My little sister Lurline and I were having brunch over the weekend in the sunroom of her lovely Overland Park home in the Lionsgate subdivision. With a view overlooking the Nicklaus-designed golf course, we dined on 100-calorie Oreo snack packs and Diet Pepsi.
Mama raised three of us girls: me, Lurline and the oldest, Maxine (we don’t talk about her anymore.). Lurline and I giggled, watching drunken golfers miss ball after ball, and suddenly I spied two older women, golf clubs in hand, sneak a kiss when nobody was looking,
“Lurline!” I yelled, barely containing my excitement. “Did you see the old ladies kissing?”
Her voice began to tremble. “They’re holding hands!”
They were gazing at each other with adoration, both decked out in Hilfiger golf attire (though the fashions were last season’s, I still give them credit for the designer labels!). They sat down in the golf cart and held hands, waiting for the two men they were with to complete their putts. I couldn’t wait to see the fireworks when the men returned and discovered the dirty little secret.
“Gay marriage!” yelled Lurline. “That’s what it’s doing to our families, breaking up happily married couples. I’ve half a mind to take my bullhorn and yell Leviticus 18:22 at those sodomites: ‘Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination!’”
I popped another dry mini-Oreo into my mouth and began dreaming of the mango margarita I had at the Heartland Men’s Chorus Garden Party a few days before and the carefree evening afterward, spinning the propeller on the homeowner’s lawn ornament — the ornament being an actual nose section of an airplane. Those Ward Parkway folk are becoming too urban — an airplane’s nosecone would NEVER be allowed as a lawn ornament in Loch Lloyd, much less Lionsgate. But when you get all those singing bald men together in one place, strange things happen.
Speaking of strange things, I got an e-mail from a spy at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, with notice that those Mormons will be telling followers to vote no on California’s gay marriage initiative in November. Considering the fact that they worship some desert-rat Jesus, I am actually pleased that they’ve joined the True Christian alliance and oppose gay marriage, the destruction of a union of one man and one woman.
As Lurline kept pounding with her shoe’s heel on the bullet-proof glass of her sunroom (living next to a golf course that doesn’t have an AA chapter can be dangerous), I jotted down a few reasons that gay marriage will destroy our society. I’m sharing them with you along with this column. (As you know, I was ordered to write for this trashy rag by a liberal judge after my unfortunate DUI conviction.) Look over there to the right to read my list.
One reason that the gays will destroy the straights is that the gay boys are much, much cuter than the lumpy, hairy things we call straight men. A few photos snapped from my iPhone show why I enjoy the gay culture. I don’t agree with you all on everything, but we all agree that little Charles was the favorite boy-toy of the night.
As I awoke from my daydream about propellers, Mormons and muscles, I heard Lurline yelling at the golfers. I guess the two men had suddenly arrived, quickly kissed the ladies, and then sat down together in the front seat.
And then THEY held hands.
How Gay Marriage Will Destroy Society As We Know It
1. It will lead to higher divorce rates as Republican men
discover a new tax loophole.
2. Men and monkeys will marry.
3. Polygamists, incestuous couples and bestialitists will have perverted Pride Events every June.
4. Gay couples will build secret underground caverns in their backyards and sexually abuse their children for years and years.
5. The voters have spoken: Gays shall not marry. The voters know best, and they shall be obeyed (regardless of all those pro-slavery votes over the years).
6. Marriage’s primary function is for procreation, and
homosexual unions, which don’t produce children, are not normal. Marriages of infertile heterosexual couples are
somehow different. I can’t tell you how, but it’s just so.
7. It means more wedding presents to purchase. With
budgets stretched to the limit, sinners, one less wedding gift to purchase would be music to my ears.
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. This satirical column is meant in jest and non-thought-provoking fun! Francine’s opinions are her own, and they do not necessarily reflect those of Camp or anyone connected to Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her at francine@askfrancine.com.
