Satan took over the election, and every night since that dreadful event, I have taken a cold bath before going to bed. As I lay in my creamy silk lounging gown on top of my damask duvet, I cross my hands over my chest and hold my breath. I pretend I’m dead, and I’m at peace.

There’s no other way to deal with the horrible nightmare we’re all living in. A liberal family in the White House? Sarah Palin has gone back to Alaska, pulled the covers over her head, and settled in for a six-month winter’s night nap, with lots of beef jerky and Moose Hunt magazines. Sarah is a brave woman whom I adore, and I will be running on the top of the Republican ticket with her in 2012. Stay tuned, sodomites.

You Kansas City heathens are lovely to be around, especially when you lose. Four years ago, when we straight folk, appointed by God, amended the Missouri constitution and outlawed legal recognition for boys on boys and girls on girls (repeat after me: Marriage is between One Man and One Woman), you all just rolled over and let us kick you. Sweet and weak, and I liked it.

Not like those pesky California homosexuals. I guess there’s something about being body-obsessed to instill some energy when faced with “injustice.” Silly sinners.

I’m having lunch with the Rev. John C. Wester, bishop of the Salt Lake City Catholic Diocese, in a few days (he’s good friends with our Opus Dei bishop here in Kansas City, the Most Rev. Robert W. Finn) and I can tell you that the Rev. John is ticked off! It seems that the California and Utah protests that attract tens of thousands of the brimstone-bound are totally leaving the Catholics in the cold: They’re displaying all their anger to the Mormons! The Rev. John is upset, for the good Catholic Church worked as hard as those Mormons to let the world know that you all are slime.

We’re working on a plan to have daily protests at the Gold Dome here in Kansas City to stir up the conservative base. It’s expected to raise millions in revenue, especially from the Hallmark Foundation. Since Hallmark Cards creates the Christmas card for each Republican President, this will be the last year for awhile that they’ll be creating the cards. So it comes as no surprise that the Catholic Church and 93 percent of Hallmark’s employees (you don’t expect straight people to be creative, do you?) will team up for protests. I’m so excited! Maybe we can have a skinhead parade down Broadway, just like Jeff City had Nov. 8.

It’s very sad that a major employer has to motivate its staff to protest “injustice” (I snicker as I dictated that last sentence), for the homosexuals of Kansas City can be counted on to sit on their duffs. They sit at BBQ joints, NASCAR races, Chiefs games, and now, they sit and watch their fellow homosexuals protest. It’s so cute!

But enough of the lazy gays. I’m preparing for Death. I know that the new president will tax me to death, or create some sort of Socialist State where I’ll be burned at the stake with anyone else making $250,000 a year or more. That’s why I purchased the solid gold casket (pictured above), which I’m storing in my wine cellar until Jesus calls me home again. It’s also a great place to store my case of 1787 Chateau d’Yquem.

I’m having Bob Mackey design a simple, conservative gown for me to wear as I lay in my casket. He just sent me a sketch of the creation, which is inspired by the Statue of Liberty. It’s being made by a village of seamstresses in Beijing, and it shall be the perfect patriotic gown for America’s favorite Christian, yours truly.

Oh, and on a side note, Mayor Funkhouser caught wind that my solid gold casket was delivered last week and showed up, hat in hand, at the entrance of my manse in Loch Lloyd. He said that he needed two things: shoes for his wife, Gloria, and a new job.
I quickly made a phone call to UMKC, and he’ll start there soon as some sort of professor. And no, I do not want Kay Barnes back in that office. Sammy Graves told me he’d tickle me to death if I ever mentioned her name again.
Kay Barnes!
Kay Barnes!

Curative has announced that it is currently providing COVID-19 no-cost testing in your area at Metropolitan Community College.

Stay safe and get tested!

Keep reading Show less
Photo by Alonso Reyes on Unsplash

“I wish I could work out, too, but I just don’t have the motivation!”

Give me a dollar for every time I’ve heard that and I’d be in Cabo San Lucas with an umbrella drink right now. Let’s identify a few of your motivations to get you on the right path. They are there … you just need to realize them so you can make it a great 2022.

How about getting healthy so you can be at that Christmas celebration in 30 years with all the family gathered around and exchanging presents? There will be nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, children and maybe some grandchildren, all enjoying the sounds and sights of the season. That would be amazing!

How about being healthy so you can watch the first man land on Mars in 2030? You hear all the talk about preparing for a mission to Mars, but it will be a long time in coming. Just think if you were alive and well to see it happen!

Keep reading Show less