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As the City of Fountains’ best Christian, it’s my holiday obligation to guide you along your path of evil with my luminous soul as a source of Light. It’s a job that lesser Christians shudder at, yet I have the determination (and stomach) to guide you lepers into a brighter day. That’s why I have created a guide to help you tweak six of Kansas City’s most popular sexual fetishes into ones that the whole family can enjoy. You deviants are more likely to be spending Christmas inside a dark theater watching Cher gyrate than praying in a church, so you’ll need to prepare a bit to make your homes child-safe for visiting relatives. I cannot imagine why any relative would want to visit your abodes of abomination, yet I am not here to judge … merely inspire. May your holidays be bright, sinners.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #1
The attraction to giants, especially domination by giant women.
The largest woman (soul-wise) besides me is the Virgin Mary. Appearing as herself on toast, concrete walls and ketchup stains is a sign of a big ego, and sweet baby Jesus gets flustered at the face-time his mother gets with the human race. In fact, he gets downright crabby. That’s why, for the holiday season, Baby Jesus needs to have all the attention — he’s the Christ in Christmas, sinners. Solution: for you macrophilia freaks (and freakettes), substitute Mrs. Claus as your object of desire for the month of December. Although it may inhibit your fetish’s desire when you drool over a 700-year-old portly woman in red velvet, keep telling yourself it’s for the children, not your genitals.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #2
The attraction to bearded men.
This one goes without saying. You boy bears out there have had fantasies about Santa sliding down your chimney since you were 6 years old. In fact, your whole pogonophilia fetish started around Christmas when you were in first grade. This makes a lot of sense to me, sugarplum fairies, for you list Christmas as your second favorite holiday (after Halloween, of course). And in social settings, why do you call women pretending to be your girlfriends “beards”? Do you wish these women were Santa Claus? I’m all confused at this fetish, for when you start combining fat, bearded men and fetishes together I feel like I’m at the Old Country Buffet in Raytown on Christian Singles Night. Solution: Take your Santa collection out of your dungeon and display it proudly on your dining-room table. That way, nobody has to eat your cooking, for everyone knows bears only eat their meat raw. Yuck.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #3
The attraction to statues, mannequins, dolls and effigies.
To be honest, most gay men under the age of 24 would fit into this category. And from conversations with some of you, I suspect that I would get more out of conversation with a mannequin than with someone younger than a quarter-century. Not that you’re all hedonistic, body-worshipping, ageist, cookie-cutter little cyborgs -- it’s just that I haven’t found the cellar where you’re keeping the normal young gay boys hostage. Solution: Gays under 24 that shave their nipples need to freeze whenever anyone older walks by. Us old fogeys get psychologically disturbed at the thought of walking mannequins.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #4
The attraction to either stuffed animals or people dressed as such.
My favorite stuffed animal is the bear I killed in Alaska while visiting my dear friend Sarah. For those of you sissies who want their animal crafted out of fake fur, I can only imagine it’s due to the fact that synthetic is less abrasive to your genitals. Except, of course, ermine. Do not get me started on that, sinners, for I have stories about catching Princess Diana with my tiara and fur-lined cape. God bless her soul -- can you imagine how her casket is vibrating now that her oldest yanked her sapphire off her cold finger and placed it on that little English common tart? Makes my blue blood boil. But let’s get back to having sex with people in animal costumes. Solution: Make a martini and laugh about this fetish. The only good synthetic fur in this genre is a merkin, and I’m not touching that one, believe me.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #5
The desire to wear diapers and be treated as a baby.
The way you homo crybabies whine at not getting to serve in the military or marry each other makes me think that you invented this fetish. How many times do you have to be handcuffed to a fence or take us straight people to court? Pull the pacifier out, burp yourself, and put yourself to bed. You are not my equal, for you are a homosexual. Straight people are the adults -- we make the rules. And if you're a homosexual, you’ve chosen to be the baby. Solution: Since you’ve chosen to be a homosexual, turn your car around and drive toward the Lord. Roll down the window and throw your glitter, tank tops and disco albums out. That heavenly pathway is straight and narrow.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #6
The desire of either biting a partner or being bitten by one.
I know I am the one who created this whole fetish holiday mishmash, but to be honest with you, I cannot for the life of me think of anyone who would enjoy being bitten for pleasure. I have been bitten by the flu bug, the love bug, and once in Thailand, a bed bug. I once bit the hand that fed me … but he deserved it. And I would bite the head off of a bat right now if I didn’t have to write words that you homosexuals will devour with desire, for my fan mail still tells me that I’ve got the touch. Old man John Long certainly has bitten off more than he can chew with this sassy lass, sissies. I still have the touch, and I hate doing this to you, but I must — wish you happy holidays. There, I’ve said it. Now this wretched column can end.
After the last 2 years of dealing with the pandemic and packing on those COVID pounds here are some motivational quotes that can be the spark plugs to our wellness engines. You can have a full tank of gas, a clean carburetor, all the fluids topped off, and 300 horsepower of Detroit’s finest under the hood, but you’re going nowhere without that initial spark. In your quest for well-being, you need a catalyst to move you from idle to ideal. Here are some motivational jolts to inspire you to get your health and fitness vehicle moving.
Make time for exercise each dayPhoto by Victor Freitas on Unsplash
Thomas Paine said, “The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” You will have conflicts with making time for exercise each day. The treadmill will conflict with your enjoyment of the living-room couch and its fluffy pillows. Your body will engage in conflict with dumbbells and exercise balls as it seeks better health. Embrace these conflicts with excitement, and walk through the smoke and fire. Triumph is waiting on the other side.
