Dear Adoring Fans:

We would like to introduce ourselves. We have observed a glut of personal and social problems in the community that must be addressed in a professional, yet sympathetic manner. Since our friends and acquaintances often bring both their silly and their serious problems to our mature intellects (due to our uncanny abilities to reach well-reasoned solutions to each problem), we thought it only fair to bring our expertise to the masses. Letters can be written to Bathilda and boingo at:

- With loving concern for all, Bathilda and boingo

Dear Bathilda and boingo: My husband of 23 years has recently taken up swing dancing as a hobby. He seems to have a much better attitude and is more adventurous in the bedroom. He keeps asking me to go to a bar called Balanca?s to join him for swing-dancing lessons, but I have never been much of a dancer. Should I cut a rug with him or not - Two Left Feet

Dearest My Left Foot: Seems to me that the last time we were in Balanca's they definitely had swingers, but we didn't see any dancing. Bathilda drinks better than she dances, but boingo says to "dance with the stars," but play safe. Jump right in with both feet, but always wear socks. Suck it up, sissy!

Dear Bathilda and boingo: I have a serious problem that only y'all can help. My boyfriend has been coming home at 5 in the morning and I am not sure what he has been up to. How do I find out what is going on - Perplexed in Paramus

Dear Perplexed: There is one fail-safe way to figure out what is going on. Next time he comes home at 5 in the morning, smell his you-know-what. You will know what is going on based on what you smell. If you smell something fishy (or muddy) then you need to dump him and suck it up, sissy!

Dear Bathilda and boingo: My girlfriend and I have broken up six times in the last four months. She claims that I am jealous, but she is the one who can't keep her boobs in her bra. I know for a fact that she has cheated on me several times because she often comes home with the stench of another woman on her. I love her but can?t stand her cheating ways. What should I do- Revolving Door Relationship

Dear Revolving: Well, at least you are one step ahead of Perplexed in Paramus. Perhaps you should come home with the scent of another woman on your person and see how she likes it (Bathilda may oblige, if you are cute). If that doesn't work, we suggest you find a new girlfriend with tighter bras and a less wandering eye. Then suck it up, sissy.

Dear Bathilda and boingo: I recently returned from a convention in Vegas and my nether regions are quite itchy. I scratch and scratch, to no avail. I have just noticed a crustacean-like creature inhabiting said regions. Should I seek medical attention - Itchy in Independence

Dear Itchy: So much for the saying that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas! Normally we would refer you to a licensed medical professional or your local free clinic, but we are sure from boingo's recent travel experience abroad that we have this one under control. You've got crotch crickets, a.k.a. crabs. Consult your local pharmacist on this matter. He or she can help. Treat your problem and suck it up, sissy!

Dear Bathilda and boingo: I have a very high-strung pussycat. She gets so stressed out over the small stuff. I have recently noticed a change in her behavior. She seems a little laid back, like she has just been to Jamaica or something. I think my brother is getting my pussycat stoned. She seems much more content. Is this safe for her -  Pot Smokin Pussycat Owner

Dear Cat Owner: Is your pussycat happy? Perhaps you should try to be - one with your cat - and experience what she is experiencing. See if that relieves your desire to write letters to people like us. If your cat is happy, suck it up, sissy!

Dear Precious Readers: As we tell our friends and acquaintances when they seek our advice ,we would like to inform you that we are in no way, shape, or form responsible for your actions should you choose to take our advice (nor is Camp). We do not have the money to bail you out of jail for your bad decisions, nor do we intend to bail you out of jail for the stupid stuff you do based on our advice. Any extra funds that we may have are set aside for our own defense funds or tequila. Take our advice or leave it, but suck it up, sissy! ? With loving concern for all, Bathilda and boingo

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