As the City of Fountains’ best Christian, it’s my holiday obligation to guide you along your path of evil with my luminous soul as a source of Light. It’s a job that lesser Christians shudder at, yet I have the determination (and stomach) to guide you lepers into a brighter day. That’s why I have created a guide to help you tweak six of Kansas City’s most popular sexual fetishes into ones that the whole family can enjoy. You deviants are more likely to be spending Christmas inside a dark theater watching Cher gyrate than praying in a church, so you’ll need to prepare a bit to make your homes child-safe for visiting relatives. I cannot imagine why any relative would want to visit your abodes of abomination, yet I am not here to judge … merely inspire. May your holidays be bright, sinners.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #1
Macrophilia
The attraction to giants, especially domination by giant women.
The largest woman (soul-wise) besides me is the Virgin Mary. Appearing as herself on toast, concrete walls and ketchup stains is a sign of a big ego, and sweet baby Jesus gets flustered at the face-time his mother gets with the human race. In fact, he gets downright crabby. That’s why, for the holiday season, Baby Jesus needs to have all the attention — he’s the Christ in Christmas, sinners. Solution: for you macrophilia freaks (and freakettes), substitute Mrs. Claus as your object of desire for the month of December. Although it may inhibit your fetish’s desire when you drool over a 700-year-old portly woman in red velvet, keep telling yourself it’s for the children, not your genitals.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #2
Pogonophilia
The attraction to bearded men.
This one goes without saying. You boy bears out there have had fantasies about Santa sliding down your chimney since you were 6 years old. In fact, your whole pogonophilia fetish started around Christmas when you were in first grade. This makes a lot of sense to me, sugarplum fairies, for you list Christmas as your second favorite holiday (after Halloween, of course). And in social settings, why do you call women pretending to be your girlfriends “beards”? Do you wish these women were Santa Claus? I’m all confused at this fetish, for when you start combining fat, bearded men and fetishes together I feel like I’m at the Old Country Buffet in Raytown on Christian Singles Night. Solution: Take your Santa collection out of your dungeon and display it proudly on your dining-room table. That way, nobody has to eat your cooking, for everyone knows bears only eat their meat raw. Yuck.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #3
Agalmatophilia
The attraction to statues, mannequins, dolls and effigies.
To be honest, most gay men under the age of 24 would fit into this category. And from conversations with some of you, I suspect that I would get more out of conversation with a mannequin than with someone younger than a quarter-century. Not that you’re all hedonistic, body-worshipping, ageist, cookie-cutter little cyborgs -- it’s just that I haven’t found the cellar where you’re keeping the normal young gay boys hostage. Solution: Gays under 24 that shave their nipples need to freeze whenever anyone older walks by. Us old fogeys get psychologically disturbed at the thought of walking mannequins.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #4
Plushophilia
The attraction to either stuffed animals or people dressed as such.
My favorite stuffed animal is the bear I killed in Alaska while visiting my dear friend Sarah. For those of you sissies who want their animal crafted out of fake fur, I can only imagine it’s due to the fact that synthetic is less abrasive to your genitals. Except, of course, ermine. Do not get me started on that, sinners, for I have stories about catching Princess Diana with my tiara and fur-lined cape. God bless her soul -- can you imagine how her casket is vibrating now that her oldest yanked her sapphire off her cold finger and placed it on that little English common tart? Makes my blue blood boil. But let’s get back to having sex with people in animal costumes. Solution: Make a martini and laugh about this fetish. The only good synthetic fur in this genre is a merkin, and I’m not touching that one, believe me.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #5
Paraphilic Infantilism
The desire to wear diapers and be treated as a baby.
The way you homo crybabies whine at not getting to serve in the military or marry each other makes me think that you invented this fetish. How many times do you have to be handcuffed to a fence or take us straight people to court? Pull the pacifier out, burp yourself, and put yourself to bed. You are not my equal, for you are a homosexual. Straight people are the adults -- we make the rules. And if you're a homosexual, you’ve chosen to be the baby. Solution: Since you’ve chosen to be a homosexual, turn your car around and drive toward the Lord. Roll down the window and throw your glitter, tank tops and disco albums out. That heavenly pathway is straight and narrow.
Sexual Fetish Makeover #6
Odzxelagnia
The desire of either biting a partner or being bitten by one.
I know I am the one who created this whole fetish holiday mishmash, but to be honest with you, I cannot for the life of me think of anyone who would enjoy being bitten for pleasure. I have been bitten by the flu bug, the love bug, and once in Thailand, a bed bug. I once bit the hand that fed me … but he deserved it. And I would bite the head off of a bat right now if I didn’t have to write words that you homosexuals will devour with desire, for my fan mail still tells me that I’ve got the touch. Old man John Long certainly has bitten off more than he can chew with this sassy lass, sissies. I still have the touch, and I hate doing this to you, but I must — wish you happy holidays. There, I’ve said it. Now this wretched column can end.
