack Rye."
Fans and collectors have followed WhistlePig PiggyBack Legends Series, celebrating those who give 100% in the name of greatness, since its launch in March 2022 with Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, David Ortiz (“Big Papi”), followed by Country Music Duo Brothers Osborne in November 2022.
To learn more about WhistlePig Whiskey, visit whistlepigwhiskey.com. You can also check out WhistlePig Whiskey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
About WhistlePig Whiskey
Located off the grid on a 500-acre Vermont farm, WhistlePig Whiskey is crafted by a new generation of whiskey distillers and blenders driven to reinvent and unlock the flavor of Rye whiskey. Through their rebellious pursuit of experimenting and pushing boundaries in the industry, WhistlePig has become the leading independent craft whiskey brand for innovation. WhistlePig is committed to becoming the best whiskey on and for the planet, starting with its locally sourced ingredients and sustainable supply chain and distilling process. For more information, head to whistlepigwhiskey.com.
Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz
When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.
I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.
If you don’t have a primary care physician who specializes in LGBTQ+ care in your community, you may need to educate yourself (and your provider). But, before you seek such therapy, here are five things you should know!
- Monitor closely. At Spectrum Medical Care Center, we screen patients for certain risks before starting anyone on hormones. We frequently monitor patients in the first year to ensure there are no adverse reactions and lab results are within safe ranges. Follow-up care is also important to assess your comfort with the transition as well as the social impact and social support you’re experiencing.
- Some changes are permanent, some temporary. For transmasculine individuals going on testosterone, they’ll experience these permanent changes: deepened voice, clitoral enlargement (also known as bottom growth), more body, facial hair, and male pattern baldness. Reversible changes include cessation of menses, increased muscle mass and strength, body fat redistribution, and skin oiliness or acne. For those going on estrogen therapy, the most permanent change is breast growth. Feminizing hormone therapy can also cause atrophy (shrinkage) of the genitals and loss of erectile function that may not be reversible. Estrogen will thin body hair, soften the skin, can increase scalp hair, and decrease muscle mass and strength, all of which are reversible.
- You can’t pick and choose results. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose the physical changes you want, which may feel challenging. Some of my patients will say, ‘Okay, ‘I’ve seen the permanent changes I want, and I don’t want it to go any further,’ and so at that point, we stop therapy. Low-dose hormone therapy can slow down the rate of changes, allowing for a more gradual physical transition. We counsel patients in advance about the common changes, and it’s up to the individual as to when they’d like to scale back and determine whether some benefits are worth the potential risks.
- Be aware of risks. Like any medical treatment, there are potential risks involved. Some risks with testosterone therapy include increased red blood cell mass, acne, hypertension, sleep apnea, weight gain, and dyslipidemia (increases the chance of clogged arteries). Cardiovascular disease is likely increased with additional risk factors for testosterone and estrogen therapy. Transfeminine patients going on estrogen therapy may experience weight gain, thromboembolic disease (when a blood clot breaks off and blocks another blood vessel), and a high level of triglycerides in the blood.
Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area
Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!
Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.
"Our entire team is honored to be named Best of the Best. To be the only gay men's resort recognized in the Top 1% is incredibly humbling," said Kent Taylor, General Manager at Descanso. "We appreciate Tripadvisor and we're grateful to all our guests who gave us such high marks and reviews to help us reach this achievement."
“Ranking among the Best of the Best demonstrates that you have provided exemplary experiences to those who maZer most: your guests,” said John Boris, Chief Growth Officer at Tripadvisor. “With changing expectations, continued labor shortages, and rising costs, this is no easy feat, and I am con6nually impressed with the hospitality industry’s resilience and ability to adapt.”
Santiago Resort was once again honored by Tripadvisor with a 2023 Travelers’ Choice award, placing it among the top 10% of travelers’ top reviewed des6na6ons. Twin Palms will become eligible for ranking in 2024.
Check out all the reviews, and discover more about Descanso Resort on Tripadvisor here. We have an excellent library of resort imagery available to accompany editorial and additional resources on our press page. Please contact Descanso Resort’s General Manager, Kent Taylor, at kent@descansoresort.com for further information.
About Descanso Resort
Inspired by Palm Springs’ history as a des6na6on for Hollywood stars to unwind in privacy, Descanso offers guests a casual yet modern take on the legendary style of that 6me. Created by the same hospitality team that revitalized Palm Springs’ much-loved San6ago Resort and recently launched the all-new Twin Palms Resort, the Descanso property opened in 2022 featuring 15 spacious guest rooms with custom-designed furniture, dreamy King-size beds, and luxe details. Ameni6es include continental breakfast, poolside lunch, welcome snack basket, and lots of special touches. For guests who need to stay connected, the entire property is equipped with blazing-fast Wi-Fi. Mul6-speed bikes are available for exploring the surrounding midcentury neighborhoods and public art installations. Like the Hollywood stars before them, guests at Descanso are encouraged to unwind, relax, and rest in style.
About Tripadvisor
Travelers across the globe use the Tripadvisor site and app to discover where to stay, what to do and where to eat based on guidance from those who have been there before. With more than 1 billion reviews and opinions of nearly 8 million businesses, travelers turn to Tripadvisor to find deals on accommodations, book experiences, reserve tables at delicious restaurants and discover great places nearby.