Spiking the punch

We’ve all seen it: vaguebooking, Twitter fights, or ex-friends calling each other out on social media. We’ve been there when someone makes a sideways comment. People pop off at the mouth a lot. It’s too much for my taste, and it’s typically not in a super confrontational way…*usually*.

My ex-mother-in-law is a spoiled, elitist and she has NO verbal filter; she just says awful stuff to people, like they should just know their place. For example, she’s said, “Don’t be overtly gay, people don’t like it. You don’t have to tell them.” For another, she told her adopted 10-year-old grandchild that she wasn’t in the will because she’s “not of blood relation.”

I used to get coffee on Thursday nights with a group of moms, and they would sit around and criticize the parenting of moms who weren’t there. I kid you not, they’d say things like, “I don’t wanna say she doesn’t care about her kids but…” Excuse me, what?!? If you don’t wanna say it, then *don’t*. Obviously, you DO wanna say it, ‘cuz you did.

Now, in the culture I grew up in, if you had an issue with someone, you took it up with them directly, in private and with no one else. If you threw shade at someone in front of others, that was your way of saying, “I’m sure I could handle them punching me and I’m willing to hedge a bet.” Needless to say, arguments and gossip were rare.

In my old neighborhood, if I did half the stuff I see people do on Facebook, I’d be breathing through my toes by now. Some of you may be saying, “Amy, that’s incredibly violent and in poor taste!” And you’d be right! But I’ll tell you this: for what it’s worth, I mind my own business. I don’t fill in what I *don’t* know about another person with hearsay, and gossip. I don’t spread stories I didn’t see with my own eyes, and I don’t give my opinion unless asked.

Having to think, “Am I willing to get punched over this?” before throwing shade really did teach me about accountability and makes me stop and think before I do it. You can’t recall a verbal dagger once it’s been formed and made to fly. So, anything that causes pause before reckless speech, yes, I think is a good thing.

Imagine if these mouth poppers had ever actually been popped in the mouth, just once, for reckless gum flapping? Campfield would’ve gone mute from PTSD just thinking about saying something ignorant. Or how about that homophobic cousin on her fourth marriage sitting there at Christmas dinner talking about how YOUR lifestyle is sinful, but she and her inflated sense of self-importance never met a shmuck they couldn’t turn into a child-support check? And it would be beautiful! Clearly, they’re selfish because they don’t care whom their words hurt, but if their words could possibly get their face hurt, who knows? Maybe they’d consider consequences a bit more.

I wonder if anyone has seriously considered how beneficial face punching could be for peace and tolerance. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Amy, isn’t punching people in the face illegal?” Well, yes, misdemeanor assault in Davidson County carries a $250 fine, and it’s an entire year before it’s off your record. Ain’t nobody got time for that! However, boxing in a gym? It’s totally legal! If you really can’t stand someone, buy them a boxing gym membership as a holiday gift. Then, schedule a time to legally punch them in the face for fitness!

Think of all the good a day at the gym could do for humanity, causing verbal pause for at least one ass-hat in the future. Together, we could start a trend that would clear up bitchy social media posts in our feeds. And everybody gets cardio! Win/win!

Happy Holidays!




O&AN does not endorse physical violence or any other completely insane idea presented by Amy Sulam. Her column is for entertainment only. Seriously, look at this woman: she is a hot damn mess. No one should listen to her! Ever! Not even her own children.

Photo courtesy of Red Bull

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Photo courtesy of Rumble Boxing Gulch Nashville

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