I am supposed to be happy that you sodomites are gathering in Kansas City to celebrate your pride by waving banners, holding up signs, and purchasing abnormal quantities of over-fluffed synthetic hair.
I’m familiar with this sort of gathering — it’s exactly like when my fellow Tea Party friends get together to protest Obamacare. I understand your passion, your sense of righteousness and the fact that you feel like society’s doormats.
But you are pond scum, sinners. No use trying to lie about that. I am Kansas City’s favorite Christian, so I feel that it’s my place to do what I think Jesus would do: Condemn you all. Nothing personal, mind you. It’s just that we straights run the world, and we don’t want you being any big part of it.
Except as waiters, floral arrangers and hairstylists. For you sassy lesbianic creatures, animal-control officers and power-line tree-trimmers seem to be fashionable occupations to get your hands dirty, as you like to do.
Don’t roll your eyes at me, sinners. I know that through your gay agenda you’re infiltrating managerial offices, police forces and other occupations that truly require the expertise of a Straight.
But us Straights know more, think quicker and are more moral than any of you can ever be. That’s why we’re fighting for the institution of marriage. I would die rather than see a pair of you perverts possess a valid Missouri marriage license.
As your friend, I need to tell you three things: First, unless you change your ways, you’re doomed to hell. Second, attend a church (see purple sidebar) that I approve of. You’ll have a much better chance of meeting me in Heaven if you die under their tutelage.
And lastly, marriage will never make you happy. I know -- I’ve been married three times. Know that I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and you don’t need to ride at the front of the bus with me. The view from the back is just fine.

Church Guide
to Gay Marriage
You’re headed toward the slippery slope of hell.
You may end up in hell with the Liberals.
You’re going to heaven.
Seventh-day Adventist — Opposes.
Baptists — Southern opposes, Westboro pickets, American opposes, Association of Welcoming/
Affirming supports, National opposes.
Buddhism — No position.
Catholicism — Opposes.
Churches of Christ — Opposes.
Episcopal Church — More + than -.
Hinduism — No position.
Islam — Forbids as a crime.
Jehovah’s Witnesses — Opposes.
Judaism — Reform and Reconstructionist support, Conservative on the fence, Orthodox forbids.
Latter-day Saints (Mormonism) — Both the Church of Jesus Christ and the Community of Christ oppose.
Lutheranism — Evangelical supports. All others, including Missouri and Wisconsin Synod, oppose.
Mennonite — Splintered.
United Methodist Church — Splintered.
Metropolitan Community Church — Screamingly supports, with pom-poms waving.
Evangelicals — Opposes.
Pentecostalism — Opposes.
Presbyterian Church — Splintered.
Quakers — Splintered.
Unitarian Universalist — Supports.
United Church of Christ — Splintered.
Unity — No position.tists—Southern opposes, Westboro pickets, American opposes, Association of Welcoming/