Thistle Farms was buzzing on a recent Wednesday morning, as dozens of residents, staff, and visitors made their way to ‘the Circle,’ for what many in attendance cherish as the highlight of their week.
Joyous greetings and embraces fill the room as current residents and graduates of the Magdalene Program—all survivors of trafficking, prostitution, and addiction—make their way to the Circle to share their stories.
In the center of the Circle burns the candle that a member of the Thistle Farms community lights each day as a powerful symbol of sanctuary, love, and hope. As we go around the Circle, several women gesture toward it and express gratitude that this candle burns for all of their Magdalene sisters, as well as for the women who have not yet found their way here. They offer comfort and encouragement to those who are struggling. They applaud and cheer for those celebrating milestones, like sobriety anniversaries, reunions with families, a new job, or a new home.
Thistle Farms cafe foodPeggy Napier
With the help of the Magdalene program and Thistle Farms, these survivors are recovering and building beautiful lives for themselves. And now they return to the Circle again and again to share their stories and words of wisdom like these with each other:
“I am grateful that God is making a ministry of my mess.”
“I’ve been struggling these last few weeks, but I know my sisters are here and they’re lifting me up.”
“No matter where life takes you, remember that God’s love is there. And love heals.”
Becca Stevens
Many in the Circle express gratitude for each other, for their founder Becca Stevens, and their CEO, Hal Cato. One resident closed her remarks saying, “We all know how much Hal has done for Thistle Farms, but I want to say that nobody has ever fought so hard for me personally as Hal Cato has.”
Cato says it’s a privilege to serve these women in this way. “Earning the trust and respect of women who have only known men who were there to buy, sell, or abuse them is a tremendous honor,” says Cato. “I don’t take it for granted for a single moment. I think my leadership mantra has served me well in this regard: people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
Thistle Farms - Magdalene Graduation 2016: What Freedom Looks Like youtu.be
Thistle Farms was founded in 2001, and by the time Cato took the reigns as CEO in September 2015, the organization had expanded to the point it was limited by its space. Cato led major changes that would enable Thistle Farms to attract a growing customer base and continue to thrive.
By 2017, they had completed the beautiful renovation of the Café, they had moved into a huge facility that allows them to scale production of their bath and body products, and they re-branded those products with a new ‘upscale’ look to reflect their uncompromising quality. And all those changes have been worth it, as Thistle Farms continues to grow.
Cato says, “I believe mission only gets a social enterprise so far. Quality products and/or a great experience have to be immediately in step behind it. If you combine the two together, there is no limit to what is possible. That was my goal—create a product and an environment where mission and quality were equally and beautifully yoked together. Sales have doubled since then and net income has improved 700%. And I know we’re just getting started.”
Cato is beyond passionate about the mission of the Magdalene program, and to support that mission he must run Thistle Farms as he would run any business. As such, he knew that joining the Nashville LGBT Chamber of Commerce would introduce Thistle Farms to a network of potential vendors and customers it needed to continue growing and serving those amazing women.
Thistle Farms recently hosted the August Brewing up Business at the Café. Cato values their membership in the Nashville LGBT Chamber, and also wants his business to support its mission. He says, “This community has been good to us over the years and we want to give back and be of equal service to it. We love the direction the LGBT Chamber is taking and appreciate how many of its members meet up here for coffee and lunch!”
The Café is the perfect spot for our Chamber members to enjoy breakfast, lunch, or their impressive afternoon tea service. You will not find a friendlier or more eager staff! These women are grateful to be working, love their co-workers, and are incredibly proud of Thistle Farms. And the food is fantastic!
Just off the Café is the Thistle Farms store front where customers can browse their bath, body and home products, as well as jewelry and accessories made by women recovering in Thistle Farms sister programs around the world. Thistle Farms uses natural, high quality ingredients in making their bath and body products such as hand soap and lotion, lip balm, body butter, shaving cream. They all feel and smell amazing! Using these products doesn’t just feel like supporting a social enterprise; it feels like self-indulgence.
They also offer home products such as essential oils and their hand-poured soy candles like the one that burns in the middle of the Circle. Cato reminds us that “The holiday season will be here before we know it. Every 50 candles we sell employs a survivor for a week. Remember our gift shop when you’re making your holiday list. You’re giving more than a gift…you’re giving a woman a second chance at the same time.”
The women of Magdalene who are given that second chance take every opportunity to give back to their community as an expression of love and gratitude. That commitment is evident everywhere we look on the morning of our visit to Thistle Farms.