2023 Reserva de la Familia Limited Edition Terceerunquinto
On January 10, 2023, Reserva de la Familia, Jose Cuervo’s ultra-premium collection of artisanal small-batch tequilas and Mexico’s crown jewel, announced its 2023 collector’s box, designed by artists Rolando Flores and Gabriel Cázares of the Mexico-based Tercerunquinto Collective. The piece of custom art, titled “Structuring a Landscape”, features a geometric abstraction of the landscape of Tequila, Mexico and will adorn the 2023 limited-release collector’s box of Reserva de la Familia Extra Añejo.
Since 1995, Jose Cuervo has worked with internationally recognized artists with roots in Mexico to design the box artwork for Reserva de la Familia Extra Añejo. Each box is an authentic collector’s item, with a limited quantity produced annually before a new artist is chosen. Previous artists include Gonzalo Lebrija, Pedro Friedeberg, Carlos Aguirre, Ricardo Pinto and many more. Every artist is selected by a team of art curators including 11th generation Cuervo family member and CEO of Jose Cuervo, Juan Domingo Beckmann, Executive Director of El Museo del Barrio in New York City, Patrick Charpenel and founder of Zona Maco, Mexico’s number one art fair, Zélika García.
The Tercerunquinto Collective were selected as this year’s artist collaborators due to their meticulous art process that involves heavy field research. To create this year’s box, the Collective first visited Tequila, Mexico – the birthplace of the iconic spirit and home to Jose Cuervo – to understand the most recognizable parts of the agave landscape. The artists then abstracted the landscape using geometric patterns, creating a loose interpretation of the colors and shapes that make up the agave fields. The presenting design invokes the brightness of the volcanic obsidian and roughness of the rock from Tequila’s volcano and the gentle texture of the skin of the agave plant in three distinct layers.
The artwork also pays homage to Reserva de la Familia Extra Añejo, the award-winning pinnacle of the Cuervo portfolio. “Reserva de la Familia is the jewel of Jose Cuervo’s brands. It’s the first Extra Añejo tequila in the world,” says Alex Coronado, Jose Cuervo’s Master Distiller. “Reserva de la Familia has always been part of the family reserve to celebrate special occasions. When the company celebrated 200 years in 1995, we decided to share it with the world.”
Every step in creating the tequila is done with meticulous care following an artisanal distillation process handed down over generations. Its layered, complex taste is the result of an elaborate aging process in new American and French oak barrels using only the most flavorful inner portions of the agave plant. The result is a tequila with a complex mix of flavors, a rich bouquet and an ultra-smooth finish.
The artisanal qualities are also present in the tequila’s unique bottle and packaging, all done by hand. The tequila is bottled in hand-blown glass, with each label individually adhered to the bottle before being dipped in wax and embellished with the Cuervo family crest. Every bottle is then hand-signed, numbered and dated - further demonstrating that every bottle produced as part of this limited release is truly one of a kind.
The 2023 artist-designed box is now available for purchase at specialty retailers throughout the United States or online at Reserve Bar at an SRP of $185. To learn more about Reserva de la Familia please visit www.cuervo.com/products/reserva-de-la-familia.
ABOUT JOSE CUERVO: Jose Cuervo is a Mexican family-owned brand since 1795 and the largest producer of tequila throughout Mexico and around the world. Utilizing craftsmanship handed down through 11 generations of the Cuervo family, the Jose Cuervo® portfolio of tequilas includes Jose Cuervo® Especial, the world’s best-selling tequila, Jose Cuervo Tradicional, the original 100% agave tequila, Jose Cuervo Reserva de la Familia, Jose Cuervo Golden Margarita, Authentic Jose Cuervo Margaritas®, Jose Cuervo Margarita Mix and Playamar, a tequila-based hard seltzer. For more information, visit www.cuervo.com.
Jose Cuervo Tequila. 40% Alc./Vol. (80 proof). Trademarks owned by Becle, S.A.B. de C.V. ©2023 Proximo, Jersey City, NJ. Please drink responsibly.
