Before I begin, I must offer a formal apology to my dear friend, Bishop Robert W. Finn, D.D., whom I described recently as a man who wears a dress. I was wrong, sinners, and will share with you what I discovered. First, he wears special shoes and colored stockings, usually violet. Then he’s got a cute little ring, some jewelry called a pectoral cross, a cape, his towering miter hat, and then underneath it all is an alb, a white linen vestment with close-fitting sleeves, reaching nearly to the ground and secured round the waist by a girdle. Not a dress. I am sorry for the confusion.
This column is all about confusion. I am going to name the top 10 things I’m confused about in your community, and I really don’t want any communication from you all about it. I get dozens of emails daily from you little pervs and must I tell you again — I’m right, you’re wrong. Get it through your brains. You chose this lifestyle, so live with the consequences.
Francine’s List of Queer Confusions
1. I do not understand why men dress as women and women dress as men. Boys sleep with boys. Boys dress as girls. Girls sleep with girls. Girls dress as boys. Will somebody get out the hedge-clippers and cut a pathway through this jungle of identity crisis? Do you all do it to confuse the straights? You win! There’s some little secret here, all designed to keep people like me in a state of constant anxiety. However, don’t disband the drag community until I get trained on how you do that marvelous eye makeup.
2. Why do professional, successful lesbians have helmet hair?
3. Give me an example of a man like Anne Heche, crossing over to the gay side and then switching back to being straight. I’ve never met a man who truthfully did it. Bisexuals need not enter into this conversation. You’re taunted, rallied against, and otherwise lashed with cats o’nine tails because you slide into sexual encounters between both sexes. That sort of reminds me of frogs who change sexes when their lily-pool becomes overpopulated with one sex and some of them turn into the other sex. I am not saying that bisexuals are amphibians, nor am I saying they’re hermaphrodites … but I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve never seen one naked, so I can’t be sure. I just don’t get it. And that means you’re wrong.
4. Camp magazine has been publishing for 100 issues, and it still smells like rancid, same-sex sewage. You would think the printers would put some Febreze into the ink. I should offer congratulations at this point, but the fact that I’m under a court-ordered mandate to write this column negates that option quickly. I am as likely to offer platitudes to the publisher of this trash as a Catholic priest would be to have sexual thoughts about another man. It positively, simply isn’t going to happen.
5. The KC Carnivores, the gay rugby team, offer memberships to vegetarians. Boys! Rugby was designed by closeted gay men to play rough with each other so they can clean the blood and mud off each other in the showers ... then the straight community has no suspicions. These men want to eat meat, understand? End of story.
6. Why do Facebook queers “friend” everyone who lives in a 60-mile-radius, and then post their private party pics online so that 98 percent of their “friends” (not invited to the party) can witness what they didn’t get invited to? Sinners, I think this is delicious! You ego-driven maniacs are adorable, and I plan on doing this same trick to the HRC’ers who aren’t members of the Federal Club (you know, the rich queers -- donations of $1,200+ yearly). A $35 national membership to HRC won’t get you invited to a party in one of the Log Cabin mansions in Mission Hills, will it? Pay the price or suffer, weaklings! We earned our money the old-fashioned way: We inherited it.
7. When fun-loving, urban gays and lesbians become couples (dooming their sex lives to die a slow, torturous death), please explain to me why they think it’s a good idea to move to the outskirts of Olathe? Are your sexless souls so empty that only a beige McMansion can fill the hunger? I’m in Loch Lloyd, so I’m immune from the suburb jokes, and we wouldn’t let people like you live with us anyway, so shut the hell up. Jesus told me to say that.
8. Is having a tattoo on your neck, your chest, or your forearm going to look as good in the nursing home as it does right now? But the tattoo on the small of your back (your tramp-stamp) is different. The nurse bending you over to clean your butt in hospice needs something to look at.
9. Getting HIV is really fun, right? Bareback sex is cool. I’m confused at how many ignorant morons there are in Kansas City. Get your brains out of your dicks and back up into your heads. Jesus told me to say that, again. He’s been talking to me a lot lately. What, Jesus? Oh. He told me one other thing. He says, “I miss you, bareback boys! See you very soon!”
