Two months have passed since the last episode and the gang is all coming back to Nashville to an airport that looks nothing like Nashville International. Fans have all lined up at the fake BNA to snap a photo with Luke. I've been on commercial flights with many famous people from, Gary Allan to Gretchen Wilson (in her heyday) to Taylor Swift, and I didn’t see a single soul at any airports lining up to gherm all over them. But, let’s just keep up this fantasy world of fame, Nashville writers.

Rayna performs the bonus single “Lies of the Lonely,” the one she managed to pull out of her butt, on Dancing with the Stars that included a little cameo from host Tom Bergeron. The song is fine, but the best part of that whole performance is that her boobs look fantastic in the dress she was wearing. It looked like she had two tiny hydraulic lifts in her top. Can someone get the Nashville wardrobe diva/divo on the line… ?? I MUST KNOW their secrets!

Rayna comes home to find Luke perfecting the role of daddy with his and her kids. Good thing, too, because Rayna has been offered the cover story of Rolling Stone and the reporter will soon be arriving to follow her around as she hangs out at home the entire weekend. Coincidentally, it’s the amount of time she will be in Nashville before leaving town for her celebrity-related duties.

We next find Juliette and Avery at the OB/GYN office and Avery looks incredibly comfortable in that office. Every time I go to my lady doctor appointment, there are at least five VERY NERVOUS looking men accompanying their partners/wives for checkups. Maybe all the booze killed the brain cells that control Avery’s nerve.

Naturally, neither of them can agree on anything when it comes to decisions for the baby, from learning the gender to a birth plan. Anyone else worried they procreated? The creature from Alien comes to mind. However, I have already started coming up with a list of names they shouldn’t pick:

1. Luke

2. Ruke

3. Scarlett

4. Luke

5. Javery

6. Luke

7. Renesmee

Back in East Nasty — it looks to be where Gunnar and Zoey live — Gunnar is throwing around a football in the front yard (eyeroll) with his long lost son, Mika. And Will shows up to crash at their place, too. It seems Gunnar Jr stays with them when his mom visits her boyfriend back in Oklahoma. And, of course, Zoey is taking a backseat to the kid’s needs. Zoey is bored because she doesn’t have a job, or a boyfriend who makes her a priority.

Over at casa de Deacon and Scarlett, undernourished Scarlett is apparently in demand and now writing songs for Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood. It happens all the time, right? I mean, ask any songwriter on Music Row how the artists just beat down their door to write them songs.

Her Uncle Deacon is feeling a little under the weather when he spots Bubba from Forrest Gump, looking all clean and shaven, leaving something at the door for skinny Minnie. It was a thank you note for her kindness, and a harmonica. When she goes to look for him, she finds him selling The Contributor and she offers to buy his stack of papers if he will spend the afternoon writing songs with her. He begins to tell her about his wife and children, who were killed in a car accident on their way to visit him while he was playing a gig. That’s the reason he stopped playing music.

Scarlett then Googles him and learns he had some chart success and is an incredibly talented musician. She invites him to sing the song they wrote together at the Bluebird and when he begins to get nervous before the gig, she agrees to perform with him. They both overcome their fears of playing music live again. How so very deep, Nashville writers. (Now, get Scar Scar a deep dish pizza to match!) Of course, their performance delivers the best song of the night. It’s a bluesy romp called “Carry On.” Nashville needs more Bubba, PLEASE!!!

Will finally goes home after two months of not talking to his beard (Layla) and she apologizes for basically acting like a mental case, and he tells her he wants her to be happy. For the first time this season she is acting like a decent human being and invites him to The Sutler to listen to her perform new music that she's been writing.

While chatting with the Rolling Stone reporter at her label, Rayna is interrupted by Juliette, who is pissed, prissy, pregnant and puffy. It seems Rayna doesn’t like the music Juliette has been sending her and prefers the stuff she did with Avery. Line of the night is when Juliette glares at the reporter and asks Rayna “Do you think he’s going to write me as a hormonal head case?” If there’s truth in journalism he will!!

Later, feeling more alone than ever, Juliette tearfully asks Emily to be her birthing partner. Taking Rayna’s advice, Juliette uses her feelings of loneliness to write songs that might actually be recordable. As she is laying down a track, Avery shows up to drop off a baby crib he’s purchased. And in a typical moment of gaggy sentimentality, Avery is awestruck by Juliette and the song.

Emily later heads over to Avery’s place to tell him to be more involved with Juliette’s pregnancy and that his baby mama is sad and scared. The little pep talk worked because Avery shows up for Juliette’s private Lamaze session and is officially her birthing partner. If only all men could do a complete 180 like that. *Sigh*

Wanting to get the most in-depth story possible, the reporter calls Deacon to get his side of the Rayna James story and Deacon gets pissy and hangs up on him. So the poor guy must next accompany Luke and Rayna as they plan their wedding. I think I’d rather be a urinal after a night of Layla and Avery binge drinking. Realizing that her attention is more on the reporter and not wedding planning, Luke starts acting like a child and storms outside.

When they get back home, with the reporter still on their heels, they walk in on Maddie and Colt kissing. Colt gives the typical “She’s not my mom” speech when Rayna tries to scold him. Rayna then turns her parental talkie talk to Maddie and tells her to stop having feelings for Colt. Great advice to a teenager, Rayna. Maybe you should have that nanny take over now…

Rayna then finds the reporter to ask him not to write about the step-sister/step-brother kiss. When he refuses to keep that little tidbit out of his article, she then offers to give him the “story of Deacon Claybourne.”

At The Sutler, Gunnar, Zoey and Will are all gathered to hear Layla’s gig and they are shocked at how good she is. As she sings a song called “Blind,” Will realizes it's about him and nervously excuses himself. Afterward, Layla confesses to Will that she'd never been through anything emotionally heart wrenching in her life until he came along, so she was able to draw and write from those experiences.

Pam shows up to deliver some chicken soup for Deacon and he tells her he’s grateful for helping him through a rough patch in his life. But she ain’t no Zoey, and they both acknowledge what they had was simply a roadmance and she moseys on out of there.

Will and the beard are attending the premiere of their reality show, which is not very cleverly called Love and Country. As they watch the episode, it becomes clear it'll be Nick & Jessica all over again, when Layla comes off as a complete airhead. Turning back into meltdown beard, Layla is off in a corner crying when Will finds her. They are interrupted by the reality show producer who reminds them they signed contracts and that it looks like the show is a hit.

At the Hermitage Café, Kylie’s Oklahoma boyfriend breaks up with her because she has a kid. How convenient. Now Gunnar’s kid won’t be leaving town after all. But Kylie hasn’t been picking the kid up on time lately and it’s becoming a problem for stepmommy Zoey. Gunnar makes a call to a tearful Kylie who is basically leaving the kid in Nashville indefinitely so she can go west and win her man back. Unbelievable.

On this show, she still in the running for Mother of the Year. And Zoey is, too. Probably.

See also:

NASHVILLE recap: "Nobody Said It Was Going to be Easy" (season 3 episode 6)

NASHVILLE recap: "I'm Coming Home to You" (season 3 episode 7)

NASHVILLE recap: "You're Looking at Country" (season 3 episode 8)