Velvet Ibiza
Every year, Ibiza is home to Europe’s very epic queer woman’s party, Velvet Ibiza, which is celebrating its 7th anniversary and promises to be next level. Velvet Ibiza is an all-inclusive 5-day and 5-night party and includes transportation from the airport, a bungalow, 3 meals, and activities and parties day and night, and drinks until around 10:30 pm.
This year, international crowds of LGBTQ+ women will be attending Velvet Ibiza on May 2 - 7 to celebrate life, belonging, and freedom. Event organizers have rented an entire resort in order to build a community vibe and allow queer women to connect so there’s no reason to go anywhere unless of course, you want to go shopping, head to the beach, or explore the island.
Creator and Producer
Carine De Mesmaker created Velvet Ibiza in 2015 and has produced it ever since. She is also the mastermind behind Velvet Sixty Nine, the woman’s party in Brussels founded in 2010. Carine has been putting on parties in bars and clubs since the early 80s and owned her own club, Gate, from 1999 to 2004. Her goal is to create a safe space for queer women and to throw amazing parties.
Where to Stay
Velvet Ibiza pool partyPhoto courtesy of Velvet Ibiza
The host hotel is Cala Martina located in the historical Hippie Market, where you can find all things hippie. Hippie Market was founded in 1973 and is the largest and oldest market on the island. Cala Martina is arranged in bungalow-style houses with pine trees and natural landscapes. The pool is situated on the edge of a cliff with amazing views. The demand is so great that a second hotel was reserved. Paraiso Beach is a 4-star boutique hotel next to the host hotel and is only a short walk to all the events. There are five floors with views of the swimming pool or the forest.
For more information and how to book, visit Velvet Ibiza
The Event’s DJ Line Up and Program
Tuesday May 2, 2023
15:00 Welcome at the pool DJ TBC
17:00 Pool DJ Boogshe
18:30 Dinner
21:00 Pool I’m Single & Ready to Mingle (speed dating)
21:00 Pool DJ SharaOpening Party
23:00 Club DJ NOMNY (B)
01:00 Club DJ Quivr
Wednesday May 3, 2023
Hippy Market from 08:00 to 18:00
10:00 Excursion 1
11:00 Yoga with Marta
15:00 Pool DJ Mia Wallas
17:00 Pool DJ NOMY
18:30 Dinner
21:00 Pool Message Party DJ Boogshe
Club Message Party
23:00 Club DJ TBD
01:00 Club DJ TBD
Thursday May 4, 2023
10:00 Excursion 2
11:00 Yoga with Marta
15:00 Pool DJ Mia Wallas
15:00 Pool Waterpolo
16:00 Wedding chappel
17:00 Pool DJ Quivr
18:30 Dinner
21:00 Pool DJ TBC STUDIO 69 (Disco)
CLUB Studio 69 PARTY
23:00 Club DJ TBD
01:00 Club DJ TBD
Friday May 5, 2023
10:00 Excursion 3
11:00 Yoga with Marta
15:00 Pool DJ Mia Wallas
15:00 Beach Volley
16:00 Pool Waterpolo
17:00 Pool DJ TBD
18:30 Dinner
21:00 Pool Jungle Party DJ TBD
CLUB Jungle PARTY
23:00 Club DJ SAHRA
01:00 Club DJ NOMY
Saturday May 6, 2023
11:00 Yoga with Marta
15:00 Pool DJ TBD
17:00 Pool DJ TBD
18:00 The famous duck race
18:15 Photo Moment
18:30 Dinner
21:00 Pool DJ Jennifer Cooke
CLOSING PARTY
23:00 Club DJ TBD
01:00 Club DJ’s QUIVR/Sahra Back to Back
Financial Planning for the LGBTQ+ community
The new year has arrived. For many people, that means making resolutions and thinking of ways they can do better in the coming year and beyond. Money management and financial planning are often very popular resolutions and goals, but most financial advice tends to be aimed at heterosexual couples who want to grow their family and raise children.
But, what if your life goals are different? What if you don’t receive the same protection under the current laws as hetero couples?
What if you don’t want to have kids?
