If I hadn’t read it myself in The Scene, I would have thought I was hearing a joke on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno poking fun at us backward hicks, but it was indeed true. Two Tennessee Legislators introduced a bill to ban sex toys. The bill sought to make it illegal to sell, advertise, publish or exhibit to another person “any three-dimensional device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs….” After being introduced, it actually passed a first reading before being withdrawn in early March.

I can just see State Senator Charlotte Burke and Representative Eric Swafford strategizing over lunch at Capitol Grille - or rather, Hoss Hogs - and coming up with this important piece of legislation:

“Well, I reckon we need to talk some ‘bout what needs to be done in this here state. We got lots of problems. We got a big meth problem. And then there’s the fact that Tennessee is the nation’s ninth poorest state and the ninth fattest. We damn well lead the nation in per capita bankruptcy filings, and 41 percent of our children are poor, and one in every five is hungry. Well shucks. Tennessee is ranked as the 41st dumbest state. Does that mean out of all 50 states we are almost the dumbest? Well, shucks. And they say Tennessee is the sixth most dangerous state to live in even. But I’m telling you, we got to do something about these sex toys! This is what is making this state a bad place ya’ll!”

Besides stupidity, apparently only the penis rules in these two minds, who wish to intrude into other people’s private matters because, well, they probably heard a divine call to save Tennessee from such awful perversion.

Praise the missionary style I tell you! Could you imagine being in a relationship with either of these two Victorians? Yawn.

If the bill had passed, a time would have surely come when you would have been awakened in the middle of the night by pounding on your door: “Open Up! Dildo Police!” Peeking through the blinds, you’d see their official vehicle: a rip off of the Oscar Meyer Weiner car. In a frenzy, you’d run around frantically trying to hide the last vestiges of fun in the police state in which you have come to find yourself.

Perhaps the legislators seek to deny pleasure to women because they probably couldn’t get away with enacting female genital mutilation such as in Africa . What’s next, you two? Outlawing cucumbers and zucchinis after sex toys are banned?

The real dildos in this debacle are Burke and Swafford, who waste precious time and resources in senseless legislation while our state hungers for betterment in dozens of areas. While they try to project guilt and shame onto others, the real shame is on them and their pathetic political careers.