Juliette and Avery’s spawn is named Cadence. At least it’s not Apple or North Korea. Now, a show of hands of who thought Juliette was too selfish to be a mother? Exactly. Now every single person on the planet put your hand down. Juliette is struggling with dealing with the wee one and Avery seems to have the touch. As soon as he needs to leave the house for a press interview with The Chex Mixes (AKA: The Triple Exes), Juliette goes ballistic because he wants to leave her to deal with the offspring on her own. So, okay, I am no multi-million dollar making country artist, but it seems to me a lot of those type of people hire nannies. Just throwing that out there…

Rayna wants Deacon to move in to her place, but Deacon isn’t sure Maddie will be too keen on that idea. She is still butt hurt over Deacon’s cancer and giving him the cold shoulder. Really, Madds. Get over yourself. If she were my kid, she’d be outside building my fire pit until she decided to start treating her father with respect.

Bucky and Rayna are pressuring Layla to find a manager and Creepy (usually known as Jeff) is working on it. Can I please point out how nice it was to NOT have Creepy and Layla on the episode last week? I mean, I didn’t get skeeved out once. Now, we’re back to full on disturbing.

So Layla wants to see if she can get an opening slot on pop star Jade St. John’s tour. Ya know, because opening acts just invite themselves onto headliner’s tours all the time. Wait. I can sing “Strawberry Wine” without hitting very many bad notes. Do you think Lady A will let me open for them?

Jade St. John is played by Xtina! Christina Aguilera herself. And while we’re at it, when did she start dressing like Ann Wilson? I digress. Since creepy knows Jade St. James, Layla wants him to talk to her about being a tour opener.

Scarlett is still pretending to not have feelings for Gunnar while hanging out with Dr. Hottiepants (Caleb). But guess what? He isn’t an idiot, Scarlett. She keeps watching the youtube video of her and Gunn Gunn performing together. And Gunnar can’t stop watching it either, which is annoying Will. But Will has bigger crawfish to boil. He has been working with that hot, gay songwriter, Kevin, for three weeks and their last recording session is coming up. Gunnar urges Will to ask him out.

Daphne is heading out of town for a school function and Rayna wants to take Maddie to the Jade St. John concert Saturday, but Madds makes up some excuse not to go. I am telling you Rayna, my mama would have popped me on my pouty mouth long ago if I acted the way Maddie is acting. When Rayna makes a run up to the school to drop off something for Daphne, she spots Brattie making out with Puke, Junior (Colt.)

At Jade’s concert rehearsal at Bridgestone Arena, Creepy is there and he pulls her aside for a chat. It’s been ten years since they saw one another AND GROSS- he is also her ex-boyfriend. And you had so much promise, Jade! Anyway, she makes a deal with him. Layla can open for her if Creepy introduces her to Puke. I am trying to decide if moving from Creepy to Puke is a downgrade or just a bad life choice.

Emily and Glenn arrive to give Juliette some backup and food. Glenn tells Juliette that the people on the Patsy Cline film wanted her to do a song for the film’s end credits, but he turned it down because she wanted to spend more time with Cricket… errr… Cadence. Furious he said no, she demands he call them back. She says she has the perfect song.

Mayor Teddy has acquired the funding to turn the old cannery next to the river into a community-type project and now that he has the 500 grand to make it happen, they have an official groundbreaking. With those big bucks in Teddy’s greedy hands, he calls the prostitute to tell her he needs to know where to wire it. Ya know, it’s from a shell account and can’t be traced. Well, the hoochie mama is on the verge of irrational paranoia and insists he get her the money in cash.

Jeff finds Puke at the rehearsal hall and tries to talk him into going to the Jade St. John show, but Puke isn’t interested and says her music “isn’t my cup of whiskey.” I could use a cup of whiskey if the dialogue is going to continue down this road. But, while douche Puke is bearing his teeth, he runs into Rayna. Okay, Nashville writers. You cannot keep milking the awkward random meetings between these two. Find another way to make this show interesting. This dead horse is a carcass!! But guess what? Rayna actually has something she wants to talk about.

As Will and Kevin wrap their last session together, Will is trying to find ways to keep him hanging around, putting off actually asking him out. As usual, Will fails miserably and ends up insulting the hot homo.

Rayna tells Puke about spotting Brattie and Colt making out and Puke knows all about it. He tells her they are a couple and Brattie has been hanging out at Puke’s place for the last few weeks visiting Colt. Rayna is surprised by this piece of information and then Puke tells her Colt and Brattie are going to the Jade St. John concert together Saturday.

The Chex Mixes are doing an interview with a website called Pitchfork. Gunnar and Scarlett (who haven’t spoken since their last performance) are underhandedly snipping at one another. Avery takes offense with the reporter calling him Juliette’s baby daddy and then he must sneak away from the interview because he gets an emergency text from his psycho baby mama. And all she wanted was him to write a song with her for the movie. Sheesh. Furious she pulled him out of an important interview, he hangs up.

Pissed that the interviewer only focused on Gunnar and Scarlett, Avery isn’t happy that the reporter wrapped up without talking to him much at all. So, they decide to play a gig for the reporter so he can get the full effect of The Chex Mixes.

Rayna confronts Brattie and instead of just grounding her and making her sit and watch Bill O’Reilly all weekend (which is considered torture in most countries), she tries to reason with her. How many times does Rayna have to go round and round with Maddie before she understands you can’t reason with a spoiled teenager?