Financial planning is a great way to start your year on the right foot, but if you’re a part of the queer and childfree, you might need to make a few more adjustments than your hetero friends.
Let’s take a look at some strategies you can use in the new year to get your finances in order in a way that fits your lifestyle.
The Challenges You Might Face
Facing your challenges
Photo by x ) on Unsplash
Depending on where you live, there might be certain legal protections and benefits in place that can help you with financial planning. However, not all states offer those protections, which can do more harm than good and create a few challenges for you as you plan for your financial future.
For example, if you’re not legally married, you aren’t eligible for things like inheritance laws and social security benefits. No matter how long you’ve been with your partner, it’s required by law that you be married to receive those protections. Furthermore, many states have not yet established anti-discrimination laws. This means that, depending on your location, you might not have protection against things like:
- Housing costs
- Access to credit
- Healthcare access
Putting a strong, legal-approached financial plan in place now will not only help to prepare you for the future but will give you a better idea of the challenges you might have to face as you get older. It’s often worthwhile to find a financial advisor who specializes in working with LGBTQIA+ individuals and couples. They’ll be able to help you make smart decisions with your money and keep you up-to-date with the laws and protections in your state.
A financial advisor can also help with roadblocks you might face if you’re on a budget and need money quickly. For example, pulling money out of a retirement account early generally isn’t a good idea. If you make early withdrawals, a 10% early distribution tax is added. However, if you have a permanent disability, qualifying medical costs, or need financial assistance with caregiving, you may be able to draw from it early without penalty. A financial advisor can point you in the right direction and protect you from penalties.
Making Investment Purchases
While you may have more disposable income without children to provide for, it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do your due diligence when making larger purchases. These larger, investment purchases may not always follow the same trajectory as traditional, heteronormative purchases do — e.g., weddings, big houses, and then family-sized vans. Of course, you can choose to follow this trajectory or stray from this path according to your specific lifestyle. In any case, you want to watch out for discrimination when making any big purchases. Make sure to vet the company you are working with. Look at reviews and ask around in the community. Also, do your research on protections against discrimination.
For example, find out what U.S. laws protect LGBTQIA+ homebuyers. Anti-discrimination laws can only build on federal housing laws, so check your state for extra protections. When buying a car, make sure you don’t fall victim to scammy sales tactics. Even though LGBTQ+ credit discrimination is illegal, there are still systemic issues that cause credit issuers — including car dealerships — to have misconceptions about the community. It’s best to remain vigilant just in case.
For instance, you may have just one income to rely on and are in the market for a used car. When purchasing a used car, ask smart questions to avoid financial mistakes. Consider asking the car salesperson:
- What is the vehicle’s history — including service records, wrecks, or even reported theft of the vehicle?
- Are there any previous or current problems you have noticed with the vehicle?
- What services were done to prepare the car for sale?
- What is included with the car — including any preinstalled upgrades, warranties, or the number of keys on hand?
- What is the policy to return a car after purchase?
These questions may seem invasive, but they are actually investigative and, often, necessary. Avoid covert discrimination in the form of “pulling the wool over your eyes” because you are unfairly perceived as uninformed at the car dealership — come prepared. This goes for any costly purchase, so do your research and prepare for any curveballs that come your way.
Starting Fresh Financial Habits in the New Year
No matter the challenges you face — either legally or personally — one of the best ways to boost your financial wellness in the new year is to create healthier habits. Create a budget for yourself that allows you to live the lifestyle you want while preparing for the future. Maybe you’re thinking about having children someday and want to start saving now. Maybe you know that parenthood isn’t for you but you want a comfortable retirement. Some of the best ways to save, even when you’re on a tight budget, include:
- Cutting down on excessive expenses
- Finding a side gig
- Asking for a raise at work
- Chipping away at debt
- Eating at home more often
- Adjusting your paycheck withholdings.
It’s never too soon to start planning and preparing for the future — whether you live alone, with roommates, with a partner, or with a spouse. Keep these tips in mind to overcome financial hurdles and make the most of your financial vision, this year and beyond.