Rachel Goldzweig, a 2017 graduate of the program, stopped by the Café to meet a friend for coffee. Every few minutes, another staff member ran over and offers Goldzweig a warm embrace and welcome ‘home.’ Goldzweig was excited to share the news that she had just joined the Board of Thistle Farms and attended her first meeting the night before.
Nearby, Shelia McClain, the Director of Education and Outreach at Thistle Farms, led the group tour of the facility. "I've never done this before," she announced. "I'm filling in for the amazing tour guide, who is on vacation." And, of course, the tour was wonderful, closing with the confident, hopeful phrase we often hear within this beautiful community, "We are more than our story."
To shop for Thistle Farms products, plan your next event at The Café, or inquire about volunteer opportunities or your place in the Circle, visit thistlefarms.org.
Bisexuality
Rarely are the words, “I’m bi,” heard. Whether on TV, film or even from friends and family, it’s almost nonexistent. Coming out as gay is thought to be brave; a pivotal moment in someone’s life. Coming out as bi, however, is often met with rolled eyes, being viewed as a sexual object, and even with the chant, “Bi now, gay later.” Being bisexual isn’t heralded as brave: it is often treated as if it isn’t even a real thing!
Many well-known blogs have used the purple analogy to explain bisexuality. Purple is known as its own color and not half red, half blue. There are even several shades of purple, some with more red or some with more blue. The same exists in bisexuality, where attraction can be fluid. Some can be hetero- or homo-romantic (meaning that when it comes to establishing romantic relationships they are primarily attracted to members of the opposite sex, or same-sex, respectively) but do enjoy physical, sexual contact with someone of different sex than their partner. Some can be polyamorous and even cohabitate with both sexes. And others decide on their romantic and sexual partners freely, a person to person decision based on what about the individual might tickles their fancy.
Understanding bisexuality
Photo by Isi Parente on UnsplashWhile bisexuality, on the surface, should be welcomed as yet another beautiful way of living—loving hearts and not parts, if you will—bisexuality is often viewed in a not so great light or simply swept under the rug by both the straight and broader lesbian and gay communities.
I asked men and women who identify as bisexual to help us take a look at what it means to be a shade of purple in the big world of pink and blue. It should be noted, and of some concern, that most did not want to be identified by full name, or to use a photograph, in order to avoid judgment from one community, the other, or both, or even because of the risk of losing their jobs and family.
Being Bi
Sorting through the responses to our questions on bisexuality, early feelings of attraction for both sexes was a common theme. Most relate it to the same feelings as straight or gay people face. “I’ve known I was bisexual since I was very little,” Emma Frye stated. “I realized I was not attracted solely to one sex as early as I understood attraction. Most people know they’re straight or gay early in life; I was the same with bisexuality”
Some state that they did not recognize their feelings as bisexual, or perhaps did not know there was a name for it, like Lish Rodriquez: “I didn’t know about bisexuality—I just knew that I liked those people. As I grew older and the media picked up more stories about homosexuality and the AIDS/HIV epidemic, it gave me the word ‘bisexual’ to identify with.”
What comes up also, is the difference in fluidity. The majority of respondents were in an opposite-sex marriage and thus present outwardly to the wider world as heterosexual. Out of those people, many refer to themselves as “swingers.” This is a way for them to explore their bisexuality, with or without their spouses’ involvement, while keeping their marriage and families intact.
Taking the “B” out of “LGBT”
Despite its banner of open acceptance, there is a great deal of questioning in the wider lesbian and gay community about the status of the “B,” and just as some have called for the expulsion of the transgender community from LGBT, others are calling for the removal of the “B”.
One Tumblr blog, “Unpopular Opinions,” states, “I think we should take the B out of LGBT. Bisexuals have it way better than most of us in the queer community. They have straight privilege and ride on the coattails of the gay community.”
Turns out, that just as in the transgender community some agree for very different reasons, some bisexuals likewise argue that this just might be a good idea. Recently a YouTuber known as BisexualRealTalk called for the “B” to be taken out of “LGBT.” He concluded that a bisexual looking for support in the LGBT community was ultimately going to have more questions, be left with a greater sense of uncertainty, and come away with a deeper sense of being alone. “Expectation kills,” he says. “The LGBT community is not our friend”
In fact, a major Canadian study published by the San Francisco Human Rights Commission in 2010 called “Bisexual Invisibility: Impacts and Recommendations,” found bisexual men are 6.3 times more likely, and bisexual women 5.9 times more likely, to report having been suicidal than heterosexual people. Bisexuals are also 3-5 times more likely to feel suicidal than gay men and lesbians.
