Ask Francine - Golf and the Horror of Gay Marriage
My little sister Lurline and I were having brunch over the weekend in the sunroom of her lovely Overland Park home in the Lionsgate subdivision. With a view overlooking the Nicklaus-designed golf course, we dined on 100-calorie Oreo snack packs and Diet Pepsi.
Mama raised three of us girls: me, Lurline and the oldest, Maxine (we don’t talk about her anymore.). Lurline and I giggled, watching drunken golfers miss ball after ball, and suddenly I spied two older women, golf clubs in hand, sneak a kiss when nobody was looking,
“Lurline!” I yelled, barely containing my excitement. “Did you see the old ladies kissing?”
Her voice began to tremble. “They’re holding hands!”
They were gazing at each other with adoration, both decked out in Hilfiger golf attire (though the fashions were last season’s, I still give them credit for the designer labels!). They sat down in the golf cart and held hands, waiting for the two men they were with to complete their putts. I couldn’t wait to see the fireworks when the men returned and discovered the dirty little secret.
“Gay marriage!” yelled Lurline. “That’s what it’s doing to our families, breaking up happily married couples. I’ve half a mind to take my bullhorn and yell Leviticus 18:22 at those sodomites: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination!’”
I popped another dry mini-Oreo into my mouth and began dreaming of the mango margarita I had at the Heartland Men’s Chorus Garden Party a few days before and the carefree evening afterward, spinning the propeller on the homeowner’s lawn ornament — the ornament being an actual nose section of an airplane. Those Ward Parkway folk are becoming too urban — an airplane’s nosecone would NEVER be allowed as a lawn ornament in Loch Lloyd, much less Lionsgate. But when you get all those singing bald men together in one place, strange things happen.
Speaking of strange things, I got an e-mail from a spy at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, with notice that those Mormons will be telling followers to vote no on California’s gay marriage initiative in November. Considering the fact that they worship some desert-rat Jesus, I am actually pleased that they’ve joined the True Christian alliance and oppose gay marriage, the destruction of a union of one man and one woman.
As Lurline kept pounding with her shoe’s heel on the bullet-proof glass of her sunroom (living next to a golf course that doesn’t have an AA chapter can be dangerous), I jotted down a few reasons that gay marriage will destroy our society. I’m sharing them with you along with this column. (As you know, I was ordered to write for this trashy rag by a liberal judge after my unfortunate DUI conviction.) Look over there to the right to read my list.
One reason that the gays will destroy the straights is that the gay boys are much, much cuter than the lumpy, hairy things we call straight men. A few photos snapped from my iPhone show why I enjoy the gay culture. I don’t agree with you all on everything, but we all agree that little Charles was the favorite boy-toy of the night.
As I awoke from my daydream about propellers, Mormons and muscles, I heard Lurline yelling at the golfers. I guess the two men had suddenly arrived, quickly kissed the ladies, and then sat down together in the front seat.
And then THEY held hands.
How Gay Marriage Will Destroy Society As We Know It
1. It will lead to higher divorce rates as Republican men
discover a new tax loophole.
2. Men and monkeys will marry.
3. Polygamists, incestuous couples and bestialitists will have perverted Pride Events every June.
4. Gay couples will build secret underground caverns in their backyards and sexually abuse their children for years and years.
5. The voters have spoken: Gays shall not marry. The voters know best, and they shall be obeyed (regardless of all those pro-slavery votes over the years).
6. Marriage’s primary function is for procreation, and
homosexual unions, which don’t produce children, are not normal. Marriages of infertile heterosexual couples are
somehow different. I can’t tell you how, but it’s just so.
7. It means more wedding presents to purchase. With
budgets stretched to the limit, sinners, one less wedding gift to purchase would be music to my ears.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. This satirical column is meant in jest and non-thought-provoking fun! Francine’s opinions are her own, and they do not necessarily reflect those of Camp or anyone connected to Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her at email@example.com.