Slow down, sinners! Everything is in fast motion this year — with Easter on the first Sunday of April, I’ve been thrown into a never-ending spiral of holiday brunches, cupcake parties and First Communions.
My Bible says that babies must be baptized immediately (to wash the Satan-stink off those filthy little original sinners), but the Catholics make their kids grow up before baptizing. Between you and me, I think that a Catholic heaven may be more peaceful without all those screaming children running about — purgatory must be a nursemaid’s nightmare!
I’m getting off track, for my Heaven has everyone there, except the LGBT crowd and those of color. You see, my pastor tells me that Catholics are technically Christian, but they’re drunkards, so they need someone to lead them to the right Baptist path. As Kansas City’s favorite Christian, it’s my honor, leading them to salvation with a dirty martini in my hand. How else would they follow?
Let’s just get it out in the open right now: Ron Megee and Missy Koonce are filthy, evil creatures who follow the Devil like overweight diabetics chase the Twinkies delivery truck. Their vile humor, showcased on AIDS Walk’s YouTube and Facebook, disgusts me. I had them flagged, reported them as inappropriate, but the video is still up there. I urge you to resist any temptation to see that show they’re in. We all know what’s in it: homosexual humor, nudity and crude language. The bile is rising in my throat as I write this, the topic is so disgusting. I feel so sorry for the other actors in that show, but they deserve it. Actors and directors are fancy names for prostitutes and pimp-daddies. Wear it proudly, hussies.
I guess I should say a little something about AIDS Walk, because after all, this edition is full of honoraria, kudos and other nauseating bile about these holier-than-thou people who raise money for HIV and AIDS. I suppose all of you reading this will be there on April 24, too, feeling good about yourself because you went out of your way, asking people to donate to a cause you support, and then getting a T-shirt for your trouble. You all work cheap. It’s nothing like the gift bag I got at the Grammys, but I guess I’m not in a “do unto others” mood right now. Christian celebrities rarely are.
I’m feeling a little judgmental right now, because I took a double-dose of communion at the Sunday service this morning, and my Holy Light is shining a bit brighter than normal. I discovered last month a map of Christianity that shows my wonderful faith, the Baptists, dominating the country. We’re the green squares. Praise the Lord! The map indicates where Internet references to certain religions are most prevalent. For more on this wonderful news, check out the March 17 blog posting on Join my faith, and then join me in Heaven, too. (But only if you’re straight and of European descent, of course.)
I can’t imagine what a wonderful day it will be when I, joined by my Baptist brethren, are able to rule the world and strike down filthy sinners, like those nasty people in that AIDS Walk play, and that woman who didn’t say thank you to me when I held the door open for her at Crate & Barrel last week, and anyone who is not a Christian -- I guess that goes without saying, doesn’t it?

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