Happening in Kansas City
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My ears were nearly blistering from the steam that spurted out of them. I was as mad as a hornet, and this nasty piece of trash you’re holding in your hands, Camp, was responsible for my madness.
I am being forced to write this column as part of my punishment from a liberal Demoncratic judge after an unfortunate drunken-driving conviction. I was inches away from being released from my bondage, sinners, until that hideous Camp publisher, John, insisted that I spend a day learning about boys that impersonate girls. First, he said, take a look at some LGBT blogs online.
Men that pretend to be women to pick up men who like men but find men that dress as women are a satisfying substitute for the company of a woman make my head hurt so much that I need to put a cold compress just above my eyebrows from thinking about it. (Hint from Francine: Keep a washcloth soaked with a high-quality vodka in your freezer for just such an affliction. Vodka doesn’t freeze solid, so you’ll get an excellent compress and you can suck on a corner of it at the same time. Two-for-one pain relief.)
Thinking too much causes distress for Christians, even model ones like myself. But I pressed on, setting up my laptop and slogging through one blog after another. At first I prayed for this dreadful sentence to end, but then I got caught up in some tantalizing rumors about a Missouri official’s sexual preferences. A Republican, no less.
After comforting myself with a delightfully cold and lengthy washcloth pain treatment — and that rag was dripping, let me tell you — I decided to go for a walk along the streets of my gated community, Loch Lloyd, before traveling to my first drag queen interview. I also wanted to show off my new G3 iPhone to the neighbors. If I got lost, its new GPS function would be able to help me stagger back to my manse.
But as I walked the streets, intentionally getting lost in the beige suburban jungle, how was I to know that the gadget’s touch screen responds only to the warm tap of human flesh — not the click-click of my salon-created fingernails?
Boiling anger reaches new temperatures when one discovers that Apple designs their products for the nubby fingertips of men (and you lesbians). In a rage, I threw my useless iPhone into the air, then gleefully watched it sail, anticipating the exploding crunch upon impact.
However, my girlish aim was slightly skewed, and the phone arced into a passing BMW convertible driven my none other than the public official I had just been reading about. My iPhone hit him directly on the forehead, causing him to lose consciousness. His passenger in the car, a smooth, lean fraternity boy, screeched as the car was stopped by a sturdy maple.
The man jumped out and started screaming, “He’s been killed! Help me, help me!” It was clear that he was a boy-toy. As a result of this community service sentence I’ve had writing for Camp, I can smell gay from 20 feet away. He rushed around to the driver’s door, opened it, and the official fell out onto the pavement, the contents of his man-purse spilling all over the place.
Quickly, though, he regained consciousness, his eyes filling with panic as he saw his belongings encircling him. “Get back into the car,” he hissed, picking up his travel-sized Clinique moisturizer and easing into the driver’s seat. “We need to get back to Springfield.”
The official was sweating profusely, muttering about his wife and how she didn’t need any more rumors. The boy-man put on a pouty-face and climbed back into the Beemer as the official untangled the fender from the tree. I remained in the middle of the street, watching the couple squeal their tires as they exited through the Loch Lloyd gates.
My iPhone, lying the middle of the street, began to ring. As I reached down to answer it, I saw that the caller ID showed that Sen. Larry Craig was on the line.
I don’t have Sen. Craig in my contacts list, I thought to myself, but I know who does. That Missouri official. It seemed that he and I had accidentally switched iPhones.
I remember thinking, just before the persistent ring of my very own iPhone woke me up (and I had an even worse headache!): I now have the cell phone number for Rush Limbaugh. And James Dobson.
Wouldn’t I have had some delicious phone calls to make?
Francine offers her slightly skewed viewpoint on issues in the Kansas City metropolitan area’s LGBT community in each issue of Camp. This satirical column is meant in jest and non-thought-provoking fun! Francine’s opinions are her own, and they do not necessarily reflect those of Camp or anyone connected to Camp. And since you’re asking, yes, she’s a fictional character. Well, you asked. Would you like to respond to Francine or give her a tip on something that may be of interest? E-mail her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
After the last 2 years of dealing with the pandemic and packing on those COVID pounds here are some motivational quotes that can be the spark plugs to our wellness engines. You can have a full tank of gas, a clean carburetor, all the fluids topped off, and 300 horsepower of Detroit’s finest under the hood, but you’re going nowhere without that initial spark. In your quest for well-being, you need a catalyst to move you from idle to ideal. Here are some motivational jolts to inspire you to get your health and fitness vehicle moving.
Make time for exercise each dayPhoto by Victor Freitas on Unsplash
Thomas Paine said, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” You will have conflicts with making time for exercise each day. The treadmill will conflict with your enjoyment of the living-room couch and its fluffy pillows. Your body will engage in conflict with dumbbells and exercise balls as it seeks better health. Embrace these conflicts with excitement, and walk through the smoke and fire. Triumph is waiting on the other side.
Marathon runnersPhoto by Miguel A. Amutio on Unsplash
John F. Kennedy said, “Things do not happen. Things are made to happen.” The firefighter’s 55-pound weight loss did not just happen one day on a call. The computer programmer’s success in the Chicago Marathon did not just happen on a Sunday in October. The 4th grade teacher’s significant drop in cholesterol level did not just happen the day before spring break. These people made things happen…and it took time.