WhistlePig and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Wind Tunnel-Trialed Whiskey Is a Ryed You Don’t Want to Miss
SHOREHAM, VT (September 13, 2023) — WhistlePig Whiskey, the leaders in independent craft whiskey, and Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake are waving the checkered flag on a legend-worthy release that’s taking whiskey to G-Force levels. The Limited Edition PiggyBack Legends Series: Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is a high Rye Whiskey selected by the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake drivers, with barrels trialed in their wind tunnel to ensure a thrilling taste in every sip.
The third iteration in WhistlePig’s Single Barrel PiggyBack Legends Series, the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel is bottled at 96.77 proof, a nod to Valtteri Bottas’ racing number, 77, and the precision of racing. Inspired by Zhou Guanyu, the first Chinese F1 driver, this Rye Whiskey is finished with lychee and oolong tea. Herbal and floral notes of the oolong tea complement the herbaceous notes of WhistlePig’s signature PiggyBack 100% Rye, rounded out with a juicy tropical fruit finish and a touch of spice.
Like Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s signature C43 racing vehicles, trial barrels were tested in the team’s wind tunnel in Switzerland before hitting the track. Select barrels then endured varying levels of G-Forces at the WhistlePig farm and distillery for the finishing touch, accelerating the interaction between the whiskey and the wood, staying true to the physical nature of Formula 1.
“Partnering with WhistlePig has been a very exciting experience. Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake is dedicated to being the best on the track, and the crew at WhistlePig is fearless in their pursuit to create the best whiskey out there,” said Valtteri Bottas, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “We’re really looking forward to fans tasting our custom Rye Whiskey and raising a glass to the rookies, veterans, legends and the exhilarating sport of F1.”
"Joining forces with WhistlePig to release a Single Barrel Rye Whiskey that represents my culture and team has been an honor,” said Zhou Guanyu, Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake’s driver. “Formula 1 brings together fearless, thrill-seeking motorsports professionals, and WhistlePig has a shared passion for boundary-pushing innovation. Together, we’ve selected something alarmingly good for fans to enjoy this season when the cars are not on track.”
The Limited Edition Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake Barrel will be available for purchase online starting around September 13 for $49.99 MSRP per 750ml bottle and sold in select stores across the U.S. Consumers can win VIP merchandise by scanning the QR code on the back of each bottle.
"We're taking our third Legends Series release on a ryed like never before,” said Meghan Ireland, WhistlePig Head Blender. "Our experiments with dynamic aging went full throttle during finishing trials at the Alfa Romeo F1 Team Stake wind tunnel, in turn inspiring new ways to expose barrels to G-forces back at the WhistlePig Farm. The herbal and floral notes of the lychee and tea barrel selected with the team create a new, podium-topping experience for PiggyBack Rye."
Fans and collectors have followed WhistlePig PiggyBack Legends Series, celebrating those who give 100% in the name of greatness, since its launch in March 2022 with Major League Baseball Hall of Famer, David Ortiz (“Big Papi”), followed by Country Music Duo Brothers Osborne in November 2022.
To learn more about WhistlePig Whiskey, visit whistlepigwhiskey.com. You can also check out WhistlePig Whiskey on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.
About WhistlePig Whiskey
Located off the grid on a 500-acre Vermont farm, WhistlePig Whiskey is crafted by a new generation of whiskey distillers and blenders driven to reinvent and unlock the flavor of Rye whiskey. Through their rebellious pursuit of experimenting and pushing boundaries in the industry, WhistlePig has become the leading independent craft whiskey brand for innovation. WhistlePig is committed to becoming the best whiskey on and for the planet, starting with its locally sourced ingredients and sustainable supply chain and distilling process. For more information, head to whistlepigwhiskey.com.
Nurse Practitioner Ari Kravitz
When I started medical transition at 20 years old, it was very difficult to get the care I needed for hormone replacement therapy because there are very few providers trained in starting hormones for trans people, even though it’s very similar to the hormones that we prescribe to women in menopause or cisgender men with low testosterone.
I hope more providers get trained in LGBTQ+ healthcare, so they can support patients along their individual gender journey, and provide the info needed to make informed decisions about their body. I’ve personally seen my trans patients find hope and experience a better quality of life through hormone replacement therapy.
If you don’t have a primary care physician who specializes in LGBTQ+ care in your community, you may need to educate yourself (and your provider). But, before you seek such therapy, here are five things you should know!
- Monitor closely. At Spectrum Medical Care Center, we screen patients for certain risks before starting anyone on hormones. We frequently monitor patients in the first year to ensure there are no adverse reactions and lab results are within safe ranges. Follow-up care is also important to assess your comfort with the transition as well as the social impact and social support you’re experiencing.
