Ugh. Black people, am I right? I mean, I don’t want to be black but, if that’s what they want to do, I guess it’s okay with me, just as long as they aren’t overtly black. Why do they have to rub it in our faces, though? And as a business owner, if I don’t want them in my business, I should be able to turn them away! The Bible says very clearly God wants segregation. If black people have kids, do they have to go to the same private schools as my kids?! Can’t they just make their own schools? I just don’t want my kids growing up thinking it’s normal or okay to be black.
Obviously, in the above paragraph, if you exchange black for gay, it’s the same stuff we’ve heard forever, but now it’s so obviously insane! Anytime you are mistreated because of something you have no control over, it can be infuriating. We’ve shared the crap end of it forever in the South. WHICH is why it sets off napalm in my brain when I see us fighting amongst ourselves.
Oh! You don't like lesbians? Soooooo, are you sexist or just a self-hating idiot? It’s one of the two or both. But it seems it’s easier to illustrate my point with race and religion, so for you members of the LGBT community who still think it’s a good idea to stick with only your own consonant, to the detriment of all others, this is me pointing out that you’re a self-righteous moron. Enjoy. Also, if you’re one of those who does nothing to help out in our community, I’m going in on you, too. All tea, all shade.
OMG, you guys! There’s like this massive flood coming, and we’re all totes gonna drown if we don’t build a GIANT boat! I definitely don't want to drown, and I’m gonna help with boat building as soon as I’m done talking to this guy I met on the BibleR app. When, I say help build the boat, I mean I’ll be open about how much I enjoy carpentry and that I’ve known my whole life I was a carpenter. Most of the work is nearly done, anyway, so it’s just a matter of time ‘til we’re all chillin’ on the boat. I really hope they don’t put me next to ugly people on the cruise, though. I know we’re all on the same boat, but I’m young and pretty. I don’t wanna sit with them.
OMG, you guys! Someone totes came and drilled holes in our boat (sad emoji)! People need to know what an outrage this is! I’m gonna tell social media how upsetting this whole thing is for me. I’m not gonna bother to call or write my local representative, go to the state capital, or even vote, but I WILL post pictures and memes on social media that show my outrage. Besides, the StoneWall Shipwright’s have it covered, right? Maybe I could join a fun club that’s just for people who erect masts! When people think boat building, they think of erect masts! So, my group’s done more for boat building visibility. I don’t feel like hanging out with people who make hulls or rearrange the rigging, ‘cause we don't have much in common.
See, don’t you want to just throw that guy overboard? Look, it’s great that we have allies, but within our own community we should support each other. If someone has to explain that to you, you might be too stupid to function. When it comes to LGBT, especially in the south and specifically here in Nashville, we have to adjust our thinking and see each other as family, not distant strangers. Gay issues are your issues, whether or not you’re a gay man or not, and the same goes for bisexuals, lesbians and transgender people. There aren’t enough of us that we can we just retreat into our own group.
Yes, when the worst stuff happens, we can band together, but it shouldn’t take that. We are the freaks, geeks, weirdoes, and outcasts. And honey, together we’ve made being losers look fabulous! In short, just because it isn’t your specific freak flag that’s being flown, that doesn’t mean you should be indifferent about it running up a pole. In this month’s column, I’m one genital innuendo away from a free lesbian. Now where did I put that punch card?