Ralph Marston of The Daily Motivator website, wrote, “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” Let today be the first day in 28 years without a cigarette. Stay an extra five minutes on the recumbent bike at the gym today. Start training today for the three-day breast cancer walk that is scheduled for the fall. Tomorrow is always waiting to see what you put in your piggy bank today. Invest wisely and watch the dividends grow.
Full MoonPhoto by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash
Jill McLemore once said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars.” Set that goal to trim 75 pounds from your body. Only losing 42 pounds puts you way out there with the North Star. Aim to run 750 miles this year. Coming up 68 miles short will still put you past that former planet Pluto and on your way to the Orion constellation. Dropping eight waist sizes by Christmas instead of the projected 10 will let you glow with the luminescence of several brilliant wonders in the sky. By the way, I think there’s a full moon tonight!
Zig Ziglar stated, “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Tom Cruise was another aspiring pretty face in Hollywood about 30 years ago before starting to audition for parts in TV shows. Jared Fogle was a morbidly obese college student at Indiana University in the 1990s before beginning his Subway diet. Mark Zuckerberg was just another starry-eyed Ivy Leaguer until he began to implement a social network idea. They all have that common bond: They started something.
These motivational quotes should help get your wellness engine running and once your car is started there’s no telling where your health and fitness can go. Don't forget to end me a postcard when you get there!
This health and fitness article is brought to you by that guy who’s sneaky like a black hole and bright like a nebula. My name is Ron Blake and I can be found playing with my telescope at email@example.com.
Curative has announced that it is currently providing COVID-19 no-cost testing in your area at Metropolitan Community College.
Stay safe and get tested!
You can schedule COVID-19 Test at curative.com, and receive results in 24-48 hours.
Curative is the leading provider of COVID-19 testing in the United States. Curative’s mission is to end the COVID-19 pandemic by providing simple-to-use and painless testing at scale to produce reliable data for patients and health officials. We know that broad access to testing, robust contact tracing, and a vaccine are necessary to end the pandemic.
Is there any cost?
Regarding the tests, there is no out of pocket cost to the individual. Through the CARES act, all individuals with health insurance will be covered for a COVID-19 test. No one is ever charged a copay or deductible.
For uninsured individuals, they are covered under the HRSA fund under the CARES act. Curative will never send a bill to any individual getting a COVID-19 test through any of our testing sites.
How soon do I get the results?
Curative provides results within 24 hours of arrival at our lab (if not sooner). We pride ourselves on our ability to distribute tests rapidly, test patients easily, and send them their results quickly. Other highlights include:
· Non-invasive cheek swab (video) that is more accurate (~90%) than a nasopharyngeal test (~80%)
· Can be self-collected under supervision by lightly-trained individuals (so no onsite medical professional required)
· Results within 24 hours of receipt at our lab
· Lab capacity to process tens of thousands of additional tests
· Manufacturing capacity to meet any order size
· Minimal PPE requirement due to the test’s self-collected method
Please visit curative.com to schedule your no-cost appointment TODAY at a site nearest to you. Together we can end this pandemic!
Curative believes that communal well-being is fundamental to individual health.
Curative is building infrastructure to make essential health services easier to access for everyone. Their infrastructure is designed to change as the world does—offering nearby access, affordable services, and science-based guidance.
Their efforts are supported by the optimism and ambition we share with communities across the US, and together we’re imagining new ways to help more people stay safe, healthy, and informed wherever they are.
“I wish I could work out, too, but I just don’t have the motivation!”
Give me a dollar for every time I’ve heard that and I’d be in Cabo San Lucas with an umbrella drink right now. Let’s identify a few of your motivations to get you on the right path. They are there … you just need to realize them so you can make it a great 2022.
How about getting healthy so you can be at that Christmas celebration in 30 years with all the family gathered around and exchanging presents? There will be nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, children and maybe some grandchildren, all enjoying the sounds and sights of the season. That would be amazing!
How about being healthy so you can watch the first man land on Mars in 2030? You hear all the talk about preparing for a mission to Mars, but it will be a long time in coming. Just think if you were alive and well to see it happen!
How about being healthy so you can attend that 60-year class reunion? It might even be nice to walk into the function with a spring in your step and a glow of health about you! Many of your classmates will have walked past St. Peter and those pearly gates by that time, but you can give yourself a chance to stay here with some proactive measures.
How about being healthy so you can spend more time being relaxed and retired? It would be awesome to just not have to do anything you didn’t want to do! Get up every day and use that watch they gave you as a fashion accessory only. With a healthy body, you can spend ample time in the lap of leisure well into your 90s.
How about being healthy so you can walk your dog with your grandkids or great-nephews after that Thanksgiving meal many years down the road? It will be so cool to have that turkey dinner with all the relatives, but it’ll be even more fun to be able to move around without having to catch your breath between steps.
How about being healthy so you can continue to enjoy vibrant sunsets, thrilling football games, colorful leaves in the fall, summer barbecues, or birthday cards in the mail?
Everyone can find the motivation to work out! You just have to identify which motivation will get you to your starting line each day and which will help you get to your daily finish line.
There are plenty of great things to enjoy in life. Find your motivation and start earning your frequent flyer miles for your healthy life. Then soar into the future with excitement about what will be!
This article of motivation is brought to you by a guy who knows a good thing when he sees it. That guy of good vision is Ron Blake, and he can be spotted on that bright horizon at firstname.lastname@example.org.