I want to kick things off by saying that the Megan Barry cheating scandal is hella more interesting than this episode of Nashville. And I say this before even watching it.

Things are heating up between Deacon and Jessie, who are grabbing a burger at what appears to be the Elliston Place Soda Shop. Then, they end up making out in the car afterwards and decide it’s time to go all the way. Deacon doesn’t have protection for that erection, so they decide to wait. Anyway, they get a night alone scheduled for the big boink.

Like every act in fake Nashville, Avery, Gunnar and Will’s band is in demand and I guess Bucky is their manager? In fake Nashville, there are apparently only two managers: Glenn and Bucky. Slim pickens for a town that churns out billions of dollars in music. Just saying. CMT, of all places, should know this. Anywho, the new trio is rehearsing and Gunnar thinks the group needs a female voice. So, when they find this talented gal, she and Gunn Gun will start going out. This old song and dance, again, CMT?

Avery is trying to be there for Juliette after her revelation at the cult. Darius seems to think that every choice Juliette has made in her life had to do with the childhood trauma. Avery is more than a bit concerned, ya know, with him being a Juliette decision and all. And can we talk about using the name Darius for the cult leader? It’s too close to home with Darius Rucker, who is a charming, talented, wonderful person. Why couldn’t they have named him Maddie or Juliette? Those seem to be names for truly annoying characters.

So, Jonah (ya know, the Justin Bieber clone dating Maddie) was dating some pop singer, but they broke up. Well, that weird Lorde/Katy Perry combo known as Mia Forster has come out with an incredibly laughable song (that my cat could have written in his potty box) called “You Can’t Have Him” that has lyrics like “Maddie Jay, you’re in the way.” I think brain cells just died by listening to the clip of that song. Anyway, Maddie is upset and I am watching this show instead of my favorite NBA team, who are currently playing.  Instead, I am focusing on another contrived plotline to make a terrible and uninteresting character seem likable. 

After searching all over Nashville, the trio stumble across Gunnar’s future squeeze at a random bar where she is singing. Her name is Alannah and of course, Gunnar really relates to her. And how convenient! Her schedule is open to touring. Anyway, after some thinking, they call and offer her the job.

Of course, Darius is trying to convince Juliette she wouldn’t have the life she had now (becoming a celebrity, wife and mother) if it weren’t for the childhood abuse. Darius claims it explains her narcissism. Perhaps, but alienating her from the life and people she loves is brainwashing at its finest. When do we get to the, disturbing cult stuff? When does Juliette get a bump-it braid hairdo and Little House on the Prairie dress? No such luck. Darius wants her to go work with troubled kids in Bolivia for a few weeks. Being the voice of reason, Avery doesn’t like it. Is it just me or is Avery’s half-beard especially patchy this week?

At the drug store, Deacon is nervous about buying rubbers. Just tell everyone they’re for your little escapades on the side with me, Deacon. I’ll take the fall. Speaking of when Deacon should have used a condom, Maddie is ambushed by a caravan of black SUV’s and Jonah hops out of one. He tries to explain that Mia is crazy and that he and Mia are indeed broken up- and even though they are on a residential street- paparazzi with TV and photo cameras pop up out of nowhere and begin documenting their exchange. This causes Jonah to push one of the photographers before he is shoved back into his caravan and whisked away.

Patchy, Gunnar and Will have their first gig with Alannah at 12th and Porter and Juliette forgot all about it. Then, they start arguing about Juliette being interested in the cult and nothing else. She calls him manipulative and he tries to explain that she has a husband and daughter that need her, too. Avery is going on tour and Juliette wants to go to Bolivia. They have a kid. How inconvenient for wealthy people who can afford top notch childcare. Anyway, in typical Juliette fashion, she walks away.

When Maddie sees the paparazzi video online, Deacon tries to get her to not make Jonah her life. He wants her to have a life that isn’t wrapped up in Bieber fever. But, it looks like Bieber fever brings itself to Maddie when he stops by her house. Jonah tells Maddie he is just as upset as she is about Mia’s song and he is tired of everyone believing rumors and not him. He’s also just tired. He is tired of having to be on all the time, of performing his music, which he says is crap. Wow, he really is the incarnate of the Biebs. He says the only time he feels like himself is when he’s with Maddie. Good, then take her to the other side of the world and never let us hear from either of you again. Cool?

Deacon is nervous about the big bumping uglies night with Jessie and so is she. They start out slow, but once they get going, Deacon turns into a puddle of tears and can’t go through with it. He apologizes and Jessie is her usual, sweet self. She tells him if he wants to talk about Rayna, it’s really okay. Deacon is really moved by the gesture. It’s been 11 months since she died and he still feels her absence deeply and can’t seem to move on completely. Jessie comforts and tells him that’s perfectly fine. They start to talk and he admits his father hit him as a kid. He also says he always secretly wanted a son. She falls asleep in his lap and he whispers he thinks he might be broken.

The guys’ first gig with Alannah is amazing, as expected. So, I guess she is going on tour with this band we don’t have a name for yet. Way to plan ahead Gunnar, Will and Patchy.

Maddie goes to a single release party with Jonah and just when you think he’ll get caught up in the fan adoration, he turns and asks if she wants to get out of there. So, they go to a donut shop and he buys bacon sprinkled donuts for everyone in the place. An actual donut would have certainly made this episode better. Why in the hell doesn’t Krispy Kreme deliver?

Juliette later finds Avery sleeping on the couch and she tells him she needs him more than anything in this world. And like an idiot, he falls for it and, I guess they have the sex Deacon and Jessie couldn’t. The next morning, he wakes up to find her gone. Paint me surprised, ya’ll.

Jessie and Deacon fall asleep together and the next morning, Jessie thinks he is going to break up with her, but instead, he explains he felt close to her and she shouldn’t give up on him.

When Deacon and Maddie both get home the following morning at the same time, doing the walk of shame, Daphne is a bit pissed she spent the evening alone. I wish I got to spend the evening alone. With my basketball game, which, by the way was a nail biter. But, hey, what can be more exciting than Maddie and a poor man’s Justin Bieber donut shopping?

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Beneath Still Waters" (Season 6 Episode 6)

NASHVILLE recap: "Where the Night Goes" (Season 6 Episode 5)

NASHVILLE recap: "That's My Story" (Season 6 Episode 4)