10. Finally, and most important, I am confused why any of you would want to get married to someone of the same sex. Marriage is about procreation, and it’s been handed down by God through the 7,000 years the world has been in existence. God created Adam, took a rib out (this is where the sexual references to a man’s bone come from), and then created the beautiful Eve to be the maid-servant for Adam. God only created Man. A woman (note I did not capitalize the “w”) was an afterthought. Therefore, by my reasoning, a man has to have a servant (woman) to be Holy. But Francine, you say, You are a woman! How can you say this about yourself? I laugh at you, for I am Holy, like a Man. God has only granted this honor to three other women: Virgin Mary, Mother Teresa, and me. Honor me, and I shall take pity on your souls. That’s what makes me so great!
Love you, mean it!
WhistlePig and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Wind Tunnel-Trialed Whiskey Is a Ryed You Don’t Want to Miss
SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.
The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.
Like Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s signature C43 racing vehicles, trial barrels were tested in the team’s wind tunnel in Switzerland before hitting the track. Select barrels then endured varying levels of G-Forces at the WhistlePig farm and distillery for the finishing touch, accelerating the interaction between the whiskey and the wood, staying true to the physical nature of Formula 1.
“Partnering with WhistlePig has been a very exciting experience. Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake is dedicated to being the best on the track, and the crew at WhistlePig is fearless in their pursuit to create the best whiskey out there,” said Valtteri Bottas, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “We’re really looking forward to fans tasting our custom Rye Whiskey and raising a glass to the rookies, veterans, legends and the exhilarating sport of F1.”
"Joining forces with WhistlePig to release a Single Barrel Rye Whiskey that represents my culture and team has been an honor,” said Zhou Guanyu, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “Formula 1 brings together fearless, thrill-seeking motorsports professionals, and WhistlePig has a shared passion for boundary-pushing innovation. Together, we’ve selected something alarmingly good for fans to enjoy this season when the cars are not on track.”
The Limited Edition Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel will be available for purchase online starting around September 13 for $49.99 MSRP per 750ml bottle and sold in select stores across the U.S. Consumers can win VIP merchandise by scanning the QR code on the back of each bottle.
"We're taking our third Legends Series release on a ryed like never before,” said Meghan Ireland, WhistlePig Head Blender. "Our experiments with dynamic aging went full throttle during finishing trials at the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake wind tunnel, in turn inspiring new ways to expose barrels to G-forces back at the WhistlePig Farm. The herbal and floral notes of the lychee and tea barrel selected with the team create a new, podium-topping experience for PiggyBack Rye."
Fans and collectors have followed WhistlePig PiggyBack Legends Series, celebrating those who give 100% in the name of greatness, since its launch in March 2022 with Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, David Ortiz (“Big Papi”), followed by Country Music Duo Brothers Osborne in November 2022.
To learn more about WhistlePig Whiskey, visit whistlepigwhiskey.com. You can also check out WhistlePig Whiskey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
About WhistlePig Whiskey
Located off the grid on a 500-acre Vermont farm, WhistlePig Whiskey is crafted by a new generation of whiskey distillers and blenders driven to reinvent and unlock the flavor of Rye whiskey. Through their rebellious pursuit of experimenting and pushing boundaries in the industry, WhistlePig has become the leading independent craft whiskey brand for innovation. WhistlePig is committed to becoming the best whiskey on and for the planet, starting with its locally sourced ingredients and sustainable supply chain and distilling process. For more information, head to whistlepigwhiskey.com.
Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz
When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.
I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.
If you don’t have a primary care physician who specializes in LGBTQ+ care in your community, you may need to educate yourself (and your provider). But, before you seek such therapy, here are five things you should know!
- Monitor closely. At Spectrum Medical Care Center, we screen patients for certain risks before starting anyone on hormones. We frequently monitor patients in the first year to ensure there are no adverse reactions and lab results are within safe ranges. Follow-up care is also important to assess your comfort with the transition as well as the social impact and social support you’re experiencing.
