Ask Francine - Evil Satan's Slumber: Sleep with Pets
September in Kansas City's suburbs will be hideous. The noisy children in my neighborhood will be returning home weekends after being unceremoniously dumped by their baby-sitters: The Plaza, Power and Light, Westport, and Zona Rosa. I loved having quiet and serene weekends in my neighborhood. Now that their parents will be responsible for their well-being, I dread all the underage funerals I’ll be attending. One thing I’ll give you LGBT parents: you are overprotective. If a gallon of milk stays on your kitchen counter overnight in 100° heat, you throw it away. This doesn’t happen in heterosexual Christian suburbia, I’m sorry to say. You queers keep your kids out of traffic, stay home at night, watch television together. No wonder so many straight people don’t consider you normal parents!
With the curfew children back in my neighborhood, I’ve noticed that their pets are also creating havoc, cavorting with them. Don’t get me wrong...I think cats and dogs are wonderful, even I have a little teacup poodle that I keep in a drawer next to the dishwasher. Pets are adorable, little hairy creatures.
But one thing I’ve never understood about you LGBT folks is letting your animals sleep in your bed with you. According to a survey, nearly one-half of dogs sleep in their owner’s beds, and nearly two-thirds of cats do. Most of the dogs sleep with the lesbians, the cats...well, who knows? I can’t figure out who sleeps with who anymore. And my pal, Rick Santorum, says that you’ll be marrying dogs soon. I can’t disagree, for you’re already sleeping with them.
The thought of an animal rubbing its dirty fur against my 100% silk nightgown gives me shivers. Not the kind of shivers I get when I think of the Pope and his little magenta-hued boy-toy, Bishop Robert Finn, kissing children. But we won’t go there today. Let’s leave that for the criminal courts.
Let’s talk about disease. Pets can give you zoonoses, which are diseases spread from animals to humans. Stuff like plague from fleas, parasitic worms, and bacterial infections resistant to antibiotics. Children are nasty, and I totally understand dumping them miles from home on weekends, but animals can kill you. That’s why I am suggesting you kill them before they can kill you. For me, the guilt only comes when I dig a hole in the backyard (yard lights off, of course, so the neighbors can’t see) to bury the little vermin who chewed up my Louis Vuitton pumps. If you don’t bury them at night and in dirt, there’s no guilt.
I have all my dead pets freeze-dried. Photos below show pets that have eternal life in lifelike poses—you pose them in chairs or on the floor like little cannibal Barbie dolls.
What would Jesus do? He wouldn’t let a dog sleep with him. It’s unnatural. The Bible told me so.
Sinners Allowed Into the Military with Repeal of
Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell
It’s a sad day for America. With President Obama allowing the Gays and Lesbians into the military, our Nation will soon turn into a den of sin. No straight soldier will take a shower with the Gays anymore. We’ll be the stinkiest armed forces in the world, if you ask me.
I plead, I beg you to stay away from this event on the DADT repeal day of Tuesday, September 20th. Chain yourself to your bed, open your Bible, and pray to our God that the world won’t end.
Do not celebrate the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell at this place:
Sept. 20, 2011
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked.