Ask Francine - And for all this, I am not thankful
But I am thankful that I am a published author. A highly paid spokeswoman for Mary Kay Cosmetics. An attractive woman who doesn’t look like a cougar (but is). And lastly, I’m thankful that I am Kansas City’s best Christian.
I’ve been thinking and praying about this Thanksgiving column for over two weeks and still can’t believe that I’m being forced by the court to write this stupid thing as penance for a minor DWI two years ago. Although I’m thankful that the judge was a Republican, I’m horrified that I still have to whip out my laptop and pen these words each month for a homosexual newspaper. I am thankful that in two years, the Lord Jesus will appear and carry me away from this life of anguish where I shall live in paradise, walk on streets made of gold, and not have to worry about running into a gay acquaintance while entertaining my wonderful, straight conservative friends. How do you tell people that you know queers? How embarrassing! Hurry, 2012, where art thou?
So, truthfully, I’m not thankful for much this year. If I am thankful, it’s for a few things, which I’ve listed below.
I’m Thankful for San Antonio Catholics!
Queer Catholics, for the last 15 years, have had their own LGBT Mass at St. Ann Catholic Church in San Antonio, Texas. The liberal priests there thought that it would bring everyone closer together.
Thank God the auxiliary Bishop Oscar Cantu told the homos to kiss their Mass goodbye and go to hell for their sinful ways, for as a group they made Jesus weep and could simply not be tolerated. Hello, Kansas City? Bishop Robert Finn, get some backbone and follow his lead! Homosexuals should not be Catholics. They shouldn’t be anything! They have no souls, and having these people in church, in Mass, means they’re taking up space that could be used for families of men and women. C’mon, folks … isn’t this great news? I’m thankful the Pope and his little elves, the bishops, are finally exterminating the vermin of the church.
I have tears in my eyes. Tears of gratitude.
I’m Thankful We Didn’t Have YouTube When I Was in High School
If we had social media back in the ’70s and ’80s, there would have been a lot more homos and lesbos polluting the world today. Pervs like my fellow classmates Bill and Teresa, who killed themselves. Hey, don’t give me that look of judgment. I didn’t make them choose their lifestyle. They chose it -- just as one chose to shoot himself in the mouth and the other chose to take an overdose of her mother’s painkillers.
Troublemakers like Obama and Hillary and “Glee” and the godless souls performing on Broadway put up their YouTube videos telling kids that it’s OK to be gay. It’s NOT OK to be gay. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have anyone to hate!
We are so lucky that nobody in the city councils of Kansas City, Mo.; Overland Park; Lenexa; Lee’s Summit or Kansas City, Kan., spoke up the way Fort Worth City Council member Joel Burns did in October, telling LGBT kids not to kill themselves because they were bullied or because they were different. Thank God for the uncompassionate straights.
If the majority truly ruled, we would still have slavery, and we would still be able to imprison queers. How I miss those golden, bygone days.
I’m Thankful That the Courts Blocked the Homosexual Agenda
Three judges for the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals put a temporary stay on an injunction that had halted enforcement of the military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. Obama sucked the teat of the LGBT community two years ago, telling them he was going to get rid of this policy, and now that he has a chance, he tells us that he wants Congress to do it.
Way to go, Mr. President! This was the first truly manly act that you’ve done in the Oval Office, and we expect the same thing when you strike down Prop 8 in California.
Please, Mr. President, get down on your knees, renounce your Muslim heritage, find your birth certificate, and officially make marriage the sacred act between a man and a woman. I may even vote for you (not likely, but I’ll lead you on, just like you’ve led on the LGBT community to get their vote). I’ve never been so proud of a Democrat as I am of you right now. I am not thankful for you, but am tolerating you, which is more than I’ve ever done for a Democrat in office. To the rest of you, have a Thanksgiving. Nothing happy about it, if you ask me.
Francine offers here slightly screwed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area's LGBT community in each issue of Camp. And since you're asking, yes, she's a fictional character. Well, you asked.