- Some changes are permanent, some temporary. For transmasculine individuals going on testosterone, they’ll experience these permanent changes: deepened voice, clitoral enlargement (also known as bottom growth), more body, facial hair, and male pattern baldness. Reversible changes include cessation of menses, increased muscle mass and strength, body fat redistribution, and skin oiliness or acne. For those going on estrogen therapy, the most permanent change is breast growth. Feminizing hormone therapy can also cause atrophy (shrinkage) of the genitals and loss of erectile function that may not be reversible. Estrogen will thin body hair, soften the skin, can increase scalp hair, and decrease muscle mass and strength, all of which are reversible.
- You can’t pick and choose results. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose the physical changes you want, which may feel challenging. Some of my patients will say, ‘Okay, ‘I’ve seen the permanent changes I want, and I don’t want it to go any further,’ and so at that point, we stop therapy. Low-dose hormone therapy can slow down the rate of changes, allowing for a more gradual physical transition. We counsel patients in advance about the common changes, and it’s up to the individual as to when they’d like to scale back and determine whether some benefits are worth the potential risks.
- Be aware of risks. Like any medical treatment, there are potential risks involved. Some risks with testosterone therapy include increased red blood cell mass, acne, hypertension, sleep apnea, weight gain, and dyslipidemia (increases the chance of clogged arteries). Cardiovascular disease is likely increased with additional risk factors for testosterone and estrogen therapy. Transfeminine patients going on estrogen therapy may experience weight gain, thromboembolic disease (when a blood clot breaks off and blocks another blood vessel), and a high level of triglycerides in the blood.
Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area
Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!
Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.
"Our entire team is honored to be named Best of the Best. To be the only gay men's resort recognized in the Top 1% is incredibly humbling," said Kent Taylor, General Manager at Descanso. "We appreciate Tripadvisor and we're grateful to all our guests who gave us such high marks and reviews to help us reach this achievement."
“Ranking among the Best of the Best demonstrates that you have provided exemplary experiences to those who maZer most: your guests,” said John Boris, Chief Growth Officer at Tripadvisor. “With changing expectations, continued labor shortages, and rising costs, this is no easy feat, and I am con6nually impressed with the hospitality industry’s resilience and ability to adapt.”
Santiago Resort was once again honored by Tripadvisor with a 2023 Travelers’ Choice award, placing it among the top 10% of travelers’ top reviewed des6na6ons. Twin Palms will become eligible for ranking in 2024.
Check out all the reviews, and discover more about Descanso Resort on Tripadvisor here. We have an excellent library of resort imagery available to accompany editorial and additional resources on our press page. Please contact Descanso Resort’s General Manager, Kent Taylor, at kent@descansoresort.com for further information.
About Descanso Resort
Inspired by Palm Springs’ history as a des6na6on for Hollywood stars to unwind in privacy, Descanso offers guests a casual yet modern take on the legendary style of that 6me. Created by the same hospitality team that revitalized Palm Springs’ much-loved San6ago Resort and recently launched the all-new Twin Palms Resort, the Descanso property opened in 2022 featuring 15 spacious guest rooms with custom-designed furniture, dreamy King-size beds, and luxe details. Ameni6es include continental breakfast, poolside lunch, welcome snack basket, and lots of special touches. For guests who need to stay connected, the entire property is equipped with blazing-fast Wi-Fi. Mul6-speed bikes are available for exploring the surrounding midcentury neighborhoods and public art installations. Like the Hollywood stars before them, guests at Descanso are encouraged to unwind, relax, and rest in style.
About Tripadvisor
Travelers across the globe use the Tripadvisor site and app to discover where to stay, what to do and where to eat based on guidance from those who have been there before. With more than 1 billion reviews and opinions of nearly 8 million businesses, travelers turn to Tripadvisor to find deals on accommodations, book experiences, reserve tables at delicious restaurants and discover great places nearby.