The majority of those we surveyed also felt discrimination from the LGBT community. Rae Schomburg-Hall states, “I receive scorn from most lesbians as they feel I should ‘pick a side’ and I must just need to ‘make up my mind.’” She feels she is seen as “a confused individual. An oversexed person, just looking for fulfillment. Not to be trusted. An interloper. This, coming from a community that heralds inclusion and acceptance is just…just…wrong.”
Views and Perceptions About Bisexuals
Reading through blogs and articles mentioning bisexuality, it doesn’t take long to find the words "greedy," “whore,” or “slut” being heaped upon bisexuals individually or as a group. The belief that bisexuals, regardless of the evidence, aren’t actually, or can’t be, monogamous is another common attitude.
“There are definitely people who think being bisexual means the exact opposite of monogamous, which is kind of hilarious” answers one of our participants. “I think people's sexuality is so personal, and it varies from person to person. Not all of us sleep with everyone, just because we can, although I have had close friends say that I was a whore or a slut because I dated both ‘sides’ from my pool of friends as a young adult.”
R.J. Aquiar, YouTube’s “NotAdam,” has a series he calls “Ask a Bi Guy,” where he addresses many of the perceptions and attempts to use his personal experience to change the attitudes on bisexuality. In response to our questions, he wrote, “There are still so many people out there who can't accept our identity as valid. They're so adamant about sticking to their existing world view, so they'll look for any reason to dismiss us rather than accept this new information that might require them to change their world view. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people, since it's human nature to do that. And it's even more understandable when you look at how much society enforces that gay/straight binary. Most people would, for instance, refer to a male/male or female/female couple as a ‘gay couple’ rather than a ‘same-sex couple’ while a male/female couple is most often referred to as a ‘straight couple’. If you know what to look for, there's bi-erasure all over the place. This can make it really difficult for a bi person to consider coming out since it means having to face all of that adversity head on.”
Men vs Women
Attitudes men versus women concerning bisexuality certainly differ. It is often said that women have it “easier” being bi. The acceptance of a bisexual woman actually involves oversexualizing her. When a woman says she is bi, many men would jump at what they think is a sure-fire way into a threesome. Very rarely is she viewed as a potential monogamous partner.
And if she comes out to a potential same-sex partner? She is often not taken seriously. There is a fear she will want to return to a heterosexual fantasy of husbands, children, and white picket fences in the suburbs. After all, bisexuals are always viewed as having the potential for passing in straight society as an option. One lesbian told us “I’m scared I’ll be hurt by bisexual women, so I won’t mess with them at all”.
Bisexual men do face a different demon, and because of it, very few men will ever come out as bi. Cooper S Beckett—author of “My Life on the Swingset” and “A Life Less Monogamous”—offers personal insight on this. There is “the immediate assumption that I was gay and kidding myself. I've been told it was a phase as well. Straight men don't like bi men, because they're afraid of another man coming along and treating them the way they've traditionally treated women, as someone you could cajole into doing something. They're worried about being cajoled into ‘gay sex.’ I've been told to my face by a gay man that I'm not bi, I'm just on the road to gay town. It's shocking and sad. But I think acceptance is growing.”
Finding a Tribe
There are plenty of online communities to join. Binetusa.org and shybi.com are places to discuss the unique challenges and obstacles bisexuals face. Bisexual.org has a fantastic library of articles, and discussions, and even lists famous people you might not have known were bi. In your local community, look at meetup.org to find bisexual or bisexual friendly meet-ups.
It is much easier to research within the bisexual community than to look in the LGBT community. It is most important to fight for your rights and support others who are questioning or longing for understanding.
“A lot of LGBT experts call bi people ‘the silent majority', since there are likely a lot more bi people out there who would rather hide than come out and deal with all the stigma,” Aguair writes. “Unfortunately, the only way we can change that is for more bi people to live their lives openly, and demonstrate firsthand how much it doesn't have to be that big a deal. It also illustrates how important it is for bi, pan, and other sexually fluid people to come together and form a community to support one another”
Pam Simmons, who has struggled with her bisexual identity for many years, wrote, "The best advice I could give is to find someone you trust and share what you are feeling, how it is affecting you, your fears & doubts. The journey to identifying as bisexual may be a lifelong process. But that’s ok. You define you…. Nobody else. Be true to yourself. And most of all, love yourself.”