Not your granny’s bingo

Until last night at the Lipstick Lounge, my associations with the game of bingo included round balls spinning in a cage, little paper bingo cards and my grandmother’s stories of winning one-dollar bingo at the local Moose Lodge. But after one night of the Lipstick Lounge’s Naughty Bingo, those docile images were forever obliterated.

“It’s time to play bingo; lock the doors,” Tom Horton announced. A voice in the crowd responded, “Last week this girl got naked… she really stripped; nobody usually does.”

Hmm, something tells me this is no ordinary bingo night.

“It’s Naughty Bingo, where you can win fabulous prizes. Brought to you today by the letters J and T and the number seven.”

The caller is Tom Horton, whose deep, melodious voice makes me wonder if his day job is in radio. Horton, along with Laurel Baker and Douglas “Lamb” Goodman, started hosting bingo games after Horton told his friends about a bingo night he had been to at a gay club in Ohio.

“They were packed from wall to wall, and he thought it would be a great addition to The Lipstick Lounge,” Baker explains. “Since Lipstick was planning on opening on Monday nights, they needed to have something to draw the crowd.”

For those customers unfamiliar with the complex stratagems involved in the game, Horton quickly explains the rules, concluding with “the first person to shout bingo wins a prize. Now, Laurel, spin my balls.”

Over the next few minutes, Horton and Baker call out numbers, adding commentary as they go.

“I-24 is the next number, and also the best way to get to Lipstick Lounge.”

“B-11, it’s the password to the Neverland Ranch.”

“G, as in spot, 48.”

“B-12 inches, wow!”

But the naughtiness doesn’t stop there. The second round of bingo that evening involved an especially naughty part of the male anatomy. This round required a special arrangement of numbers for the winning card. Instead of a vertical or horizontal line on our cards, we all tried to make a penis.

By now, several more groups of people had arrived at the Lipstick Lounge. After a few numbers were called, Horton asked the crowd, “Anybody out there starting to see your penis?”

During this round of somewhat modified bingo, I discovered another special feature of Naughty Bingo that would make granny blush. Whenever the lucky little ball O-69 is called, the crowd gets a treat. For only 69¢ you can purchase a shot of the featured concoction of the night. Tonight it was a “melon-y, pineapple-y, vodka-y thing” called Antifreeze.

For the second round, our bingo goal was changed to something a little more appropriate to the Lipstick Lounge. “Because we are an equal opportunity establishment… we will now have a round of vagina bingo,” Horton announced. I peered into my bingo card and tried to imagine just what the winning card for this particular round would look like. To my relief, Baker soon came by with a sample card with the shape of a diamond on it and explained that in American Sign Language the diamond is the sign for the part of the anatomy we were celebrating in the third round of Naughty Bingo.

Other highlights of my Monday evening, including the Naughty Bingo intimacy tip of the night, aren’t exactly appropriate for this article. For all the naughty details, and to see if you can find your own penis or vagina, bring yourself, your friends – but not your granny – to a rousing game of Naughty Bingo.

Naughty Bingo takes place every Monday night at the Lipstick Lounge. The first round starts around 7:00 p.m. and there is no cover charge.
Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

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