Remember how, when Barack Obama was elected, all racism suddenly ended and was gone forever? You’d be driving along and black people and white people would be out in the street hugging all over the place and you’d be all, “Hey, Yes We Can, and all, but I’ve got to get to work!” But then you’d remember that your true job was to love and you’d just put the car in park and jump out and join them.

Unfortunately, the election of a lesbian mayor in Houston hasn’t quite had that same effect.

Some people aren’t very happy right now.

One of those some people is surely Rick Scarbrough, the president of Vision America. No, he isn’t an optometrist. The Vision America board includes such right-wing, anti-gay notaries as Don Wildmon and Tim LaHaye.

Scarbrough sent out an e-mail before the election warning Houstonians that if Annise Parker became mayor, “Houston will become ... the San Francisco of the South.”

That’s right: Windy. Cold – even though it’s California, for crying out loud. Not to mention all of those damn hills.

Or maybe he’s talking about the gay thing.

“If people who hold to traditional values neglect to vote in this election, the results will be far reaching,” Scarbrough pleads in his e-mail. “This election illustrates like few others why good men and women must stay engaged as concerned citizens.”

According to Scarbrough, Parker’s election will bring on the Eight Gay Commandments of the Homosexual Agenda, if you will.

First, everyone in Houston will have to get gay married. Second, gay-on-gay action in public will be the law. Third, “homosexuality (will be taught) to school children, starting in kindergarten, as an acceptable, alternative lifestyle. This is known as multisexualism. This enables homosexuals to recruit children to their lifestyle.”

Ah, yes. The old “gays are after your kids” line. I have yet to meet a single gay person who was “recruited” into being gay. I think someone needs to tell the anti-gay Christians that homosexuality doesn’t have anything to do with missionary work.

In order to drive the “lock up your kids, the gays are coming” point home, Scarbrough cites NAMBLA in order to “prove” that Parker and her gay mafia will, in their fourth measure, “lower or remove age of consent laws leading to relaxation of laws prohibiting pedophilia.” That’s right. Gays won’t be happy until 60 year olds can marry 12 year olds. You know, like the old-timey Mormon Church.

No. 5: Gay people are going to take your job after Parker makes gays “a minority class, leading to affirmative action for homosexuals in the workplace.” Silly Houstonians. They thought it was illegal immigrants they had to watch out for.

Destroying freedom of speech is sixth on the list, as a lesbian mayor would surely “prohibit any speech which opposes homosexual activity. This would be considered ‘hate speech’ and have criminal sanctions. This would destroy First Amendment free speech rights for those who oppose homosexual conduct and the homosexual political movement.”

Seven and eight on the list are employee benefits for homos and the election of more gay candidates who will implement these same eight steps, thus creating a never-ending gay cycle.

And all of this is going to happen in, um, Houston? Whatever you say, Scarbrough. You’re the one with a divinity degree, not me.

D'Anne Witkowski has been gay for pay since 2003. She's a freelance writer and poet (believe it!). When she's not taking on the creeps of the world she reviews rock and roll shows in Detroit with her twin sister and teaches writing at the University of Michigan.