Gays infiltrated the New York statehouse to win the “special right” of same-sex marriage. You sodomites think you’ve pulled off a great stunt, but my BFF, Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback, and I have a little surprise for you all.
One thing I love about Gov. Brownback — he gets things done. He’s already shut down one abortion clinic in Kansas City, Kan., and he intends to shut down the remaining two in Overland Park. Today, I asked him, “Sammy, Sammy, what about the queers?”
He described to me a glorious Kansas without baby-killers and non-reproducing same-sex citizens — a plentiful harvest of golden-haired babies gathered around every farm table!
Sam’s dream of ridding the state of nasty liberals, queers and other folk who don’t live by his Christian values is actually happening — he wants to put Christ back into politics.
“Why they ever took His name out of the Kansas Constitution is a mystery to me,” Sam sobbed.
Since Sam converted from Methodism to Catholicism in 2002, he’s been a thorn in my side, for he keeps trying to convince me that it’s OK for men to wear dresses … in church, of course.
Like Sam, some of my best friends are Catholics, like Bishop Robert Finn. We’ve vacationed together and picketed gay funerals with the Rev. Fred Phelps, and I even was allowed to shave his Holiness’ back last summer before he enjoyed my swimming pool here in Loch Lloyd. I do not allow hairy people in my pool -- it wreaks havoc on the filter.
Even the Asian woman who puts on my acrylic nails is Catholic. She has a Buddha statue. I’ve never figured that woman out.
And the local Catholics are in a tizzy. Gov. Sam isn’t talking to Bishop Bob because a Kansas City priest got caught with child porn on his laptop. Sam’s not upset about the porn or that Bishop Bob didn’t go straight to the police when he found out (he kept it secret for several months). He’s upset because Shawn Francis Ratigan, the priest using the laptop on which the images were found, is straight.
Sam’s in the same dilemma as I am. Isn’t it common knowledge that all priests are gay?
I got to thinking ... it’s more than the Catholics. There’s George Rekers, the Baptist who could “cure” gays and was caught at an airport with a gay prostitute returning from vacation; Ted Haggard, the evangelical who helped advise George W. on policy and who paid a male escort for massages; and Bishop Eddie Long, who’s been called “one of the most virulently homophobic black leaders” in the United States. He’s had four young men accuse him of coercing them into sex. We can’t trust any minister who preaches against homosexuality to be 100 percent heterosexual, dangit!
I feel like I’m in a wicker basket, like the one that held baby Moses, sliding down an aging Oceans of Fun water slide directly into a pool of warm water that’s filled with bloated 40-year-old party boys, the ones who have gained weight, stretching their tattoos.
So when Sarah Palin’s “One Nation” bus tour traveled through town last week, she spend the night with me. We giggled like schoolgirls for hours until the topic of Gov. Sam, Bishop Bob and the whole religious gay scandal came up. We held hands and prayed, asking God for guidance. Suddenly Sarah threw up her hands and squealed.
“God just spoke to me,” Sarah chirped, “He said to take all these ministers out to a cornfield and kiss’em behind the ears!”
So sinners, for the next two days, that’s what we’re doing. Sarah and I are taking every minister who makes his living preaching against the gay lifestyle to a local cornfield. If they can’t be aroused by two Republican cougars, you’ll finally know the truth: The only place these men can be aroused are in the bathrooms of highway rest stops or airports.
Suddenly, I’m in the mood to listen to Bon Jovi’s 1986 hit, “You Give Love a Bad Name.”