We’ve all heard allegations that a darker complexion—for those who might otherwise not have one—is sign of good health and leisure. But the inevitable farmer’s tan and occasional char broiling of shoulders aside, are we all still under the impression that artificially causing our natural skin color to darken while leaving only certain areas untouched by nature’s light is fashionable…or necessary?

Even in the face of potentially great health risks, naturally pallid folks fill tanning salons from sea to shining sea year-round. In the summer months, seasonal enthusiasts join them by splaying themselves about residential lawns, decks, patios, and in public parks everywhere radiant Helios doth shine. Unlike many of our Latin American and European counterparts, however, most Anglo-Americans don’t seem too bothered by the tan lines that mar what would otherwise form an acceptable, if unnatural, chromatic transformation.

It could be that I am just out of the norm and/or not just a bit out of touch, but tan lines irk me. Some brave, influential fashionista needs to ban brazier and bikini straps. Else, American and Canadian women stand to look their peculiar brand of foolish at clubs, bars, family gatherings, and outdoor receptions from May to September even unto eternity.

Now, before you go and roll your eyes for the fourth time, I will propose the existence of a suitable site for the otherwise ungainly tan line. Like the tradition of topless sunbathing in the Americas, that place lies in the “Southern Hemisphere”. Indeed our nether regions take on quite the compelling quality when framed by a melanin enriched body. Nothing could manage a more sensual surprise than glimpsing signs of a tanless lower torso or defrocking a romantic partner to have your attention almost immediately channeled to their pelvis. In this regard, it is the porn industry that stands as a guiding light in progressive tanning. (Don’t play. I know you know what I mean.)

Still, I recommend the natural approach. I urge all tanners and sun bathers to cease with the insanity and to consider relinquishing such an imprudent aesthetic whim for the sake of preventive healthcare—and for the sake of looking better as gravity begins to take greater hold.

Besides, if you’re looking for an aesthetic, there are plenty of people with naturally ample melanin for you to admire and appreciate this summer season.