Dear Bathilda and boingo: I'm a 29-year-old man going prematurely bald. I have recently tried Rogaine but I am not sure it is working. Do you have any suggestions as to how I would find out - Balding Bottom Boy
Dear Bottom: How should we know if it is working? Maybe boingo can tell you next time you're on your knees in the men's room servicing him. You'll eventually go bald anyway, but if it makes you happy, keep applying and suck it up, sissy!
Dear Bathilda and boingo: My boyfriend can't seem to keep his pants on in the bar. Although the other patrons seem to enjoy this behavior, I am not sure I like it. Should I complain - Boyfriend of Pantless in Paola
Dear Boyfriend: You can buy him a belt for his birthday as a little hint, or you can join him in this behavior. Boingo doesn't really see that you have much of a problem, so suck it up, sissy!
Dear Bathilda and boingo: Is it OK to wear white in January - Wide Load in Wisconsin
Dear Inquiring: It depends on how fat your ass is. Based on your signature, you probably shouldn't wear white ever. Avoid spandex also. Get some black sweat pants and suck it up, sissy!
Dear Bathilda and boingo: I've been talking to my parents recently about my addiction to pull tabs and porn. I just can't help myself, when I am pulling those tabs all I can think about is a big ! Anyway. They both think I am going straight to hell. I don't think God would have made me this way unless he meant it. What am I to do - Confused in Concordia
Dear Concordia: For the first time ever, your parents are right. YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL! Sounds like you are pulling more than tabs. But don't worry your little head about it ? Ron Cash is driving the bus to hell and you will have a great time. Suck it up, sissy!
Dear boingo: I have a problem that only you can help me with. I am a serious writer, and my writing partner is driving me bonkers. Every time we are diligently at work, he pulls up porn and causes me great distress by showing me penis pictures of celebrities. It wouldn't be so bad, but you know those photos are digitally enhanced - few men are hung like that. It is distracting, and I am worried that if word got out that I had viewed penis photos, I might lose my career lesbian status and may even have my flannel card revoked. What should I do - Bat Hilda
Dear Batty: Funny that you should write, because Bathilda has had the same problem. Maybe you should write to her (she MAY be more sympathetic than I). You know the rest?
Dear Bathilda and boingo: I am a middle-aged man living with a 20-year-old boy. I swear nothing has happened between us, but because we work together I have been accused of inappropriate sexual conduct with a fellow employee and have been put on suspension. Should I fight the suspension - Not Getting Any and Out of Work
Dear NGA: We both agree that if you're getting in trouble, you should at least be getting sumthin? Get that boy to put out or get out. Better yet, just tell him to leave.
Dear Precious Readers: As we tell our friends and acquaintances when they seek our advice, we would like to inform you that we are in no way, shape, or form responsible for your actions should you choose to take it (nor is Camp). We do not have the money to bail you out of jail for your bad decisions, nor do we intend to bail you out of jail for the stupid stuff you do based on our advice. Any extra funds that we may have are set aside for our own defense funds or tequila. Take our advice or leave it, but suck it up, sissy!
With Loving Concern for All, Bathilda and boingo
Letters can be writted to Bathilda and boingo at: suckitupsissy@gmail.com.