Marathon runnersPhoto by Miguel A. Amutio on Unsplash
John F. Kennedy said, “Things do not happen. Things are made to happen.” The firefighter’s 55-pound weight loss did not just happen one day on a call. The computer programmer’s success in the Chicago Marathon did not just happen on a Sunday in October. The 4th grade teacher’s significant drop in cholesterol level did not just happen the day before spring break. These people made things happen…and it took time.
Ralph Marston of The Daily Motivator website, wrote, “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” Let today be the first day in 28 years without a cigarette. Stay an extra five minutes on the recumbent bike at the gym today. Start training today for the three-day breast cancer walk that is scheduled for the fall. Tomorrow is always waiting to see what you put in your piggy bank today. Invest wisely and watch the dividends grow.
Full MoonPhoto by CHUTTERSNAP on Unsplash
Jill McLemore once said, “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you will land amongst the stars.” Set that goal to trim 75 pounds from your body. Only losing 42 pounds puts you way out there with the North Star. Aim to run 750 miles this year. Coming up 68 miles short will still put you past that former planet Pluto and on your way to the Orion constellation. Dropping eight waist sizes by Christmas instead of the projected 10 will let you glow with the luminescence of several brilliant wonders in the sky. By the way, I think there’s a full moon tonight!
Zig Ziglar stated, “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great.” Tom Cruise was another aspiring pretty face in Hollywood about 30 years ago before starting to audition for parts in TV shows. Jared Fogle was a morbidly obese college student at Indiana University in the 1990s before beginning his Subway diet. Mark Zuckerberg was just another starry-eyed Ivy Leaguer until he began to implement a social network idea. They all have that common bond: They started something.
These motivational quotes should help get your wellness engine running and once your car is started there’s no telling where your health and fitness can go. Don't forget to end me a postcard when you get there!
This health and fitness article is brought to you by that guy who’s sneaky like a black hole and bright like a nebula. My name is Ron Blake and I can be found playing with my telescope at email@example.com.
Curative has announced that it is currently providing COVID-19 no-cost testing in your area at Metropolitan Community College.
Stay safe and get tested!
You can schedule COVID-19 Test at curative.com, and receive results in 24-48 hours.
Curative is the leading provider of COVID-19 testing in the United States. Curative’s mission is to end the COVID-19 pandemic by providing simple-to-use and painless testing at scale to produce reliable data for patients and health officials. We know that broad access to testing, robust contact tracing, and a vaccine are necessary to end the pandemic.
Is there any cost?
Regarding the tests, there is no out of pocket cost to the individual. Through the CARES act, all individuals with health insurance will be covered for a COVID-19 test. No one is ever charged a copay or deductible.
For uninsured individuals, they are covered under the HRSA fund under the CARES act. Curative will never send a bill to any individual getting a COVID-19 test through any of our testing sites.
How soon do I get the results?
Curative provides results within 24 hours of arrival at our lab (if not sooner). We pride ourselves on our ability to distribute tests rapidly, test patients easily, and send them their results quickly. Other highlights include:
· Non-invasive cheek swab (video) that is more accurate (~90%) than a nasopharyngeal test (~80%)
· Can be self-collected under supervision by lightly-trained individuals (so no onsite medical professional required)
· Results within 24 hours of receipt at our lab
· Lab capacity to process tens of thousands of additional tests
· Manufacturing capacity to meet any order size
· Minimal PPE requirement due to the test’s self-collected method
Please visit curative.com to schedule your no-cost appointment TODAY at a site nearest to you. Together we can end this pandemic!
Curative believes that communal well-being is fundamental to individual health.
Curative is building infrastructure to make essential health services easier to access for everyone. Their infrastructure is designed to change as the world does—offering nearby access, affordable services, and science-based guidance.
Their efforts are supported by the optimism and ambition we share with communities across the US, and together we’re imagining new ways to help more people stay safe, healthy, and informed wherever they are.
“I wish I could work out, too, but I just don’t have the motivation!”
Give me a dollar for every time I’ve heard that and I’d be in Cabo San Lucas with an umbrella drink right now. Let’s identify a few of your motivations to get you on the right path. They are there … you just need to realize them so you can make it a great 2022.
How about getting healthy so you can be at that Christmas celebration in 30 years with all the family gathered around and exchanging presents? There will be nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters, children and maybe some grandchildren, all enjoying the sounds and sights of the season. That would be amazing!
How about being healthy so you can watch the first man land on Mars in 2030? You hear all the talk about preparing for a mission to Mars, but it will be a long time in coming. Just think if you were alive and well to see it happen!
How about being healthy so you can attend that 60-year class reunion? It might even be nice to walk into the function with a spring in your step and a glow of health about you! Many of your classmates will have walked past St. Peter and those pearly gates by that time, but you can give yourself a chance to stay here with some proactive measures.
How about being healthy so you can spend more time being relaxed and retired? It would be awesome to just not have to do anything you didn’t want to do! Get up every day and use that watch they gave you as a fashion accessory only. With a healthy body, you can spend ample time in the lap of leisure well into your 90s.
How about being healthy so you can walk your dog with your grandkids or great-nephews after that Thanksgiving meal many years down the road? It will be so cool to have that turkey dinner with all the relatives, but it’ll be even more fun to be able to move around without having to catch your breath between steps.
How about being healthy so you can continue to enjoy vibrant sunsets, thrilling football games, colorful leaves in the fall, summer barbecues, or birthday cards in the mail?
Everyone can find the motivation to work out! You just have to identify which motivation will get you to your starting line each day and which will help you get to your daily finish line.
There are plenty of great things to enjoy in life. Find your motivation and start earning your frequent flyer miles for your healthy life. Then soar into the future with excitement about what will be!
This article of motivation is brought to you by a guy who knows a good thing when he sees it. That guy of good vision is Ron Blake, and he can be spotted on that bright horizon at firstname.lastname@example.org.