I write this column to save you LGBTQRST sinners from a horrible eternity in Hell. It is a dreadful chore coming up with clever, witty and meaningful things to say, so I prayed and prayed about what I could do to make it more alarming to you whores and whorettes.
For example, should I scare you describing the evil, toxic gases waiting for you in the depths of Hell?
Scratch that one off. Couldn�t be worse than the hot, humid, cologne-infested, lusty, musky air of the dance floor at Missy B�s late on a Saturday night.
But how about the horrible, disfigured ancient demons ready to spear you with their red-hot pitchforks?
Again, you�re already encountering this -- during Bad Music Sundays at Hamburger Mary�s. I am not able to scare you sodomites into submission, no matter how hard I try � I�ve even attempted to write this column without wearing makeup, which is a fright.
That�s when I looked out of my sunroom window and saw my new poolboy, Jesus, wiping his brow on a warm spring afternoon.
I called out to him: �Hey, Suse!� He turned around to look at me. I am learning Spanish online to be a better employer. �Take-o off-o su camisa!�
He smiled and peeled off his damp T-shirt, and I immediately whipped out my iPhone and took a pic, which I ran through my �Make Me Look Like Jesus� app. The reason you�re reading this column is because of his photo, right?
�Gracias, senorita,� he said, blushing, and resumed removing the leaves and small animals killed with my handgun during the winter from the pool. I love it when he calls me senorita. It makes me tingle like when Sarah Palin calls me up to ask for another donation.
I don�t have anything against a dark-skinned Jesus. But the idea that our Savior was not milky-skinned and blue-eyed is causing some disagreement within my Church.
Being a Republican Christian (which is the only True Christian, by the way), I am a member of a secret exclusive church, which one can only be invited to join, much like the Mission Hills Country Club. We have one member from Hallmark, who cast gorgeous Christian Bale as Jesus in one of their dreadful Hall of Fame movies.
But I can�t help but think that every Christian who has a personal relationship with the Savior looks at Him as family. You identify with Christ as being the color you are, right? The Web is filled with spiritual, inspirational images of how people worldwide incorporate this man into their daily lives, and for the first time, I am not going to preach about what I think His skin color was.
I�m only going to tell you that Jesus is hot, hot, hot sexy � that�s something that everyone gets right.