Dear Hersband and Wife,

I was "straight," married at 18 and stayed that way for five years, had one daughter. Then I left him, felt I was attracted to women; he was a great man; he stood by me, and while I lived and dated my girlfriend, we had family vacations together, and celebrated all our holidays together. Me, my ex, my current g/f and my daughter.

Then I broke up with her after seven years (seven year itch?).

I stayed celibate for seven or so years. Then I met a man, we fell in love, he knew of my sexuality. But he pursued me anyway, and on our first night together, I made no guarantees that it might not work out, as I might find it "not suitable" for me.

I've come to the conclusion that I just fall in "love" with people, despite their gender, not because of their gender, does that make me bisexual? My daughter (who's 17 and a proud bisexual) says it does. She is currently with a boyfriend, and thinks this is the one, but admits she could have easily have brought home a girl.

The funny thing is, it was easier for me to come out as a "lesbian" than as a "bisexual."

Why So Hard?

Dear Why So Hard,

Well the answer to this one is easy. If it is being straight or gay you can explain. "I was straight or so I thought, but after five years of marriage my desire for women was very strong." "I had to go with my desire."

Ok, your friends and family can buy that one. You were young and scared, blah, blah blah...... Now you break up with the lesbian and are celibate for seven years. That can easily be explained. "I was so devastated. I left my marriage to a great man for this woman and we broke up, so, I wanted to just chill out for a while and work on me." Again, no need for an explanation. Now it gets sticky.

You meet a man, fall in love and go with him. "What!!!!" "You gave up the great guy for a woman and now another guy?" "Hey, what the heck?" "Ok, Lucy, you got some esplainin' to do" Boy, do you ever.

Well how can you do both? So now you have to tell too much. But that is the plight of the open bi person. How can you do both? Your answer should just be.....I can. And that's it. The absolute people on either side of this spectrum will never understand. But you are the very people that can help the gay and straight society. Because we need to understand that for you it is not the sexuality it is the person. It is simply loving another human being. It does not matter male or female just who you happen to love. Some of the bi people in that broad middle spectrum can even love both sexes at the same time. Your spouses may even know that is how you are. Understand and love you enough to support you on how you feel.

So my advice is to just love who you love. Be honest about it and don't worry what others think. As I always say, if you make it a non issue and go about your life everyone around you that matters will see how happy you are and go on with their own lives.

This is just good butch perspectives.


Dear Why So Hard,

I can tell you from being in the beginning of your situation that I understand why it was very easy to come out as a lesbian but now not so easy to come out as "possible bisexual?" Because most people don't deal well with indecision, or what even appears to be indecision. It is not so much your sexuality that people will have problem with as much as it is the appearance of being "wishy washy."

This is what most all bisexual people have to deal with because people deal with love on a sexual level and a gender level, not a plain love level. You are right about one thing; love is about the person involved and should have nothing to do with the gender of the person or persons involved. But we as a society have to live in such nice neat little boxes at all times that we cannot fathom not having something that doesn't fit a mold that has already been created by someone else.

It is great that your ex husband is so supportive, this says a lot about the type of person that you are in a relationship. Remember you don't have to justify your life to anyone. All you have to do is live and eventually if you keep living and loving then people will either come around or they wont; you cannot control their perceptions or ideals.

But you have the best position to explain the "love is love" position in life, more so than any gay man or lesbian woman, and you will have to explain it not only to the straight community but also to the gay community because "absolutes" just done understand unless they have befriended some amazing bisexual person like yourself in the past, or a very open minded and accepting person period.

Many debates will be had, make sure you are ready for them and keep them calm, nothing is settled with angry words.

Just my humble opinion as the femme,


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