Before I begin, I must offer a formal apology to my dear friend, Bishop Robert W. Finn, D.D., whom I described recently as a man who wears a dress. I was wrong, sinners, and will share with you what I discovered. First, he wears special shoes and colored stockings, usually violet. Then he’s got a cute little ring, some jewelry called a pectoral cross, a cape, his towering miter hat, and then underneath it all is an alb, a white linen vestment with close-fitting sleeves, reaching nearly to the ground and secured round the waist by a girdle. Not a dress. I am sorry for the confusion.
This column is all about confusion. I am going to name the top 10 things I’m confused about in your community, and I really don’t want any communication from you all about it. I get dozens of emails daily from you little pervs and must I tell you again — I’m right, you’re wrong. Get it through your brains. You chose this lifestyle, so live with the consequences.
Francine’s List of Queer Confusions
1. I do not understand why men dress as women and women dress as men. Boys sleep with boys. Boys dress as girls. Girls sleep with girls. Girls dress as boys. Will somebody get out the hedge-clippers and cut a pathway through this jungle of identity crisis? Do you all do it to confuse the straights? You win! There’s some little secret here, all designed to keep people like me in a state of constant anxiety. However, don’t disband the drag community until I get trained on how you do that marvelous eye makeup.
2. Why do professional, successful lesbians have helmet hair?
3. Give me an example of a man like Anne Heche, crossing over to the gay side and then switching back to being straight. I’ve never met a man who truthfully did it. Bisexuals need not enter into this conversation. You’re taunted, rallied against, and otherwise lashed with cats o’nine tails because you slide into sexual encounters between both sexes. That sort of reminds me of frogs who change sexes when their lily-pool becomes overpopulated with one sex and some of them turn into the other sex. I am not saying that bisexuals are amphibians, nor am I saying they’re hermaphrodites … but I wouldn’t be surprised. I’ve never seen one naked, so I can’t be sure. I just don’t get it. And that means you’re wrong.
4. Camp magazine has been publishing for 100 issues, and it still smells like rancid, same-sex sewage. You would think the printers would put some Febreze into the ink. I should offer congratulations at this point, but the fact that I’m under a court-ordered mandate to write this column negates that option quickly. I am as likely to offer platitudes to the publisher of this trash as a Catholic priest would be to have sexual thoughts about another man. It positively, simply isn’t going to happen.
5. The KC Carnivores, the gay rugby team, offer memberships to vegetarians. Boys! Rugby was designed by closeted gay men to play rough with each other so they can clean the blood and mud off each other in the showers ... then the straight community has no suspicions. These men want to eat meat, understand? End of story.
6. Why do Facebook queers “friend” everyone who lives in a 60-mile-radius, and then post their private party pics online so that 98 percent of their “friends” (not invited to the party) can witness what they didn’t get invited to? Sinners, I think this is delicious! You ego-driven maniacs are adorable, and I plan on doing this same trick to the HRC’ers who aren’t members of the Federal Club (you know, the rich queers -- donations of $1,200+ yearly). A $35 national membership to HRC won’t get you invited to a party in one of the Log Cabin mansions in Mission Hills, will it? Pay the price or suffer, weaklings! We earned our money the old-fashioned way: We inherited it.
7. When fun-loving, urban gays and lesbians become couples (dooming their sex lives to die a slow, torturous death), please explain to me why they think it’s a good idea to move to the outskirts of Olathe? Are your sexless souls so empty that only a beige McMansion can fill the hunger? I’m in Loch Lloyd, so I’m immune from the suburb jokes, and we wouldn’t let people like you live with us anyway, so shut the hell up. Jesus told me to say that.
8. Is having a tattoo on your neck, your chest, or your forearm going to look as good in the nursing home as it does right now? But the tattoo on the small of your back (your tramp-stamp) is different. The nurse bending you over to clean your butt in hospice needs something to look at.
9. Getting HIV is really fun, right? Bareback sex is cool. I’m confused at how many ignorant morons there are in Kansas City. Get your brains out of your dicks and back up into your heads. Jesus told me to say that, again. He’s been talking to me a lot lately. What, Jesus? Oh. He told me one other thing. He says, “I miss you, bareback boys! See you very soon!”
10. Finally, and most important, I am confused why any of you would want to get married to someone of the same sex. Marriage is about procreation, and it’s been handed down by God through the 7,000 years the world has been in existence. God created Adam, took a rib out (this is where the sexual references to a man’s bone come from), and then created the beautiful Eve to be the maid-servant for Adam. God only created Man. A woman (note I did not capitalize the “w”) was an afterthought. Therefore, by my reasoning, a man has to have a servant (woman) to be Holy. But Francine, you say, You are a woman! How can you say this about yourself? I laugh at you, for I am Holy, like a Man. God has only granted this honor to three other women: Virgin Mary, Mother Teresa, and me. Honor me, and I shall take pity on your souls. That’s what makes me so great!
Love you, mean it!

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