- Some changes are permanent, some temporary. For transmasculine individuals going on testosterone, they’ll experience these permanent changes: deepened voice, clitoral enlargement (also known as bottom growth), more body, facial hair, and male pattern baldness. Reversible changes include cessation of menses, increased muscle mass and strength, body fat redistribution, and skin oiliness or acne. For those going on estrogen therapy, the most permanent change is breast growth. Feminizing hormone therapy can also cause atrophy (shrinkage) of the genitals and loss of erectile function that may not be reversible. Estrogen will thin body hair, soften the skin, can increase scalp hair, and decrease muscle mass and strength, all of which are reversible.
- You can’t pick and choose results. Unfortunately, you can’t pick and choose the physical changes you want, which may feel challenging. Some of my patients will say, ‘Okay, ‘I’ve seen the permanent changes I want, and I don’t want it to go any further,’ and so at that point, we stop therapy. Low-dose hormone therapy can slow down the rate of changes, allowing for a more gradual physical transition. We counsel patients in advance about the common changes, and it’s up to the individual as to when they’d like to scale back and determine whether some benefits are worth the potential risks.
- Be aware of risks. Like any medical treatment, there are potential risks involved. Some risks with testosterone therapy include increased red blood cell mass, acne, hypertension, sleep apnea, weight gain, and dyslipidemia (increases the chance of clogged arteries). Cardiovascular disease is likely increased with additional risk factors for testosterone and estrogen therapy. Transfeminine patients going on estrogen therapy may experience weight gain, thromboembolic disease (when a blood clot breaks off and blocks another blood vessel), and a high level of triglycerides in the blood.
Descanso Resort swimming pool and lounge area
Descanso Resort, Palm Springs' premier destination for gay men, just received Tripadvisor's highest honor, a Travelers' Choice "Best of the Best" award for 2023. Based on guests' reviews and ratings, fewer than 1% of Tripadvisor's 8 million listings around the world receive the coveted "Best of the Best" designation. Descanso ranked 12th in the top 25 small inns and hotels category in the United States. Quite an accomplishment!
Open less than two years, Descanso Resort offers gay men a relaxing and luxurious boutique hotel experience just minutes away from Palm Springs' buzziest restaurants, nightclubs, and shopping. Descanso has quickly established itself as a top destination for sophisticated gay travelers, earning hundreds of 5-star guest reviews and consistently ranking in Trapadvisor's top positions alongside brother properties Santiago Resort and Twin Palms Resort.
"Our entire team is honored to be named Best of the Best. To be the only gay men's resort recognized in the Top 1% is incredibly humbling," said Kent Taylor, General Manager at Descanso. "We appreciate Tripadvisor and we're grateful to all our guests who gave us such high marks and reviews to help us reach this achievement."
“Ranking among the Best of the Best demonstrates that you have provided exemplary experiences to those who maZer most: your guests,” said John Boris, Chief Growth Officer at Tripadvisor. “With changing expectations, continued labor shortages, and rising costs, this is no easy feat, and I am con6nually impressed with the hospitality industry’s resilience and ability to adapt.”
Santiago Resort was once again honored by Tripadvisor with a 2023 Travelers’ Choice award, placing it among the top 10% of travelers’ top reviewed des6na6ons. Twin Palms will become eligible for ranking in 2024.
Check out all the reviews, and discover more about Descanso Resort on Tripadvisor here. We have an excellent library of resort imagery available to accompany editorial and additional resources on our press page. Please contact Descanso Resort’s General Manager, Kent Taylor, at kent@descansoresort.com for further information.
About Descanso Resort
Inspired by Palm Springs’ history as a des6na6on for Hollywood stars to unwind in privacy, Descanso offers guests a casual yet modern take on the legendary style of that 6me. Created by the same hospitality team that revitalized Palm Springs’ much-loved San6ago Resort and recently launched the all-new Twin Palms Resort, the Descanso property opened in 2022 featuring 15 spacious guest rooms with custom-designed furniture, dreamy King-size beds, and luxe details. Ameni6es include continental breakfast, poolside lunch, welcome snack basket, and lots of special touches. For guests who need to stay connected, the entire property is equipped with blazing-fast Wi-Fi. Mul6-speed bikes are available for exploring the surrounding midcentury neighborhoods and public art installations. Like the Hollywood stars before them, guests at Descanso are encouraged to unwind, relax, and rest in style.
About Tripadvisor
Travelers across the globe use the Tripadvisor site and app to discover where to stay, what to do and where to eat based on guidance from those who have been there before. With more than 1 billion reviews and opinions of nearly 8 million businesses, travelers turn to Tripadvisor to find deals on accommodations, book experiences, reserve tables at delicious restaurants and discover great places nearby.