Puke meets up with Colt who is leaving lacrosse practice and it looks like he practices at Elmington Park. Anyway, Puke doesn’t think Maddie will be able to go with him to the big concert, so he offers to tag along with his son.

Still furious Avery wouldn’t drop everything and write with her, Juliette calls Deacon to write a song with her. But Deacon doesn’t seem to be trying and the only thing getting accomplished is Juliette’s ability to get ticked off. It’s a disaster waiting to happen because Deacon can’t delve into his inner emotions for songwriting material and he ends up leaving. When he gets back to Rayna’s place, she tells him about Brattie dating Puke, Junior. Deacon thinks she’s acting out to try to deal with his illness. Rayna again tries to talk him into moving in with her and knowing he can’t face what his cancer is doing to Rayna and Maddie, he declines.

Will is back home pouting because he didn’t have the guts to ask out Kevin. Gunnar tells him to invite the hottie to the show The Chex Mixes are putting on for the reporter. And I am feeling completely cheated because I've NEVER had any country act put on a show to prove their talent to me. Someone get Zac Brown on the horn NOW!

Creepy finds Jade in her hotel room and explains that Puke will be a no-show at her concert. Despite the deal they made, she agrees to let Layla open for her.

Speaking of creepy hotel rooms, Teddy has gotten the cash and delivers it in a (how cliché can we get?) duffel bag to the hooker.

Taking Gunnar’s advice, Will apologizes to Kevin and AWKWARDLY invites him out to see Gunnar, Scarlett and Avery play. And guess who else wants to go? Juliette. But Avery doesn’t want her there because she will detract attention from The Chex Mixes. And we can all guess the Juliette freak out that followed.

At the Bridgestone Arena before the Jade St. John show, Rayna meets up with Layla before her performance. Layla confesses that Creepy is her manager and even though Ray Ray isn’t happy with the news, she does demand Layla have a completely open line of communication with her from now on.

When Deacon finally talks to Maddie, she admits that hanging out with Colt over at Puke’s place is more comfortable than hanging out with Deacon. OUCH, BRATTIE! Anyway, Deacon realizes he shouldn’t keep his cancer a secret and Maddie apologizes for lying about seeing Puke, Junior. Then Brattie calls her mama and apologizes. Deacon apologizes to Rayna and just sugary sweet goodness and this plotline is getting old fast.

Back at Bridgestone, Rayna gets the chance to, errr, “speak” with Creepy. When he tries to take credit for Layla’s success so far, she points out that Layla’s talent is what earned her the big breaks and she can’t wait until Layla realizes what pond scum he is.

On lower Broadway, the reporter party is in full swing and Gunnar is playing bartender while wearing what appears to be something stolen from the New Kids on the Block circa 1991. Once the trio takes the stage, Will is crushed when Kevin shows up and is talking animatedly to a man he sees as soon as he walks into the bar. Will quietly ducks out. Despite Will’s setback, the Pitchfork reporter is thrilled with the show and Avery splits as soon as the performance is over. He has a cray baby mama to deal with. Gunnar is dismayed by Caleb’s appearance at the show and is again cock blocked.

Deacon arrives at the Jade St. John concert with Maddie and she takes off with Colt. When Puke catches sight of Deacon, he tries to mosey to another part of the backstage, but Deacon wants to chat. Deacon doesn’t beat around the bush and tells Puke he has cancer. In the best moment of the show, Puke shows grace and humanity. Deacon thanks him for giving Maddie an emotionally safe place to hang out. And Luke shakes his hand, telling him “You’re going to beat this, brother.”

When Avery gets home, Juliette has hired a nanny. What did I tell you people?! But Avery isn’t happy with the situation at all. Juliette didn’t even check with him. But we all know it’s never about Avery and all about Juliette, who dismisses him to finish writing her song. But when Juliette leaves without telling him, Avery makes a decision. He has to quit the band in order to stay closer to home.

Kevin shows up on Will’s doorstep, asking why he left the party. Will comes clean and admits he wanted to ask him out. Kevin says he already figured out Will was gay, but didn’t know he was interested. When Will asks him “Are you?” – that cute Kevin lays a hot kiss on him. So I think I have a new favorite couple on this show!!

After a fun Jade/Aguilera number, Puke is hanging out backstage and finally meets Xtina, where she outwardly flirts with him. I want to like this girl, but her taste in men makes me want to punch Scarlett. Hell, Scarlett makes me want to punch Scarlett.

We next find the hoochie mama in tears at the hotel and her room is filled with FBI agents. It seems she was wearing a wire and the money Teddy gave her is being collected as evidence by agents.

As things look devastating for Teddy, things keep looking up for Deacon when both Maddie and Daphne suggest he move in because he’s always at their house anyway. Again, gag me with this storyline.

So when Juliette left, she didn’t just leave the house. She left town with Glenn and Emily in tow on a private jet bound for LA. She has to be there ASAP to pitch her song to the movie producers. Move over Rayna. I think we have found our 2016 Mother of the Year winner.

And don’t worry, loves. Xtina returns for the next episode and I promise, there will be cat fighting!

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "This Just Ain't A Good Day for Leavin" (season 3 episode 17)

NASHVILLE recap: "Nobody Knows But Me" (season 3 episode 18)

NASHVILLE recap: "The Storm Has Just Begun" (season 3 episode 19)